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Am I being selfish?

(48 Posts)
princesscake Tue 21-Feb-17 21:12:47

For wanting to change my daughters schools as I can't stand living in this town any longer. Everywhere I go I have bad memories. So much has happened here. In this town I'm supposed to call home.
I'm single with no network of good friends. My ex lives around the corner with his gf who absolutely hates me and doesn't have anything to do with my girls. There is absolutely nothing keping us here just my 2 Dd's schools.
Daughter is struggling to make new friends anyway but has a few she tags along with.
I'm scared of the unknown. Making a mistake.
I'm desperate for some advice I don't have anyone to talk to πŸ˜”

User1958 Tue 21-Feb-17 21:13:58

How long have you been separated?
Is it a new situation for you?
flowers

jeaux90 Tue 21-Feb-17 21:16:22

Hey Princess sometimes a new start is good for everyone.

Do you have somewhere in mind you want to go?

I moved to a town where I had no connections but I fell in love with it and the schools were good. 4 years on my dd loves her school and I'm really happy here too.

I'm a single mum

Just remember you won't have any support at first where you go and you'll have to work hard at the school gates etc to get your network going

Chloe65 Tue 21-Feb-17 21:17:04

It sounds to me as if you're struggling to cope with alot of things...I dont think changing your daughters schools is the only issue or the answer..
As User 1958 asked....How long have you been separated?

princesscake Tue 21-Feb-17 21:26:55

Thankyou for your messages smile so appreciated.
Not newly separated, it's been 4 years. A long time. It's just life changed so much. It's been a roller coaster of emotions. Lots has happened. Lots of Fallings out with families and friends.
I absolutely hate where I live. I would of moved straight away but the Dd's were at school and I spent the first 2.5 years trying to keep the house. I have a year of a degree to go and can sell and buy somewhere. I just think the longer my eldest Dd stays where she is the harder it will be to move her. I'm thinking whilst she is in year 7 rather than most probably year 9. My the time I qualify my youngest will be ready to start comp.
I'm concerned I'm pushing them into the unknown. Making them make new friends.
If I stay I will have to wait until both leave school which is 6 years.
The school I'm thinking is a school 10 miles away where I eventually want to live. It would mean driving them each day for a year or so until I can buy again.
You are brave jeaux90 how old was your dd at the time? I can imagine it will be hard but I'm desperate for a new beginning. You just wouldn't believe what has gone on and how many Fallings out I have gone through πŸ˜”

princesscake Tue 21-Feb-17 21:29:07

I agree so much else has happened. It's like the last straw with my dd having problems settling.

jeaux90 Tue 21-Feb-17 21:35:40

Honestly princess it wasn't brave it just felt right. I'd been through hell and back so I just felt like I had nothing to lose and it was the right decision for me and my dd. I have a stressful job and I wanted to live in a lovely little market town so the weekends felt like a break. (And they so do) I wanted a community feel. How do your girls feel about it? Have you talked with them?

jeaux90 Tue 21-Feb-17 21:36:38

By the way I recovered here. It was like starting again.

princesscake Tue 21-Feb-17 21:43:04

That's lovely 😊 happy for you and your dd.
I have spoken to my eldest as she has been very upset and struggles. She hasn't actually said she doesn't want to just that she is concerned about being the new girl as obviously she has a few girls she tags along with but absolutely nothing out of school. I am concerned about that too.
I envy you for having that opportunity. In my eyes definitely brave. Did you know anyone at all? How old was your dd? I feel the older they are the harder to adapt.

jeaux90 Tue 21-Feb-17 21:55:00

I didn't know anyone. My daughter went into year 1 so it was ok but then I am thinking of sending her to a school out side the immediate area for secondary. My thinking is that they'll be coming from all different places. And she'll make a different set of friends rather than just those from the school she was at. I think teens is a difficult one. Sometimes a fresh start again is good they can try new things rather than just the stuff the peer group does. (One of the reasons I might do this) Maybe she can start a new sport? Is she into drama? Your eldest dd can also make this into a new start or opportunity but it really depends where her head is at. The youngest dd she would start the secondary with everyone else?

princesscake Tue 21-Feb-17 22:05:15

Ah yes true. I explained that to my eldest Dd as the friends she has met aren't from her primary so a new school would be the same. I wouldn't change my youngest dd as she has a year to go. She would be going to a completely different comp to her friends.
Other than that perseve with this school and hope she settles. I stay in this awful town. Awful for me anyway.

jeaux90 Tue 21-Feb-17 22:41:46

You know what princess, sometimes you need to stop thinking about things too much. The answer often bubbles up and there is no compelling event at the moment is there that means you have to make a decision?

princesscake Tue 21-Feb-17 22:51:35

I do think too much! I analyse too much!
The thing is its been a number of things and it's like I feel like screaming get me out of here. The longer I leave it the longer my dd settles into secondary. Just thought get the ball rolling for year 8 and whilst she is so upset that's all. Worried about leaving it too long.

jeaux90 Tue 21-Feb-17 22:59:24

Ok then it sounds like you have decided smile then this is all about planning, logistics and helping your girls with the change. How you position it with them and invest time in looking at new opportunities is important to get settled quicker. Maybe through different activities or clubs (Scouts etc and things like that bring a nice cross section of kids together)

You will be happier so I am sure this have a positive impact on your dd's and will bring you all even closer together. Xx

princesscake Tue 21-Feb-17 23:05:46

Thankyou jeaux90 for your advice. I really needed it this evening. It's so hard when you are a single parent sometimes.
That is very true. I think I will start having a nose around. I might even go and view the school and have a chat with them.
So scary.
Thankyou 😊

Glastokitty Tue 21-Feb-17 23:10:56

Just do it. I emigrated to Oz when my son was 11, best thing I ever did. He is thriving in the school system here. Good luck,im a big believer in new beginnings!

jeaux90 Tue 21-Feb-17 23:23:24

It is hard being a single parent because it really does come down to you. We worry about everything. Then, as women we take less risks than men. A recent study showed (shared at a women in tech conference I was at the other week) that men will take a risk a year before they are really ready whilst we will wait beyond the two years we are ready for that change.

You are clearly ready. Mitigate as many of those perceived risks as you can now, research, make calls, go look, get excited about your plans.

As the pp said, some times a new beginning is something you need to believe in. Xx

Howlongtilldinner Tue 21-Feb-17 23:31:23

Hi OP...I'm also a LP, however, they are now both adults. I moved my son in Y7..we moved areas. I worried myself to death, every day "did you have a good day? Meet new friends?" It was agonising, but he managed, and is very happy here. You're right though, the older they get the harder it is for them.

I would suggest getting them involved in community stuff, like PP said scouts/guides and maybe church? I think you should look for some genuine and sincere folk to have around you and your DD, these kind of groups tend to have them.

Being a LP is very very hard, I found it harder the older they got. But it beat being with xp, one decision I've never regretted! If your DD's are on board, then do it..what the worst that can happen? Good luck OP

princesscake Wed 22-Feb-17 07:31:31

Wow glasto amazing!
Jeaux90 very interesting, I wonder why that is. I always think if it was just me I would of moved asap but always question myself regarding the Dd's but I guess we all do as parents. Like you said we worry. I will do just that. I have 2 days off this week so will fit it in with my plans. I woke up this morning with a churning tummy. I hope I can start turning that into an excited one. I am going to try. I am ready Jeaux just so scared. Definitely having advice on here has helped. You feel less alone so thankyou 😊 xx
Howlongtilldinner - very brave of you. I can actually feel how agonising that would of been for you. I have been going through it since September so can imagine it was hard for you.
Sometimes when you are forced into something you go all out to make the best of it but I'm making a choice and I hope it works out like all of you. My tummy turns.
Yes we really do need good people around us. I'm exhausted by everything and everyone who hasn't been too good around us.
Thankyou so much reading last night and this morning really helps more than I can explain smile

jeaux90 Wed 22-Feb-17 07:38:20

I think we all understand the tummy churning and the worry. You have got to a point where a new start makes the most sense to you though and you deserve a better life for you and the dd's

Keep talking if you need to. We are all here. Let us know how you get on. Xxx

princesscake Wed 22-Feb-17 07:52:11

Thankyou Jeaux90 ☺ xxx

princesscake Wed 22-Feb-17 19:30:27

I forgot to ask Jeaux90 did you make new friends also? I know it may seem like a silly question but how do you make new friends as adults? There are clubs etc for the kids and obviously school but how about us mums. Not that I have much social time but it would be nice to meet some friends too.

jeaux90 Wed 22-Feb-17 20:01:43

Well I joined the gym and health club.
I talked to some of the mums at school which I know is a little harder when they are at secondary.

I also did a bit of online dating, did the thing where you just want to meet new people type profile. Met some nice people that way!

Through the extra club stuff my dd did too.

Overall I had to make a concerted effort. Don't be shy to walk into a nice pub on your own (or with the kids in a family friendly place) and have a swift drink and talk to random locals grin

jeaux90 Wed 22-Feb-17 20:03:23

Oh and volunteering to run school events or local stuff is always good. Don't shoot me but something like the WI ? smile

princesscake Wed 22-Feb-17 20:48:48

Thanks Jeaux 😊
Making a plan! What WI?

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