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Confused and guilty

(6 Posts)
springyflowers Tue 21-Feb-17 11:19:42

A year ago I left an abusive relationship and it's been a tough time emotionally getting my head around it all and also dealing with all the resulting fallouts from those around me.
Some family members who I believed were supportive today expressed their view that I was almost as much to blame as ex p for the relationship breakdown. Thats because when two people break up it is always both parties who are to blame. We all make mistakes they said you just have to learn and move on. I am at fault too and I need to start accepting that.
I am at fault because I persevered with a failing relationship and I should have realised.
It's just really upset me as now I am beating myself up again and doubting myself.
I guess I must be at fault in some way but I now know I was suffering big time emotional abuse, sometimes physical . (Lundy Bancroft books were huge eye opener) My abusive parents gave me a skewed understanding of 'normal' relationships. This is what I tried to say back to my 'supporters' but this was literally dismissed as a 'red herring'. They minimise a lot and I think that they feel my calling it 'abuse' is far fetched and way over the top. They cannot name it as such. Although they accept it's bad behaviour and do not approve of his treatment of me they take a diplomatic approach.  They insist that he is more of an 'insensitive lost soul' rather than the abuser that he is, and insist he is not a nasty person. (Even though they know of the physical abuse and emotional abuse he inflicted). It makes my feelings/experience feel minimised and not warranted.
Sorry if this is a bit garbled .. I accept totally if I am being unreasonable in this situation but not sure if I am. I realise I should have not started a relationship with ex p but hindsight is a wonderful thing.
Also they always encouraged the relationship! Even when things were bad.
They have been a rock in many ways but I often feel belittled and judged. Is this my issue though? Don't know. It's how I feel but not sure if it's right.
I'm struggling to know what is 'right' any more. I've really messed up.

I guess my main question is that don't know whether to continue with getting support from them as I don't know whether this is my problem. I don't have any support otherwise so it's tough but maybe I am better on my own.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 21-Feb-17 13:42:01


It is all them.
Your parents were abusive as well which means they in no way want to accept that what they did has any bearing on where you are now.
But deep down, that is exactly what has happened and they know it!

You do what YOU need to do to get over this.
Ignore the people saying it takes 2.
Abuse in very rarely 2 way.
There is more often or not an abuser and a 'victim'
His behaviour and his abuse is why you left.

Well done on getting away.
With the crappy support you have around you, you did really well.

Are you in contact with Womens Aid?
0808 2000 247 do give them a call.

Reading Lundy is a great move but if you've not done the Womens Aid Freedom Programme please talk to them about it and attend the next one they are doing.
It will help you with future relationships, setting your own boundaries.
You've had some bad lessons from your parents so you will need to reset your brain to understand what abuse looks like very early on.
Freedom Programme will do that for you.

I will say this once again

springyflowers Tue 21-Feb-17 14:51:24

Thank you for your reply hellsbells.
I have done the freedom programme and had support from woman's aid, so I am not sure why I still find it hard to piece everything together.
I'm starting to wonder if these family members also have abusive attitudes too, just certain things that happened and have been said. History of things that have happened in the past.
Which makes me doubt myself because it's almost as if everyone 'close' to me is like that and surely that can't be the case.
I want to do the right thing and maybe to do that I should change my attitude and to take responsibility for the part I played in things that have happened.

thethoughtfox Tue 21-Feb-17 15:19:04

If these are people from your family saying this, they cannot accept or allow themselves to believe this behaviour is abusive because it means that they were/ are abused / abusive. This just shows how tragic and dysfunctional they are. Feel sorry for them if they are victims but they cannot be a true source of support for you. Hopefully you have other people to lean on xx

springyflowers Thu 23-Feb-17 21:02:52

That's a good point thethoughtfox, I'm actually feel angry about it now - that they feel I am in some way to blame for being treated like complete and utter shit. At the time I just tried to brush it off this comment but it's really really bothered me.

NotTheFordType Thu 23-Feb-17 21:05:35

Its very hard to accept that your parents were abusive

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