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He says he doesn't want to get married.

(218 Posts)
thisisallnewtome8 Mon 20-Feb-17 16:22:19

We have been together 3 years. Over the weekend I mentioned that I would like us to get married at some point. We have both been married before. Only DP said he doesn't want to get married again. He doesn't see the point of it. It has no bearing on how he feels about me.
I feel crushed to be honest. How can he marry one person. Decide not to marry me and for me not to feel second best?
Is marriage really not important?
The reasons behind wanting to get married.
1. I love him
2. I want to be his wife.
3. I want to feel part of his family and not an outsider.

His reasons for not getting married
1. He doesn't see the point
2. It doesn't mean anything

ClemDanfango Mon 20-Feb-17 16:25:52

If marriage is important to you than it's important, doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks (except for your DP of course) it sounds like you want different things OP I'm sorry, can you stay with him knowing he'll never marry you?

Chasingsquirrels Mon 20-Feb-17 16:28:31

I felt like your DP.
My first marriage hadn't worked and I felt like what was the point in getting g married.
Over time I realised how much now DH meant to me and how real and special our relationship was.
I asked him if he still wanted to marry me.
Luckily he did.

mouldycheesefan Mon 20-Feb-17 16:30:20

Both your viewpoints are valid. He's done it all before and it didn't work out, I can understand him not wanting to do it again. That doesn't mean you are second best it just means his experience of marriage makes it unattractive to him to do it again.

missyB1 Mon 20-Feb-17 16:33:43

You are both entitled to feel how you feel. I totally understand you wanting to get married again (I did it), but you can't force him too obviously. Tricky one to resolve, you may have to decide if this is a deal breaker or not.

thisisallnewtome8 Mon 20-Feb-17 16:34:15

Thanks for the replies. Apologies for not mentioning it before. DP is a widower. They had a great marriage. I didn't think I would feel this strongly about it.
I'm not entirely sure whether I'm jealous or envious. I am ashamed to admit this angry

PastoralCare Mon 20-Feb-17 16:35:46

What do you understand by marriage? The wedding day itself and all the preparation till then?

If so, how much money are you will to spend?

Is it some kind of contract that is unbreakable and will give you (both?) reassurance that you wont need to look any further from then on?

In which case, even a superficial glance at the headlines here will tell you that it is no such guarantee.

(Number of marriages and divorces, England and Wales
YearDivorces/ Marriages
2010119,589 / 243,808
2011117,558/ 249,133
2012118,140/ 262,240

If you both wanted to get married, whatever it meant, you'd be in better shape, but if he starts to resist from now, I'd recommend to either enjoy what you are having now, or move if you want someone who espouses your concept of marriage.

Here are more statistics for you.

webarchive.nationalarchives.gov.uk/20160105160709/http://www.ons.gov.uk/ons/rel/vsob1/divorces-in-england-and-wales/2011/sty-what-percentage-of-marriages-end-in-divorce.html

Surreyblah Mon 20-Feb-17 16:36:22

Do you live together? Each have DC?

Who is the higher earner/has most financial assets?

Spacecadet14 Mon 20-Feb-17 16:38:30

Has he never mentioned it at all during the three years you've been together? Seems odd it's never come up before. My DP told me quite early on he never wanted to get married because he didn't believe a piece of paper could validate a relationship. I thought he was joking but he wasn't, so I had a choice: did marriage matter so much to me that I had to walk away? Turns out it didn't and we're still together 12 years later. My deal breaker was kids, but he wanted a family too and we now have a DD, who IMO is a far bigger sign of commitment than marriage ever could be.

mouldycheesefan Mon 20-Feb-17 16:40:39

Ah ok I see he is a widower. I think you just have to respect his views on it then perhaps he feels it would be disloyal to his wife or perhaps he just can't face getting married again because it brings up pain related to his loss. Perhaps it was once in a lifetime thing for him. People deal with loss in different ways. It doesn't mean that he doesn't care about you.

sunshinesupermum Mon 20-Feb-17 16:41:33

My DP is widowed too and I am divorced. As we are older and won't be having children we are both happy as we are, accepted by both sets of families.

There were moments after we'd been together 2 -3 years when I thought it would be nice to get married but I've got past that now, even though DD2 said she would love to dance at my wedding lol

Please don't feel bad if you are jealous or envious - I understand that feeling but he's chosen to be with you. My DP used to bring up his wife in convo more than I liked but does it less often (7 years on) now.

Rafflesway Mon 20-Feb-17 16:41:42

This would be a deal breaker for me this but I accept I am quite old fashioned about these things.

If I were you I would sit down with your DP and explain why marriage is so important to you - FWIW I think your reasons are totally understandable and don't forgot about long term security/health requirements re next of kin and especially if you are planning to have DC - but if he still says no then I would certainly feel as you do.

Personally I couldn't carry on in a relationship where our future wishes were so very different and, devastating as it may be, I wouldn't waste any more years where it would eat away at me.

When I met DH - many years ago - he wanted to marry and I didn't really as had previously broken off 6 year engagement. My DH broke up with me as he said it was marriage or nothing shock. Took me about 3 weeks to change my mind and I have spent almost 40 years telling him - very happily - how he blackmailed me into marriage. 😹😹😹. Thank goodness he did!grin. We are totally, blissfully joined at the hip!

thisisallnewtome8 Mon 20-Feb-17 16:42:26

All very valid points. Thank you for replying. We do live together in his house we which was the marital home. I live there with his children. I know referring to yourself as step mother is frowned upon here if you're not married but the fact is I am their mother figure and we co-parent.
He has always been 100% supportive regarding that.
I don't want a wedding at all. I would happily pick two people off a street and get married in jeans and t shirt.
He is a very high earner but is also incredibly generous and has always paid for everything.
We have separate finances but I have a good job. Own house which is now rented out so will never depend on him financially.
He says that getting married was the right thing to do because they wanted children.
We are not having any children together so he just can't see my reasoning.
I'm not sure whether it is a deal breaker. Potentially yes I suppose.

mouldycheesefan Mon 20-Feb-17 16:42:42

@spacecadet14 do you have all the relevant legal protections in place if you aren't married.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 20-Feb-17 16:43:05

I think your reasons are far more valid than his which to me are weak and do not stand up to close scrutiny.

However, you need to decide what you want to do now with this information. If you do want marriage it will not be to this person so will you ultimately leave him?.

mouldycheesefan Mon 20-Feb-17 16:43:50

Op he sounds lovely, don't end the relationship over this it would be a real shame. 💐

sunshinesupermum Mon 20-Feb-17 16:45:36

thisisallnewtome8 I'm not sure of why it would be a deal breaker for you. You don't want children, you are both financially secure whatever happens.
Seriously trying to understand your POV so that you can then explain it to your DP! wine to help.

ivykaty44 Mon 20-Feb-17 16:45:44

Marriage does give a woman rights above and beyond a girlfriend
Not being married leaves a girlfriend in a very precarious position if you have DC together and the family breaks up, it effects a woman significantly

I'd not have a family with a man that didn't want an equal partnership

Spacecadet14 Mon 20-Feb-17 16:45:57

Yes Mouldycheesefan! Have it all drawn up to safeguard DD's future as much as our own.

Timeforteaplease Mon 20-Feb-17 16:46:51

No right or wrong here - both your feelings are valid. Just keep talking to him.

Batteriesallgone Mon 20-Feb-17 16:48:35

I suppose as it stands if he dies his kids get his assets. Whereas if you married you would get them, so he would have to get a will stating what he wanted to leave to the kids and what to you. I'm not sure, in his situation, I would want to get married tbh. Legal wrangles between kids from the first marriage and wife from the second are pretty common when the man dies and he might think by remaining unmarried he's keeping it simple.

thisisallnewtome8 Mon 20-Feb-17 16:48:51

Thank you. I do see my points are valid. But equally so are his.
He is indeed lovely. The road has not been smooth but he has always had my back with regards to making me feel part of the family. He says I am a mum to the children and the best thing to have entered all of their lives. ( I can't have children) so this makes me happy.
Financially has has given me the best opportunity possible to be financially independent. The chance to save money. Buy property whilst never taking a penny in return.
He does have very good qualities but is also incredibly stubborn so I know no means no.

Rafflesway Mon 20-Feb-17 16:49:15

So sorry OP, just read your update regarding DP being a widower. That does put a slightly different "spin" on things as entering a new relationship must have been very hard for him.

However, I still feel you need to explain to him why you feel as you do. If he still nixes the idea then I'm sorry but I would feel it was a no goer for me. Be wary of any promises of "Perhaps in a few years" too! I certainly understand he needs more consideration with having suffered such a devastating bereavement but after 3 years he needs to be very honest with you and let you go if he can't give you the commitment you feel you need.

sunshinesupermum Mon 20-Feb-17 16:51:40

ivy They do not have kids together nor plan to. The children referred to are his, not hers.

And read her post! Legally/financially OP is not bound to him!
We have separate finances but I have a good job. Own house which is now rented out so will never depend on him financially.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 20-Feb-17 16:51:45

"I know referring to yourself as step mother is frowned upon here if you're not married but the fact is I am their mother figure and we co-parent.
He has always been 100% supportive regarding that".

Hmm, well he would be because he has you caring for his two children. I think he has you over a barrel really and has not been completely open or even honest with you about his desire not to marry again. I also wonder if he regards the money he earns as primarily his money too hence he also not wanting to marry.

Has he made any provision for you in his will?.

I also think that both legally and financially you are in a very weak position because in law you are seen as two separate individuals unrelated to each other and are treated as such. If he was to for example drop dead suddenly next week you would really be up the creek without a paddle.
.

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