Some people may remember my thread a few weeks ago. It had to be removed because of legal issues, but it essentially covered my need to leave my partner but my difficulty doing so.
I did leave him, almost as soon as the thread disappeared.
I realise that my difficulty in leaving is in part due to being a kind person with no boundaries as to where I stop and the people I love begin. I've known this for years - and have tried to fix it over and over again.
I'm single now, for the first time in many years, and am determined to tackle this.
Has anyone else struggled with poor boundaries and overcome and good to a healthier place in their relationships with other people? I grew up as a young carer, and from there went into an abusive relationship. So a history of putting other's needs above me. Had lots of therapy after that ended and felt into a good enough place to have other relationships, which were better but still disastrous!
I'm 34 now and I want to have a healthy relationship and a family eventually. For now though, I recognise that I have to stay single. I have good friends and hobbies and an engrossing career.
Where do I start? I am having therapy and it's great, but I just want to hear what other people may have done. I am trying to write what I think are my boundaries down, but I'm struggling.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Anyone who has gone from having no/weak boundaries to good, strong ones - how did you do it?
WTAF2016 · 21/02/2017 13:40
In a word - therapy. Great to hear that you're in therapy too so definitely on the right track. Boundaries take time to build up, you're changing the habit of a lifetime.
I did a lot of actively building up my self esteem. I tried to notice every single thing I got right, even the tiny things - so for example if it was raining and I had remembered to bring an umbrella, I would say in my head 'good work babe'. 
obviously you would use words that feel comfortable for you. It helped to change my inner voice to a kinder one, rather than being a harsh critic to myself.
Reminding myself that I am my own number one priority was huge. It's a huge change in mindset if you're a people pleaser, but it helps to remember that you can't be a good friend / partner/ employee / whatever if your own needs are not being met.
It all gets much easier with practice
Recent therapy is helping me realise I've suffered from repetitive relationship syndrome (yeah, its an actual thing, I've a link to an article I can dig out if you're interested) trying to mend psychological "wounds" (can't think of a better word) from childhood by repeatedly choosing problematic relationships which I then try to fix. Totally out of my awareness of course.
So I moved from marrying an alcoholic wife beater to an affair, to ten years with a well hung but passive aggressive manchild to another affair.
So I think understanding the patterns will really help; I can't praise therapy highly enough. But it's important to find the right discipline and therapist. I'd tried TA in the past because I've got a really quick mind and love talking, information, analysing and discovering stuff. However I just spent a lot of time (and money) understanding which ego state I was inhabiting and what my script was but bugger all changed; I just now knew why I was unhappy.
Since I've been with an integrative psychotherapist who immediately recognised I totally live in my head and will consistently challenge that, I'm finally feeling like a) I'm making progress and b) that my next relationship will be the first truly healthy one I've ever had.
Glad to hear you have some great friends and a fulfilling job (me too, very lucky and it helps me realise I can't be a hopeless cause if so many people care about me and have my back) and I wish you all the best
This is all great advice, thank you. It's clearly going to take a while and I need to practise a lot.
I have the Cloud and Townsend book, and have just ordered the other one.
I so have that thing around the phone - particularly if it's my mother 
I realised that I often go to events because people expect me there, not because I want to. I am trying to fix this and just pulled out of something to have a night in with wine and Netflix. It made me feel anxious and like people will think poorly of me, but I am trying to ignore that...
Well done OP! When you have a decision to make, try to ask yourself 'what do I WANT to do?' rather than 'what SHOULD I do?' Us people pleasers tend to live in a world of 'should' and it's not healthy. Enjoy your night of Netflix
Depending on how much 
you have that anxiety will soon fade......
I realised that I often go to events because people expect me there, not because I want to
I used to do this too until ,again, I realised that people really don't care that much if I'm there or not, they still have a nice time without me.
My favourite boundary that I've put in place is when I 'came out' to my wine buff friend and told her that I can't stand expensive wine . Now, after years of forcing myself to drink wine that I hate for fear of offending her , I can openly drink cheap Liebfraumilch , which my friend buys for me when I visit 
.
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
Congrats on getting out of the abusive relationship OP.
I have always had issues - I was a carer from a young age as my mother ill throughout my formative years and my father is an alcoholic. I had (and still have to a lessening extent) a fairly toxic relationship with my parents where they would emotionally blackmail me into giving in to whatever they wanted.
As PP have said, realising that you don't have to say yes to every demand is the key. The hardest thing for me was the first time I said no to my parents and stuck to it.
It is difficult and it won't change overnight, but keep a track of your small wins - choice of dinner, place to walk, film to watch - and the bigger ones will follow.
Good luck and 
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.