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What do you think turns somebody into a sadist?

(94 Posts)
dreamreckless Mon 20-Feb-17 17:51:44

Are people just born that way? or do they become so because of something that happened to them?

Isadora2007 Mon 20-Feb-17 17:53:38

I believe they experience stuff that makes them that way.
Perhaps there are the very odd one or two who are born that way but mostly I'd say the former.

dreamreckless Mon 20-Feb-17 18:00:26

What sort of stuff, do you think? Being humiliated?

NotTheFordType Mon 20-Feb-17 18:14:32

Are we talking about sadism as in BDSM, or as in actively wanting to harm people?

Some speculation here and history on sadism as a kink:

HecateAntaia Mon 20-Feb-17 18:16:27

i think some are born that way. some have serious predispositions that only needed a nudge and some are as a result of their upbringing. not necessarily being h7miliated. thats far too simplistic. it will be a combination of things. trauma in formative years or basic needs not being met or learned behaviour or feeling powerless etc.
but in all cases there will have to be something fundamentally 'in' them for want of a better description because the same experiences affect different people differently.

AnyFucker Mon 20-Feb-17 18:18:26

Why do you ask ?

dreamreckless Mon 20-Feb-17 18:26:36

Thanks. AF, a few reasons, I was re reading a book I liked as a younger person and I saw that one of the characters had these tendencies. And I honestly think my husband has them too. I suppose I'm just trying to process and understand, in a higgle piggle way? Thanks for that link.

tigermoll Mon 20-Feb-17 18:33:20

From an intellectual point of view, it can be very interesting to look into what makes people the way they are, the links between childhood experiences and adult actions, etc.

But if you're actively having to deal with a sadist/narcissist/sociopath in your everyday life, then I don't think it's always helpful to go down the rabbit hole of "but WHY are they like this??". You can fall into the trap of trying desperately to understand their behaviour, instead of understanding your own responses and why you tolerate being treated badly. It's better to put your energy into yourself and your own motivations than focusing on "fixing" or "helping" the other person.

If we're talking about BDSM/kink and the person with those traits is safe, sane, trustworthy, in control of their desires and all parties are enjoying themselves, then why ask why? smile

AnyFucker Mon 20-Feb-17 18:51:45

dream are you ok ?

noego Mon 20-Feb-17 19:07:30

Programming and conditioning from a very early age.

There is a few documentaries on Netflix that prove this point.

One is called " the mask you wear or the mask you're in" about male programming and conditioning and the other is called "Miss Responsibility" about how females are programmed and conditioned.

Both very enlightening.

WTAF2016 Mon 20-Feb-17 20:41:56

What sort of sadism do you mean? Kinky and enjoying causing pain to a consenting partner? Or something more sinister?

WTAF2016 Mon 20-Feb-17 20:44:14

There is an interesting book about how men do imprint on certain sexual preferences at a young age in a way that women don't

Ohyesiam Mon 20-Feb-17 20:46:08

Op, are you ok?

dreamreckless Mon 20-Feb-17 21:48:33

I don't think he's exactly sinister. Well, no I'm not so sure actually. He's not that kinky it's not chains and dungeons. The main thing that worries me is he ONLY gets aroused by hurt or humiliation.

ihatethecold Mon 20-Feb-17 21:56:32

That sounds worrrying op.

AnyFucker Mon 20-Feb-17 23:09:10

Op, do you feel you need to be "strong" to get through it ?

Your partner sounds terrifying, btw.

dreamreckless Mon 20-Feb-17 23:13:12

Do you mean my other thread? smile I think I was just angry with myself for NOT being strong, as I feel most other women would have told him to piss off long ago.

When I re read the book I used to love the character as he reminded me of DH, and then I read it back and was like "shit this character is disturbed" and it was like things went click, click, click. Now I am wondering whats wrong with ME!

Didiusfalco Mon 20-Feb-17 23:13:34

That sounds scary.

Has it always been like that with him?

BertieBotts Mon 20-Feb-17 23:15:29

That is a sexual fetish and it sounds like it's one that you need to exercise particular care around.

I personally think that fetishes are slightly incorrect wiring in the brain if that makes sense, just one of those weird quirks which affects humans randomly. Sometimes they're harmless, like someone who can only get turned on by feet is pretty harmless but niche, but being turned on by administering pain and causing humiliation is potentially damaging unless you happen to possess the counterpart fetish and you really can separate it from your self esteem/sense of self.

I would definitely not recommend being in a relationship with somebody with this fetish unless you're actively into the BDSM lifestyle stuff yourself.

BertieBotts Mon 20-Feb-17 23:16:56

Is it 50sog you're talking about? You don't have to answer of course. But 50 shades is not an accurate portrayal of safe/sane/consensual BDSM, it's more of a portrayal of an abusive and controlling relationship.

BertieBotts Mon 20-Feb-17 23:19:23

And (sorry will go to bed soon!) if it is 50 Shades, there is nothing wrong with you. The book was vastly popular, which is testament to the fact that abusive, manipulative behaviour is extremely charming and somehow attractive on a kind of base level.

It doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you - it probably does mean that you could do with looking at your boundaries, and it is worth noting that a relationship like that starts off exciting and quickly becomes scary and then just lonely. It's all a facade.

TheCuriousOwl Mon 20-Feb-17 23:20:14

I really hope you're ok OP.

My ex was a sexual sadist. I finally got the guts to leave and go NC when he threatened to rape and beat me and that he 'wouldn't be responsible for his actions'.

I get what makes you stay but I'd say these men are dangerous. They're abusers who tell you who they are. Look after yourself.

dreamreckless Mon 20-Feb-17 23:20:23

No, no no! No! NO! DEFINITELY not 50sog grin

No I don't really mean "like that" as in a book which is about S&M in a sexual sense. it's a book I enjoyed as a teenager. And I treated myself to a copy (it's now out of print but I got one second hand.)

I know it doesn't make much sense. But one of the characters was a very strong ruthless character who loved the girl in the book and it was presented as a romance and that was how I read it but I read it back through adult eyes and saw it very differently, and I'm maybe seeing my husband differently too. Sorry for making no sense blush

BertieBotts Mon 20-Feb-17 23:27:02

Oh I see, sorry! For assuming blush But I do think that the same thing applies. Like you say, ruthlessness and even cruelty sometimes can be portrayed in literature in a romantic way because it is almost some kind of fantasy to be totally under another's control, in writing it can very much come across like that, but in real life it can be quite different. And with perspective it can absolutely be different. When I look back at some of the things I thought romantic when I was a teen blush

Is it just the rereading of the book that's made you question things or have there been actual things IRL which have worried you too?

dreamreckless Mon 20-Feb-17 23:32:49

Don't apologise! I was a little strong in my denials wasn't I blush I forgot the film was out so it did sound like it could be.

It's hard to say, it really is. He is certainly capable of being very cruel, in quite a calculated way, but then he is also capable of being incredibly kind and which is "him"? I just couldn't tell you, I don't know.

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