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Really conflicted about whether or not to stay friends with someone...

(13 Posts)
maggiethemagpie Tue 21-Feb-17 11:20:09

I've had this friend for around 15 years, I knew her from uni/post uni years where she was friends with people in my social circle so as social circles merged she kind of became a friend by default as opposed to someone who i'd met independently and developed a friendship with one on one.

We ended up coincidentally moving to the same city around 8 years ago and we were friends, but never super-close. It was our shared past and mutual friends that held the friendship together.

We then became pregnant around the same time and did become closer during our pregnancies as I guess we were going through a shared experience. I had my daughter around 2 months earlier than her and ended up going back to work six months later... we did a few mother and baby things together, but I had an older child as well so it wasn't always easy to do the type of baby groups that meet in cafes.

Anyway after I'd gone back to work, my friend developed a posse of other mums from these baby groups, and I felt like I'd been sidelined a little. She never invited me to things, and despite the fact that I still invited her over to mine now and then I never seemed to get a return invite. Things limped on for a while, and we did meet up now and then but I developed an ever increasing sense of resentment. This came to a head when, more recently, me/my child were not invited to her child's birthday party when we always had been before - she only invited her new mum posse friends.

I was hurt, but realised that if they all knew each other maybe inviting an 'outsider' to the group would have been a bit awkward. But it was kind of a last straw and I decided just to move on and stopped contact which had been a bit one sided on my part anyway.

Well, surprise surprise she got in touch a few months later asking to meet up, but that she was away that weekend. Which struck me as slightly strange - why ask to meet up with someone and tell them you're not free, as opposed to suggesting a weekend when you are? Anyway, my birthday was soon so I invited her along with some other friends out for a meal. We had a good time, and reconnected a little. She mentioned she was going to a gig I wanted to go to, and when I expressed an interest she said to come and sent me an invite on facebook.

I bought my ticket and told her I was going, the gig is tomorrow and I've not heard from her yet, I could get in touch and say what's happening tomorrow but something is stopping me and I'm sure it's not entirely rational..... I feel like I'm being sidelined again, and being the one to chase her.

I think to be honest I still feel a lot of resentment to her for, as I see it, ditching me for a new group of friends although I respect her right to be friends with whoever she wants and certainly wouldn't want to be possessive of anyone. I just think there was room for me too!

Part of me thinks I should give her another chance, the other part thinks it's not worth the risk as she'll let me down again, and it was kind of peaceful not being friends for a while. We do go back a long way though and I don't want to give up too easily just out of .... fear?

So I'm not quite sure how to play it, or whether I need to admit that if i can't trust her, it's time to move on.... any advice?

Tenshidarkangel Tue 21-Feb-17 12:06:34

I had similar to this last year. Super close then dropped for her ex friends (who had used her and treated her like shite in the past). I literally ghosted. I disappeared and never heard from her again.
Depends if you feel she deserves another chance, personally I'd ring about the gig and ask if we're going or not. If she says no, you've got you answer on how she feels about it all.

StiffenedPleat Tue 21-Feb-17 12:13:18

I think you're overthinking your friendship. You aren't close friends, you are just casual friends who occasionally do things together IF you can both find time. Call her and go to the gig and have a lovely time.

maggiethemagpie Tue 21-Feb-17 12:19:24

She's definitely going as she's put it on facebook. I probably will wait until later on today and then message her to see what the plan is.. that's the rational thing to do but as I said I'm not feeling very rational... like something is holding me back if that makes any sense?

I suppose I either give her another chance wholeheartedly or move on as this half way house is not doing me any good!

WhatIsWrongWithMePlease Tue 21-Feb-17 12:26:13

I would message her and ask her if she's still going tonight. I know you know she's going but then you'll she what she says if she replies. I assume she knows you've brought a ticket?

I get the impression from your post that you aren't particularly keen on this woman. Sorry if I've got that wrong.

Surreyblah Tue 21-Feb-17 12:40:14

It doesn't sound like you were that close to start off with, the friendship drifted, and she made new friends who you don't know.

I think YABU to feel "sidelined" or resentful that she hasn't sought to involve you in stuff that she and her new friends do, but YANBU not to bother keeping in touch when the friendship didn't feel reciprocal.

Surreyblah Tue 21-Feb-17 12:41:19

As for the gig, if you'd enjoy it more attending with a friend, just text her!

maggiethemagpie Tue 21-Feb-17 13:28:21

Thanks all

This wasn't an AIBU surreyblah!

I guess I was a bit miffed that she went off and made all these new friends, but I suppose I either put that behind me or I just call things a day as I can't be resentful of that if we are to stay friends.

maggiethemagpie Tue 21-Feb-17 14:03:24

OK so I got in touch and we're meeting up beforehand at hers now, then going on to the gig. I suppose I really need to put past perceived hurts behind me or else there's no point really is there.

graciestocksfield Tue 21-Feb-17 14:08:37

One thing I can tell you is she certainly hasn't given it as much thought as you have. Most people are very busy and find it hard to keep up any kind of friendships, she almost certainly won't have been actively side-lining you.

ScarlettFreestone Tue 21-Feb-17 14:11:32

You aren't being reasonable really. Why shouldn't she make new friends? After all you were back at work and not available for baby cafe style meet ups.

Maybe she was lonely? But even if she wasn't she's allowed to make new friends without your permission.

I have a group of friends I was very close to when my DC were babies. We used to see each other every week. But once people went back to work and then the kids started school meet ups have drifted to once every six months or so.

We all used to invite each ither's DC to birthday parties but now we don't.

It's perfectly normal.

Surreyblah Tue 21-Feb-17 14:22:54

IMO it's not U to use AIBU acronyms as shorthand on other parts of MN!

I guess the Q is do you still enjoy her company and wish to meet up from time to time.

maggiethemagpie Tue 21-Feb-17 14:42:41

I have no issue with her making other friends. I have other friends too! It's not about her not having other friends, but about feeling that the friendship was not reciprocated. I think it's healthy to be aware of that, a sign of healthy boundaries that I may not think that's ok.

But, she seems to want to maintain the friendship now, this thing tomorrow is the first thing we've gone to together (as in an event, not the park or each others houses for a playdate) in a while, so maybe it can be a fresh start.

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