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When does it stop hurting? I'm almost 6 months post-separation and it still stings like a motherfucker

(6 Posts)
Hoppityfuckingvoosh Mon 20-Feb-17 22:37:56

I "seem" to be doing ok to everyone on the outside but deep down all I want is for my ex to have his epiphany and realise what a mistake he's making and come home.

Split up after 18 months of no intimacy or niceness, despite me trying my hardest on both counts. There isn't anyone else, I'm sure of that, he just didn't love me anymore. Tried counselling and it got us nowhere. He's detached and putting the problems into me-I work to hard, aren't including him in family life etc, we never have any fun. His head is in the clouds if he thinks two people with full time jobs, toddler, mortgage and extensive family responsibilities have the time and energy for constant fun.
He moved out and I thought, naively, he would miss me. He doesn't.
Fast forward to today, I calmly tell him I was upset and hurt at something he didn't do and he twists it so it's my fault he didn't do it. I try and draw his attention to the fact that he's taking a legitimate complaint about his behaviour and making it about everyone else instead of taking responsibility for it.

I can't win. If I say anything it's the wrong thing. If I ask him not to do something with Ds, I'm questioning his parenting. I spend ages on the phrasing of what I say to him because I know that he'll take offence at it. Today, by telling him I was hurt I was apparently implying that he didn't care about me or DS. I can't say anything without it being misconstrued or twisted into something he can use against me. Meanwhile, he can explicitly say what he wants/feels because he's doing it the "right way" (whatever that means. The reason it's the "right" way is that I don't read into every fucking word out of his mouth searching for ammunition to make him look irrational).

I need to detach from this. It's driving me crazy and the hoping it'll change and he'll wake up to it is pointless. It's never going to happen but it just hurts so much. I didn't want this-I wanted what we had and I know we could get it back if only he wanted it.

I hate him for splitting up my family. I hate him for making me question everything thing I say and do and my self-worth.

How do you detach when you have kids? I know if I didn't have to see him I could heal but I have to see and talk to him for DS.

jeaux90 Mon 20-Feb-17 22:43:58

Hoppity read your post again. Why would you want him back? He sounds bloody awful!

If you want to really detach (and you should) the only time you should see him is at drop offs with the kids and then it should be a cursory nod or a word or two. Text message kept to a minimum and only about the kids logistics. The only way to heal is to detach for a while. Xxx

Howlongtilldinner Mon 20-Feb-17 22:52:03

Doesn't matter how awful he is (and he's bloody awful) it will still hurt like hell..time is a great healer though and this too shall pass..I guarantee it..flowers

Hoppityfuckingvoosh Mon 20-Feb-17 22:52:13

He never used to be this way. I don't know what has changed in him. I don't know why I'm not enough anymore.

I'm not texting anymore. When he drops dS off or does night times (at my house) then I'll ask him to leave straight after.

It just hurts so much. I don't know where the man I loved has gone.

friendshipfloss Mon 20-Feb-17 22:57:35

Having been in a similar position, there is no making sense of the situation. My stbxH also threw all the blame for our split at my door, conveniently forgetting the fact that he had been having an affair for 4 years. He seemed unable to take any responsibility & he avoided any conversation with me. I never found out the full truth however I don't need to know and it now seems irrelevant to my current life.

The first year was the hardest, but now nearly 2 years on, and the anxiety is fading. I have realised how strong I am, after diminishing myself to suit him for so many years. I have a lovely new partner which I never thought would happen. It is a hard journey but to move forward, you first have to let go of the past as well as the future you had imagined.

My children are teenagers & it has been hard supporting them through this time & I hate him for what he has put us through. However, I am looking ahead now to all the doors that have opened for me.

RedastheRose Mon 20-Feb-17 23:03:54

He is the problem not you! He is being manipulative and that is emotional abuse, look up gaslighting and triangulation. He knows what he is doing and he knows that he is upsetting you and yes unfortunately you are right he just doesn't care! What you have to do is get to the point where you don't care about him. To do this you will most probably need counselling to sever the emotional connection you feel with the tosser. Please go see your doctor and ask for an urgent refers for counselling or (if you can afford it) make an appointment for counselling privately. Please do not blame yourself, ideally you need to limit contact with this toxic person as much as possible he will only hurt you. If you can get angry aboit how horrible he has been to you then all the better. Try and make sure you act like you really don't care around him (called going grey rock) this will make it very clear to him that he can't hurt you anymore.

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