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Am I being gaslighted?

(106 Posts)
AllTheBestPeopleAre Tue 21-Feb-17 13:32:08

This morning dh left for work and I woke up to him getting a pair of socks and boxers out of his draw, I asked him what are you doing he said getting some socks and boxers and left it as that, he was already dressed.

I woke up this morning and thought why was taking those.

Texting him today I asked him why he'd took them as he was already he said he only took socks because he had nothing on his feet. I am adamant he had boxers too. And he said boxers.

He's now calling me a dick and saying I'm making him out to be a liar but the thing is I seen the boxers in his hand.

Since splitting up and getting back together I've felt paranoid and even come off medication wandering if it was that that was making me feel that way. But I'm also not allowed to know the pin to his phone which was never a problem before.

I just don't know if it's my gut instinct or I am paranoid.

NotJanine Tue 21-Feb-17 13:38:24

So he was already fully dressed and then took some more socks and boxers out of his drawer? And he's not going anywhere that would mean he needs a change of underwear?

Why did you split up?

AllTheBestPeopleAre Tue 21-Feb-17 13:42:30

Yes. And nope. We split due to just arguing, he's adamant he didn't take the boxers. I know he did.

I brought them, they came in a pack of 3 I've just searched the house and found 2 of them.

BonnyScotland Tue 21-Feb-17 14:17:06

he's lying to you Sweetheart x

hellsbellsmelons Tue 21-Feb-17 14:22:33

Trust your gut on this.
You know what's going on here.
So what are you going to do about it?

Beachedwh4le Tue 21-Feb-17 14:25:51

Maybe he's wearing the third pair that you bought today? Or has them in a gym bag. This sounds quite paranoid. Why would it matter if he took a spare pair of boxers?

Surreyblah Tue 21-Feb-17 14:28:16

Yes sounds like gas lighting.

Is your suspicion that he is having an affair?

Suspicions like that are usually well founded.

CityMole Tue 21-Feb-17 14:34:36

Amazed that some people are so certain that this is gaslighting on the basis of this tiny amount of detail (unless I am missing an elaborate backstory, in which case, apologies OP.)

If you were half asleep and couldn't see his feet, is it not possible that he was just fetching socks? And even if he was getting spare pants/ socks, so what? Do you think the only thing that stops infidelity is the lack of a spare set of grunts? There are any number of reasons as to why he might want them.

Unless there are pre-exisintg trust issues I would say this is more a case of extreme paranoia rather than anything else.

What has made you feel that something is amiss?

Beachedwh4le Tue 21-Feb-17 14:39:36

Sounds more like you being half asleep than anything sinister.

NotJanine Tue 21-Feb-17 14:48:51

I don't think any of us can tell whether he had boxers or not nor whether he said he'd got them.

I can appreciate that you are feeling uncomfortable though. Has anything else happened which may be making you feel anxious or paranoid?

AllTheBestPeopleAre Tue 21-Feb-17 14:50:25

I was awake and know what I swore I seen the design of them in his hand. He doesn't have a gym bag. He wouldn't need to take a spare which is odd, else he'd just say.

It's the fact I've seen him and he even said to me I'm getting boxers and socks and now he's completely denying it.

I don't know what I'm going to do about it tbh. He's going to come back and make me out I didn't see them when I know I did, an if I ask to check his work bag I'm just going to feel and look like an idiot and he'll say thinks that will make me feel that way.

AllTheBestPeopleAre Tue 21-Feb-17 14:51:41


Beachedwh4le Tue 21-Feb-17 15:06:10

I think you need some professional help, you sound very strung out and upset. Presumably there is a back story we don't know about, otherwise your reaction is really a bit extreme. flowers

AllTheBestPeopleAre Tue 21-Feb-17 15:11:30


SaltandPepperRibs Tue 21-Feb-17 15:11:42

are there other things that make you think he is gaslighting you?

gamerchick Tue 21-Feb-17 15:13:59

I think that if you're at this point of anxiety about your relationship that you're searching the house for boxers then it's game over man. Maybe it's time to just end things for good and move on.

InTheMoodForLove Tue 21-Feb-17 15:18:36

>>they came in a pack of 3 I've just searched the house and found 2 of them.<<

maybe he was wearing the 3rd missing

CityMole Tue 21-Feb-17 15:22:30

Firstly, I would try to calm down. (I KNOW, nothing more annoying than somebody telling you to calm down, but I mean it with the kindest of intentions.) You need a clear head and you sound like you are quite upset.

I think that, rather than second guessing what he might do or say, you need to wait until he comes home from work and have a nice calm conversation about it. He might have a perfectly rational explanation! If you are sure that you had the conversation about the underwear, and it wasn't a dream, and if he then denies it, then yes, I'd say he is gaslighting you for some reason.

However, that hasn't happened yet, so don’t set any hares running and get yourself even more wound up. Also, if you are looking for signs that the relationship is in trouble, make sure you don’t make it into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

AllTheBestPeopleAre Tue 21-Feb-17 15:23:30

He had the 3rd in his hand when he was already dressed.

I know this all probably sounds mental, but I just wanted other peoples opinions.

I just can't tell if I'm being cheated on or being paranoid, and I'm wary. I've never had a reason not to trust him, but since we got back together I'm not allowed to know the pin to his phone and he's turned the notifications off.

ChicRock Tue 21-Feb-17 15:23:42

Unless there's a huge backstory, then you sound a bit unwell.

I don't think many people would have even given this a second thought, much less text him and searched the house for the third pair of boxer shorts.

It's quite possible he was wearing the third pair which is why you can only find 2 sets.

CityMole Tue 21-Feb-17 15:27:09

Why are you asking for his phone's PIN?

NotJanine Tue 21-Feb-17 15:29:22

If you'd been cheated on and gaslighted by him in the past then I could understand why you were feeling like this.

But as you haven't I don't know why you would jump to the conclusion that he's having an affair.

Have you asked him for the PIN to his phone? I think these days most people have their phones pretty secure, not because there up to anything dodgy.

NotJanine Tue 21-Feb-17 15:29:58

*they're up to anything dodgy

AllTheBestPeopleAre Tue 21-Feb-17 15:36:26

Unwell as in how?

I seen the third set in his hand. hmm maybe they wouldn't but I know what I saw and can't see why he'd deny it.

I went on his phone to log in to my Facebook noticed the pin had been changed since we split and left it, then asked if I was allowed to know it and he said no, so i left it but always wandered how it was fine back then but not now.

TDHManchester Tue 21-Feb-17 15:40:42

Had to google "gaslighting" haha

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