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How to finish it with respect and kindness

(12 Posts)
HotNatured Mon 20-Feb-17 13:07:15

Just looking for some wisdom as to how to let a guy I've been seeing for a few months know I don't want to see him anymore. I want to do this with kindness and respect as this is what he deserves.

The thing is I can't really say why I don't feel that is right for me. He's kind, generous, would be considered attractive by most women, intelligent, etc etc but he doesn't make me laugh and that's really important to me, and I don't think I fancy him as much as I should. I feel that I need to let him down gently sooner rather than later as he has become v attached, has told me he has feelings for me and puts me on an impossible pedestal.

I don't want to do this by text as I feel that's too impersonal and cold. I will do it face to face even though it will be horrible as I know he is pinning his hopes on us going the distance. He tells me he thinks about me all the time sad

It really is a case of it's not you its me but I owe him more than that. The thought of seeing his face when I tell him makes me feel nauseous. Is there a way to finish with someone kindly? I really want to minimise the hurt I know he will feel....

dontpushmybuttons Mon 20-Feb-17 13:12:48

I went through this a few years ago and it was awful. I'd been with him for two and a half years and we had been living together for two. He was genuinely amazing in every way but something just wasn't there for me.

In the end I just broke down one night and said I'm so sorry but I just don't think I can do this anymore.

I would say to this man that you think he really is great but that you just feel that something isn't quite in place for you. I find it helps to say "I feel" as it sounds less accusatory.

HotNatured Mon 20-Feb-17 13:20:37

dontpushmybuttons thank you. I will use that phrasing ("I feel") and I will be as kind as possible. As kind as I can be while rejecting someone who seemingly adores me.

The thought of saying it fills me with utter dread sad

user1485984489 Mon 20-Feb-17 13:44:14

Be honest and respectful and I'm sure it will be fine. As you said, he deserves dignity and respect and it sounds as though are doing everything you can to give him that. I know it's a daunting and horrible thing to do, but am sure he would much prefer you being honest with him now, rather than having some kind of half-hearted longer term relationship. There is no point wasting his time (or yours). Good luck, hope all goes as well as it can. You sound like a decent and considerate person.

HotNatured Mon 20-Feb-17 14:05:55

user1485984489 thank you, that's good advice actually, I've been in those kind of lame relationships before, sometimes its been the guy who hasn't been as into me as I him, and I wish they'd had the respect to just tell me early on, so that I didn't develop feelings, to let something limp on is such a waste of everyone's time.

I just wish there was a pain free way of doing it

LesisMiserable Mon 20-Feb-17 14:21:34

You should see him face to face, if only because it's the right thing to do and according to these boards what men should do instead of ghosting/fading away/shooting off a text.

Yes its bloody awkward, but it's also completely right. Maybe you should phone him and say it over the phone. Platitudes of how great he is won't really help him, nor will the its not you its me line. It's probs best just to say it's not really grown the way you expected, nobody at fault, just one of those things. Wish him well. Say you'll keep in touch if he wants to, as mates (if you want to).

sonjadog Mon 20-Feb-17 14:28:15

It is a horrible thing to have to do. I think it is best to be very clear about it. Yes, it will hurt, but better it hurts a lot for a short while than you give a mixed message and he carries on hoping for a long while. Think of the ripping off a plaster scenario. You dread it, it hurts little hell, but then it is over and done.

HotNatured Mon 20-Feb-17 14:29:37

LesisMiserable thanks. I'm definitely doing it face to face. I would love to be friends with him but I don't think he's the type to want to stay friends. That feels really sad too as I really like him as a person, he's amazing, the thought of him not being a part of my life in some way is horrible. I just don't want to be with him romantically any more sad

HotNatured Mon 20-Feb-17 14:33:18

sonjadog thank you. He has absolutely no idea how I feel so it's the shock I think that will hit him the hardest.

I was ghosted once after three months and it really hit me hard. It was the lack of respect that hit me the hardest tho, not the rejection, that I didn't even matter enough to warrant the kindness of a text or a conversation.

That's why I want to do this right.

ShatnersWig Mon 20-Feb-17 14:38:18

Put it the other way round. You're amazing and you're really keen on this guy you've been seeing for a few months but he wants to end it. How would you want him to tell you?

Then do just that.

But I do agree it should be done in person and I think it's important not to draw it out too much or do too much of the "I do think you're kind, generous, lovely" stuff - because the response to that is always "so why dump me". It's basically "it's just not developing into deeper feelings which it should by now".

HotNatured Mon 20-Feb-17 17:26:29

ShatnersWig thanks. "it's just not developing into deeper feelings which it should by now" is spot on and I will say that, as this is accurate.

pinboard Mon 20-Feb-17 17:34:09

Having just been ghosted by someone I knew and loved both 25 years ago and again last year, I have to say I am glad you are doing this face to face.

It's never easy but I think the 'its not developing into the deeper feelings relationship which we both deserve' is honest, accurate and respectful.
You can say that you feel you both need the chance to look for someone in the future that you DO feel that way about so staying together would be wrong, perhaps?

And be kind and firm if he tries to talk you round.
I am sorry you were ghosted too. It's incredibly painful.
This way, you have left your ex with some pain, but not a lack of respect too. Good for you. x

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