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In a pickle

(13 Posts)
needalittleL Mon 20-Feb-17 13:26:55

Been with DP for 7 years, we have a 5year old.

There is nothing truly wrong with us but nothing massively right. Sex is a bit forced but not on his part-I just don't feel like it really. Because I realise sex is an important factor in a relationship and because we weren't doing it regularly we have implemented a sex schedule where we do it on a specific night of the week (and spontaneously if it happens)

We argue (not massive fights) and he has told me a couple of weeks ago that we need to shake things up a bit as he doesn't think I fancy him anymore or act interested.

I do love him very much and could list lots of things that I like about him but it doesn't feel enough.

Our house is owned by him because I couldn't get a mortgage with my credit history. But we paid half deposit each (I know this is foolish please don't tell me off) and we pay equally into the mortgage and have done since we bought the house. We have life insurance that covers the mortgage in case one of us dies but really I think this is the only legal thing tying us.

Obviously this has been on my mind quite a lot and I was wondering what would happen if we decided to split up (we haven't decided to split up)? I am wondering how my worries about money are hiding my true feelings.

Obviously we have a child too and I would worry about custody as he owns a house and I don't.

He's a very reasonable man and I think he would do the right thing and split down the middle and share custody (our friends have just split up acrimoniously and he's commented on how immature they are acting).

What do you think? I'm royally fucked aren't I? I don't want to leave yet but I need to know my options if we did split.

category12 Mon 20-Feb-17 13:45:18

Can you prove your half of the deposit?

needalittleL Mon 20-Feb-17 13:47:29

Yes I can prove 15k of it and the other 5 I can prove I transferred him 2.5k but not that it was for the mortgage. We send each other these notes each month for bills etc so his might say 'mortgage- 500 water 35 insurance 35' etc

Gottabeyou Mon 20-Feb-17 13:47:55

Assume you are not married?

needalittleL Mon 20-Feb-17 13:48:45

No sorry not married.

Justmuddlingalong Mon 20-Feb-17 13:54:17

You paid half of the deposit and pay half of the mortgage every month, yet the house is in your partner's name? I wouldn't trust him continuing to be reasonable if you do split. Was putting your name on the house never discussed at any point?

category12 Mon 20-Feb-17 13:56:58

At least there's a paper trail then. I would check what your position formally before you do anything.

needalittleL Mon 20-Feb-17 14:47:22

I couldn't get a mortgage (I said that earlier) because of past credit issues. I actually earn more than him and work F/T and am
In the process of getting rid of my outstanding debts at the minute and have one left (5 previous) to clear.

Affording separate places shouldn't be an issue I guess but I would be worried about my position Ina custody arrangement as he technically owns the house.

I guess I do need to speak to a solicitor but that feels so big and scary and I'm not at that point yet. We do love each other, that much I know but I'm frightened of something 'big' happening that splits us up (as opposed to gradually drifting apart (which I feel we are doing now)

category12 Mon 20-Feb-17 15:30:39

Well you'd be able to prove a financial interest in the property, but unlikely to be able to stay in it, I would have thought. As long as you can house the dc, you should be OK.

Ellisandra Mon 20-Feb-17 15:34:33

I would take advantage of your friends having an acrimonious split and him being a bit holier than thou about it.

"It's made me realise our situation isn't very clear - let's get a trust deed drawn up"

Any crap from him about "you don't need to, you should trust me" you reply "it's great that we're totally agreed on the ownership - so it's not big deal to get the paperwork done".

needalittleL Mon 20-Feb-17 18:47:08

Ellisandra thays a great idea. Yeah our friends are in a position where she bought he house (but they shared mortgage), they lived in it from it being built and paid for extensions etc then she decided she wanted him to leave and he didn't contest it. It's went very wrong and now she doesn't even want him to drop their child off and it's awful to be honest.

I will ask him for a trust document. And a will maybe. Then at least I can be protected. As I say I do love him I jus feel like these feelings are getting stronger and I think that's the case for both of us.

We would obviously look at counselling etc first before breaking up and other tactics (date nights etc)

Ellisandra Mon 20-Feb-17 22:47:56

The will should be a definite, not a maybe smile

needalittleL Tue 21-Feb-17 09:12:50

Yeah very true. Had another argument last night. He came home late (not drunk or anything) and woke me. I went back to sleep and he woke me again taking his clothes off and slamming keys on a dresser, I went back to sleep then he woke me because I was snoring. I snapped as I was super tired. He was grumpy with our daughter this morning.

He's out tonight again (band practise) and I assume will be grumpy again tonight when he gets in at 11ish. Will have to
Speak to him on Wednesday.

We both work away a lot and often just pass each other in bed etc. I think this is part of the problem.

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