I just don't know what to do and feel like my marriage is in tatters.
Can you ever repair a marriage, I don't even know how to fix it or if I want to.
Background, I met dh at university where we both studied. It was his home town but I was from 3 hours away. We were friends first and I ended up not going back home after finishing my studies. I wanted to but he didn't want to come and I was terrified of losing him having settled into a relationship by this point.
Within about 3 months of moving permanently I went through a tough time with my grandfather passing away (tough being so far away from my family and being out of the loop) and then dh (obviously not married at the time) struck up an inappropriate relationship with a friend.
She fancied him, he fancied her, they flirted and I think if I hadn't found out things may have gone further. I was crushed to say the least, especially because everyone seemed to know bar me with some of his friends warning him off doing anything stupid.
We eventually got past it but I was quite depressed for a few years and it had a huge impact on my mental and physical state.
Eventually we got engaged (happily), married and had a child and I really trusted him again. Put it all down to a silly mistake by a young man child (we were only 21 when it happened)
Then when dd was 18 months old I found out about another inappropriate relationship.
I don't know fully how inappropriate but know they drunkenly shared a bed but didn't have sex. But they did talk about their fondness of each other and if only they weren't married. To me sharing a bed with another woman counts as cheating however far it went beyond that. Clearly they knew it was wrong or he would've told me as soon as he got home.
I should've kicked him out but didn't. The insecurities set in, life on my own with a child, far away from family with no friends. I lost all faith in myself.
My self esteem was shot to the core.
Then within 4 months he lost his job (it wasn't his fault and it hit him hard) and ended up out of work for a year. He was lazy and frustrating whilst unemployed, but also depressed so it was hard for me to deal with.
I then changed career taking a big pay cut in the hope of a better life in years to come. Somehow I managed to get him a job where I now work and that's where we now are.
I so want life to be better, I want our relationship to be better, but I think I resent that I gave up my family and he treated me how he did.
I also see that I've never let go of the "I moved from my family for you" line which must hurt him and make him feel he isn't worth it.
It's bad but I almost want his parents and close friends of his to see what he's done. I want people to see what I've been through as obviously only a few people know the truth and most people just feel bad for him due to the unemployment event. I want him to earn back what he destroyed but it doesn't feel that way.
Should I just be moving past it? Is it my fault keeping hold of the pain or is it OK to feel this way?
I do still love him but so much about him frustrates me these days. Even the stupid little things like snoring and him being unable to use his initiative for helping round the house. Or maybe I just don't see him helping as I'm that annoyed. I worry we are more like friends and less like husband and wife. I think it's 50/50 these days.
How can we change things to make them better? Can we save us?
I could speak with one person in RL but thats it. I think dsis suspects there is trouble due to some comments she's made but if I told her the whole truth she'd never be able to look at him in the same way again and I couldn't do that to him/us.
Feel lost with what to do
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Can we be repaired?
Pandora85 · 20/02/2017 13:53
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.