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Brand spanker

(35 Posts)
cantwaitforsummertimeeeeeee Tue 21-Feb-17 11:38:19

So I've split from my abusive partner ( verbally and had anger management problems) of 2.5 yrs it has taken a lot to leave him which has been over the last 3 months but officially asked him to leave finally 2.5 weeks ago

Since the last couple of months I've reconnected with old friends, one of which is an old school friend who I last saw 18 years ago!
He's lovely, kind and has been a very good source of advice along with my family and long term friends

He understands my situation and has also ended a volatile relationship last Nov and yesterday he told me he has feelings for me
To be honest I'm not surprised as he hasn't made it a secret however I have made it clear I'm not ready for a relationship so have said we can spend some time together.
He's been over, I've been to his, we've just had dinner a couple of times, gone to the beach and country park for walks and it's just been friendship

I really really like him
I feel guilty that I don't want my ex back as he is still contacting me
There's been no real apology just more horrible than nice messages as I won't get into a debate with him
He wants to buy me by saying I can keep his car and the private med insurance we had - soon as I'm saying I don't want it or him as we made each other miserable - see my last post as don't wanna ramble - he gets nasty

Anyway my question is how long do I leave it?
I'm worried about getting hurt and starting something new with someone again...I know him and his family from when I lived in the village and all his friends..who I've also reconnected back with but just want some

He said there's no pressure but I'm worried I'm letting go potentially of someone who can be amazing

Holly3434 Tue 21-Feb-17 11:42:43

First thing don't contract the ex block his numbers. With this guy take it how you are doing see what happens no rush for anything and he's ok to do this win-win situation

cantwaitforsummertimeeeeeee Tue 21-Feb-17 11:45:25

I can't block my ex yet

I have his car which is on hire as it's very complicated
I was buying a house with my ex and we for a hire car for short term lease so this week I'm desperately searching for a car
I've paid this months payment for it so I do have a month but I want it gone asap so he can't use it against me

There's just no reasoning with my ex as I've tried - do I really need to block him?

FriendofBill Tue 21-Feb-17 11:47:05

2.5 weeks is not long enough to recalibrate after any kind of relationship I don't think, especially a toxic one.
You must have work and healing to do.

You are talking about 'letting go' of someone after 2.5 weeks, this is really lacking perspective.

Your track record suggests you are not too good at picking suitable partners.
This chap, is keen to get involved with you immediately (someone who has just exited an abusive relationship) which is a concern too.

Back off.
Do the freedom programme.
Think about a relationship in a year.
You are headed for disaster.

FriendofBill Tue 21-Feb-17 11:49:12

I see you are still financially/legally entangled with the ex.
Back off.
When you are out of the mess, then think about a relationship.
This new man wont give you the healing you need.

Ciaovenora Tue 21-Feb-17 11:49:54

Well, i think id advise anyone just out of a relationship to give themselves some time alone before they embark on their next journey.

The fact you're just out of an abusive relationship and are thinking if you don't jump into something with this amazing guy he may find someone else.

My advice, take some time out alone learn to make your self happy without a man in the picture. Id be super wary of going from man too man its simply not a healthy way for anyone to live regardless of gender.

Holly3434 Tue 21-Feb-17 11:50:46

Then you can return the car to the company yourself if lease is in your name, and you've paid. If not possible keep all contact about the car talk about nothing else hand it back asap and cut him out of your life focus on you, having fun, meeting people and a good friendship that can blossom into more

HerOtherHalf Tue 21-Feb-17 11:51:02

You finished with the ex for valid reasons. Focus on those reasons and don't allow your mind to play tricks on you by selectively cherry-picking the good times to think about.

As to how long you should wait, as long as it takes to meet someone who is going to be 100% right for you. I'd be wary of the new beau TBH. You say he came from a previously volatile relationship. If volatile means arguments, fights, potentially abusive behaviour then do not fool yourself into believing he was entirely the innocent party just because he is nice to you. Abusers are always nice to begin with, it's how they hook their next victim.

Holly3434 Tue 21-Feb-17 11:57:39

HerOtherHalf, same can be said about her too then

cantwaitforsummertimeeeeeee Tue 21-Feb-17 14:56:25

The car is in his name and I can't just give it back as I have school run and work so it's not practical
I'm literally car searching as we speak so I plan to get one asap !
Very true thank you all for your advice
I think I feel comfortable as I know Hun from old...yes very true I get what you are saying that all relationships are good at the beginning and yes you only hear the bad side about your ex. My mum and friend share the same concerns.
I'm not saying letting him go incase he gets with someone else I'm saying it incase I'm stopping myself from happiness.
I do think I should have some time out and just wanted some advice as I've had a rotten few weeks...
This freedom programme I'm really interested in
Do you know if you can do it from your mobile as I don't have a laptop
Think I would benefit from that

Thanks everyone

Ex has been contacting me today saying about talking but I've nicely said no and I will be sorting car asap

That's very clear to me that I cannot be with him..yes we both have our faults BUT he does have very bad anger which he needs help with

I love him but I've come to the end of my tether as Its making me so miserable

BertieBotts Tue 21-Feb-17 15:00:45

You have chlildren... don't get into another relationship yet. You need some time.

You don't get one chance at happiness. There will be other chances at relationships! smile Let this one go, for now.

cantwaitforsummertimeeeeeee Tue 21-Feb-17 15:39:50

Yes I do a little girl who part of the reason why I haven't got back with my ex is because I want her to grow up in a happy environment.

I did everything right last time
Didn't introduce her until I was ready, and it still ended in tears

Just so hard trying to deal with all his


Prawnofthepatriarchy Tue 21-Feb-17 16:37:05

Don't whatever you do jump into a new relationship weeks after a break up. It's a recipe for disaster. Plus if this new man has admitted being in a violent relationship I'd be looking long and hard. Violent men often try to make it seem that their ex was just as much to blame and with your track record I'd be concerned you're going for the same type again.

That said, when a relationship fails it's always a good idea to analyze what part you played in the failure. For example I had a brief relationship when I was very young with a man who beat me up. Two black eyes and a broken nose.

What was my part in this? I knew I didn't deserve the violence. My part in what happened was that I was naive and gullible, and that I refused to listen to people who told me he was a dangerous man. So I changed my ways and was a lot more wary.

In your case you are not to blame for anger management issues of your Ex. However if you fail to examine your part you're likely to walk straight into another relationship that's very much the same.

Take time out and look at what draws you to this type. If you don't it will keep on happening.

cantwaitforsummertimeeeeeee Tue 21-Feb-17 17:28:13

It wasn't a violent relationship
He said his ex was horrible
This has been backed up by quite a few people
Man or women both can be the offender I'm not saying all women are crazy as I'm certainly not!! But she started to harass him and turned up at his house and he has had to block her...he's shown me the messages and she seems quite similar to my ex partner. Anyway it's not about that I do appreciate your advice
He does seem like a genuine nice guy so I'm really not sure I should he suspicious of someone who is nice, considerate kind and is giving me really good support ATM same advice as my other friends and family
I will just obviously be careful but you don't really know anyone until you get to know them.

FriendofBill Tue 21-Feb-17 18:54:08

Put yourself first.
Your daughter.
Think about a man next year.
Have a relationship with yourself.

cantwaitforsummertimeeeeeee Tue 21-Feb-17 19:10:05

Ah ok it's looks a lot longer than I thought...I read the sample and watched the clip and wow so very effective
I'm working the next 3 days and I'm extremely exhausted so Monday is my next day off..I shall make sure I do it.

Prawnofthepatriarchy Tue 21-Feb-17 19:13:57

I think you need to listen to the people in your life who are advising you to wait. Your DD doesn't need any more drama. You described this new man's previous relationship as "volatile". That is open to a range of interpretations. And I appreciate that your own recent relationship was unhappy but I have learned through long experience to be wary of anyone who describes their ex as "horrible". One of the things I value in a potential partner is that they are on good terms with at least some of their exes.

It's too much, too soon. But I get the feeling I and others are wasting our breath.

BertieBotts Tue 21-Feb-17 19:17:10

I know... I know you can do everything "right" and it still doesn't work out, it's horrible, unfortunately it just happens that way sometimes.

It's not about being suspicious of new man. It's that even if he is the nicest most respectful guy in the world you're not in a good place to be getting into a relationship. You need time to discover yourself and figure out who you are, not rely on another person for that validation. Could he be a support as a friend?

arrrrghhwinehelpswithteens Tue 21-Feb-17 19:21:30

You've explained that you're not ready yet and he's accepted that. Keep the friendship on the platonic level for now; it's far too soon for either of you really.

Then if you both feel the same in around a year and your friendship is just as strong or stronger, having survived the initial rebound - cling to a raft period, and you find you still have feelings for each other then you can begin to take it further. You don't mention whether the new man has children with his ex but your DD certainly will need time to adjust to the new situation, and it would be better for both of you to have some time in a parent-child situation without a new "other" for you to get used to at the same time as she is potentially grieving over the loss of a father figure.

If he truly cares for you, the new man will be willing to take things at your pace.

Good luck!

cantwaitforsummertimeeeeeee Tue 21-Feb-17 19:22:06

No you aren't wasting your breath at all - that's why I'm on here asking

Yes course he could be just a friend
That's what I was asking....I do get from where everyone is coming from I really do.

And I'm sorry but I would describe my ex as ' horrible' because he is! that doesn't mean that I'm not capable of having a normal healthy loving relationship one day as that's what I would like.... maybe not yet but I'm not going to let my ex make me feel I can never trust anyone again
This is what my friend is saying...this man....and yes maybe he is telling me a lack of lies..maybe he isn't

I'm honestly not ready for any form of relationship - and I will be putting my lo first after what I've been though
I am honestly just asking for some advice and I will be taking it 😊

cantwaitforsummertimeeeeeee Tue 21-Feb-17 19:25:16

No he doesn't have any children
With his ex partner

My lo seems to be coping really well bless her and she has totally accepted he isn't coming back but then she has seen me ok as I've been putting on a very brace face
Also being half term I went a bit OTT and made sure she had the best week. We've had lots mummy daughter time and thankfully she is coping really well, which helps x

arrrrghhwinehelpswithteens Thu 23-Feb-17 16:16:18

Glad you had a good week with your daughter cant.

Good luck with everything. Even if this new guy turns out to only be a friend it still gives you something to look forward to.

cantwaitforsummertimeeeeeee Thu 23-Feb-17 17:06:02

aww thanks arggh

We've spoken today and he's asked if I can go to his Sunday as his ' mum is upset and misses me and lo '
I do miss his mum..and his family.. she was so lovely but I just feel it's the wrong decision as lo hasn't seen them since we split and I don't want her getting confused
Lo has accepted he's gone and she seems fine so I'm hoping she will stay that way...she's having lots mummy and me time so I'm just going to concentrate on us
I feel very sad but after speaking to him today I feel I have closure
I even sorted a car today so that's being delivered next week
Only a cheap run around but I've spent some time researching it
We have a lovely weekend planned with one of my girly friends and I'm taking lo swimming Sunday
Just taking each week as it comes
Thanks everyone for all your support
As for my friend he is being so lovely and really supportive so I'm keeping him 😊lol he knows the score and seems adult enough to know I can't commit to anything ATM
What happens in the future is the future
Now all I need to do is start eating again - building myself up and being the best role model I can for my daughter

FriendofBill Thu 23-Feb-17 18:11:39

Have you got an eating disorder OP or is this related to the break up?
Are you seeking treatment?
Have you registered for the freedom programme?

Having a car is great but your wellbeing and recovery from this relationship need to be a priority right now.

cantwaitforsummertimeeeeeee Thu 23-Feb-17 19:03:01

No I do not have an eating disorder!

I'm heart broken over my breakup and I've lost my appetite lately but I've started to eat well again

As for my car, I need a car for my job which I need to pay my bills and to take and collect my daughter to and from school as it's 2 miles and not walking distance and at the moment I have his car so as you can see I need a car for my well being and recovery

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