Being disowned

[Poirotspen]

I don't want to drip feed but I'm so upset and can't really get this out logically in under 10 000 words. I suppose the short version is has anyone (I'm late thirties) been forced to chose between parents and future spouse. My father is very gentle and quiet and elderly. My mother fiery, possessive irrational. They haven't met my other half due to long history of very bad behaviour but had seemed to accept our engagement etc.

Until a phone call tonight. They'd seen photo's of hi,, thought he looked horrible and could "understand why his father left him" (father left his family when he was a teen).

If I was going to pursue this it would be without them.

I am processing all the shock waves but had been expecting something like this unfold. I can't just forgive this and pretend it never happened, even if they reach out. Equally I love them both desperately and Dad (who is frail) is v v unlikely to be an active player in this. He is so deaf I can't communicate easily about this. They don't live nearby (6 plus hours away).

My mother has been intermittently toxic all my life, but has many strong virtues and I love her dearly.

A line has been crossed though and I will not make any first moves and I feel may not be able to get back from this, for all our sakes. Has anyone lived through this terrible sadness? I keep thinking of them at hime, upset and angry Mum and upset father who may not have so long left. Reasoning with her never works and she rewrites history in an instant. She will have already changed this all to a new version in her head.

Sorry it's such a ramble. I can barely see through the tears.

[fabulousfun]

Poor you. It looks like your mother is being irrational again. Would she meet your partner and see if she changes her mind? If she won't I am afraid that I would choose my partner if it was definitely long term as it sounds like no one would be good enough. Hugs 💐

[GrumpyMcGrumpFace]

Poirotspen that is so terribly sad. They have done this to themselves though - no one should try and emotionally control your life like this. It doesn't stop it hurting though, I know. Sending a big hug xx

Is your future spouse aware of what's happened and supporting you?

[BettyBaggins]

What a horrid thing to say about your DP. Don't loose your frail Dad because of your Mum but it sounds like you certainly need to make some distance and not seek any approval from your Mum about YOUR life choices.

[GrumpyMcGrumpFace]

oh yes, and I did have this on a lesser scale. We have patched things up, but there were a few months of great difficulty (not NC but DM wouldn't speak to me because it was "too upsetting") and a few years of it being a bit tricky. I know there's thin ice there IYKWIM, but these days just stay away from the flashpoints as far as possible.

When it was all happening, DP was very supportive and helped me realise that I was more the grown up than them. That I shouldn't ever stoop to their/her level, but just be ready when she did do some of the running to try and patch things up, because I didn't want there to be a big rift. However, I wasn't going to change my life, or pretend anything, just to fit with their misguided beliefs.

[Poirotspen]

Yes, he is aware but I can't tell him the bit about understanding why his father left. The hardest part is that my mother claims my father has been terribly upset by the photo and these were his words. I can't believe it but I can't really get that clarified.

I'm not sure I want them to meet him. Perhaps in future but I think I should just crack on with a tiny wedding and in they can meet him going forward if they wish. Meeting him doesn't take those words of the years of behaviour leading up to them.

The line in the sand is there and I know I have to back away but it's breaking my heart.

[Haffdonga]

That sounds awful.

What exactly is their issue with your dp? Are they a particular religion or class that makes your dp difficult for them to accept or are they just trying to exert control over you because they sense they're losing their grip now your dp's on the scene?

[Poirotspen]

Thank you for your replies. Grumpy, sorry you have had problems too (I suspect it's sadly common).

Haff. No. I suppose they are lower middle to our middle middle and from an area of the country that doesn't meet geographical approval. I think it's more any excuse to irrationally exert control and possession.

If the past repeats itself, which I'm sure it will, she'll blame me for my father being unwell etc. The trouble is you can't discuss things rationally with her. I've always been quiet and sensitive and I'm ashamed to say I'm terrified of her at times like this and have backed down too often in the past. Now I'm older, wiser and the straw has broken the camel's back, I think. It's so sad.

[GrumpyMcGrumpFace]

it's ridiculous to be very upset by a photo of someone, you know that. Of course it's not your fault your father is ill, and it's a really low mean thing to try and suggest it.

It's really horrible to have to confront things like that about your own parents. Not that you think they're perfect, but seeing them acting so meanly and nastily is of course very, very upsetting.

I wish you and your DP every happiness. It's 20 years now since all that happened with my parents, and I've never regretted my actions. TBH even if it hadn't worked out with DP, I wouldn't have regretted being my own person and not just backing down with my parents. There does come a point where you have to say, no, that's not the kind of person I am, and I find that behaviour unacceptable.

Best of luck xx