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Can you make yourself fancy someone?

(18 Posts)
bluemouse15 Tue 21-Feb-17 19:32:07

My husband and i are having problems, long story short we have had lots of stressful things happen in the last year, daughter with mobility/chronic pain issues, Step dad passed away, i was Sterilised as he would have the snip! brought a house to do up/rent out, tennants not paying, living in a knackered house while waiting 4 yrs to get planning, husband drinking too much, and feeling like a single parent of two! the list goes on. Anyway with all of this i finally explained why i wasnt happy after a few months of not being able to take anymore, after always saying i was "fine" Things have started to change, like im getting more help around the house etc but with that he thinks everything is fine and is expecting us to be normal and is wanting sex, unfortuatley im not feeling the same, i just dont fancy him anymore. Dont know if its anything to do with the antidepressants i started about 5weeks ago or whether i have just about had enough and think there is more to life than this. I do still love him but not like before and hes a great dad but is that enough to keep us together for the next however many years (we have been together for 19years) He says i need to find it in me to fancy him again as it was there before, but im not convinced. Has anyone else been in a similar situation???

jo10000 Tue 21-Feb-17 20:38:48

Can you try 'dating' him again, taking time off from all the pressures and just having fun time together, even if just once a fortnight? Sounds like you've had tremendous difficulties and need to build up the romance side rather than be expected to dive in.

DistanceCall Tue 21-Feb-17 21:05:03

If you fancied him originally when you get together with him, yes, you can bring it back. You have been through a horrible patch.

I think talking to someone professionally would help a lot - both as a couple and individually.

SandyY2K Tue 21-Feb-17 21:10:22

like im getting more help around the house etc

He says i need to find it in me to fancy him again as it was there before

He's gonna have to do more than housework to get you to fancy him. Is this really the best he can do?

I expect you could get those feelings back, but he'll need to do better.

LetsStartAtTheVeryBeginning Tue 21-Feb-17 21:33:01

I can't. It's all very sensory based for me. I can't make myself fancy someone, and I've never been able to get it back when it's gone.

HotNatured Wed 22-Feb-17 11:25:41

No. You cannot, sadly. The not fancying someone gets worse in my experience.

Poudrenez Wed 22-Feb-17 12:45:35

I think fancying someone is similar to going off to sleep, in that you really can't make it happen. Sad but true, IME. I do think dwindling sex is often symptomatic of other problems, though. Address those and things may just pick up. You've had a shit time recently, as Jo says, try and find some quality activities that you can share. Adventures can be quite romantic. Your DH waiting for/expecting sex or trying to earn it would be the kiss of death to my libido, though.

bluemouse15 Wed 22-Feb-17 19:15:39

Yes we are trying date night but its always his idea, never mine!!

bluemouse15 Wed 22-Feb-17 19:17:25

We have also tried a councelling service, but i found it way too stressful, so im not keen to go back as a couple, maybe on my own though

bluemouse15 Wed 22-Feb-17 19:19:01

He is a very impatient guy who wants change now, i have said its taken a while to get like this so there isnt a quick fix

bluemouse15 Wed 22-Feb-17 19:20:52

It does seem half and half whether its possible too but the way im feeling now im doubtful.

SandyY2K Wed 22-Feb-17 19:22:31

Yes we are trying date night but its always his idea, never mine!!

So you don't get to choose what you do? Why don't you take it in turns to plan a date night. That's what my DH and I do... and we still try and make it something that the other likes and enjoys.

bluemouse15 Wed 22-Feb-17 19:22:36

Lol yes same here. Im also aware that any positive vibe i may give he will also things things are ok again!!!

welshmist Wed 22-Feb-17 19:23:58

ah anti depressants a great libido killer. To be honest it is normal whatever DH thinks to go through a time of not wanting sex. So you both either suck it up, or go your separate ways.

JoinTheUnicorns Wed 22-Feb-17 19:24:18

Loss of libido is a pretty common side effect of some kinds of antidepressant, so that might not be helping...

(No advice on the rest, but something to consider.)

bluemouse15 Wed 22-Feb-17 19:24:24

The activity is a mutual decision but if a week passed and he hadnt suggested we go out then i wouldnt!

bluemouse15 Wed 22-Feb-17 19:26:48

He is on the same antidepressants as me and it hasnt effected him the same way, perhaps its a women thing

Dadaist Wed 22-Feb-17 19:49:44

I'd go with a lot of advice already given OP ...and DH needs to be patient! but you also say you found joint counselling 'too stressful' - and that doesn't sound so good? Do you think you are - even subconsciously- wanting to avoid intimacy (which would make sex more of a hurdle). Does your depression relate to anxiety? It really could be side effects of medication - but the medication will only lesson symptoms and the cause of anxiety could also be related to your flagging attraction to DP. Maybe explore in your individual counselling?

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