I feel like I've wasted my life

[murrgirl]

I feel utterly trapped and not sure what to do.
My husband and I met at university and have been together nearly 18 years. I had only 1 other relationship prior to us getting together and at first I liked the way he took control over situations and made me feel secure. This soon turned into an aggressive and domineering nature. He has a nasty temper and after several physical fights with my then male housemates- my friends gave me the ultimatum (us or him) and I chose him.
Fast forward to now and we have 3 young children (6, 4 and 1) and I am desperately unhappy. He is verbally abusive to him and belittles me and puts me down. He calls me an idiot and makes comments about how I need to lose weight. Although he has never hit me, he has at times pushed me or wrestled me to the floor. We haven't been intimate since we conceived our son who is now 1. I feel like there is no care or love left.

I am stressed due to work pressures and do all the school and nursery pick ups and drop offs and bed time routine on my own. When I talk about this, he says I have no right to feel stressed because this routine is 'not stressful' . I am constantly ill and run down and feel empty inside. It depresses me this is my life and I see no way out. How can I split up these children's home?

[category12]

You're in an abusive relationship.

That means that actually your dc would benefit from being removed from the situation, because their expectations of relationships are being shaped by what they grow up with.

Please talk to women's aid or someone and start making plans to get yourself free.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Was wondering why you chose him over your flatmates. He had a real hold over you back then as well didn't he. You were targeted by him and unfortunately you did not recognise the red flags regarding him.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. That is also something that needs your consideration at some point because that has likely played a role here too. However, your main priorities at this time should be and remain your children and you.

The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE.

Your children are growing up in a household where there is verbal abuse present as well as previous physical abuse. They hear this (sound travels) and certainly see a lot of the non verbal reactions. This is not the type of environment they should be growing up in. They're basically also living in what is akin to a warzone and its not their fault their dad has decided to embark on his own private war against you. They hear and see far more than you perhaps realise; particularly your eldest child.

You are not powerless here although you think you are; there is always a way out and you can and should divorce him. He has done a real number on you over many years to the point where you are at now but its still not too late to leave him. Coercive control like he is showing you is illegal.

Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 can and will also help you make plans to leave safely. Do call them. This is not the life you have to lead now and your children won't say thanks mum to you if you were to stay.

[Hutch2017]

Hi there, so sorry to hear this. I'm in a similar situation although my partner doesn't sound quite as abusive as yours.

What's actually stopping you leaving? Is it money? Do you have nowhere to go?

I have stayed with my partner for the children up until now because I was worried of the effect it would have on them. However, I'm slowly realising now that they would be better off if we didn't live together. Unfortunately I have the added problem of being tied into a new house we've just bought so isn't as easy as just leaving!

If you haven't already, you will eventually reach a point where you just can't go on. Living like this takes it toll on you over time. I think I'm reaching that point now. You know deep down he's not going to change and your life won't change unless you do something.

I hope we both find the courage to do something about it!

[Hutch2017]

Oh and because you do all of the school and nursery drop offs and bedtimes on your own, what do you even need him for??? Sounds like you'd cope just fine without him.

[murrgirl]

Thanks for your responses.
Attila- I was very much in love with him at the start which is why I chose him above my flat mates. It wasn't just flat mates though, i lost virtually all my close friends at university which affected me deeply and made my very reliant on him.
Hutch- I think breaking up my children's home life and money is stopping me leaving. My salary pretty much pays the children's nursery fees and I haven't much left afterwards. My husband pays the mortgage and all the other bills. I don't know how I could afford anything on my own.

Before we had children he had a very loving side to him as well which is why I would put up with the rest. But now I feel he has a very low opinion of me, there is no physical affection (cuddles or kisses) at all. I have such low self esteem and opinion of myself, I'm not sure I deserve any thing else. I am so jealous of people in a loving relationship.

[IonaNE]

I am so jealous of people in a loving relationship
OP, the relationships that are loving after a longer time and children are ones that don't start out by either party being controlling and the other losing/being isolated from all other friends.

I am sorry you're in an abusive relationship. You need to get yourself and the children away from this man. Contact Women's Aid and check the entitledto website to see what you would get as a single parent.

[category12]

Look at the tax credit calculators online and see what help you would get as a lone parent.

You do realise that if you have very little money of your own while he is OK for money, it rather suggests he is financially abusive as well as verbally and physically?

[jouu]

Staying in the relationship means you're teaching your children that the only kind of relationship that makes sense is one where they abuse their partner, or where their partner abuses them.

You're worrying about splitting up their home... When in fact, by NOT splitting up the home, you're quite literally guaranteeing them all lives of misery and loneliness.

Please get out. Get to CAB to see what you'd be entitled to. It's better to raise a child on the street than in a home where they see their mother treated like this. Please please please you must be strong and make a plan to leave, while they're still little enough to hopefully learn a different way to live x

[murrgirl]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I'll have a look at the tax credits. I'm worried about the logistics of it all. I am pretty much certain he will refuse to leave the house and I can't leave the children. I don't know if I have the strength to do it.

[geordiedench]

Hi,

I'm sorry if this is going to sound trite, but please start by treating yourself with total respect. Raise your self-esteem. You have nothing at all to lose by being good to yourself and developing your confidence. Whatever you decide to do, start by doing this. There are loads of free online blogs and videos, meditations, mood gyms and life hacks that will help you make a start on this. You'll want to be in a strong, determined frame of mind if you do leave or kick him out.

[sotiredbutworthit]

What would you tell your child to do in this situation? It's not a healthy environment for your kids to be in, get them out of it. No man should speak to his partner like that. You are worth more sweetheart. Good luck. Xxxxxxx

[category12]

Pushing and wrestling you down to the floor is abusive. Belittling you is emotionally abusive. These things aren't legal. You could potentially go to the authorities. You can talk to women's aid. They will be able to advise you on your best course of action.

You're married so eventually should be entitled to half the marital assets. You will be able to chase him for child support.

Keep safe, make plans, you can get out with the dc.

[Grannyben]

I waited until my children had left school before I left my husband, it was the worst mistake I have ever made! All I did was waste years of my life. Your husband is abusing you, soon your children will be aware. Have you got a parent, relative or close friend who you can confide in and help support you. Please put yourself and your children first, I know you might think you haven't got the strength but take it one day at a time, one hour at a time xx

[Hutch2017]

I totally understand where you're coming from. Its so easy for others to tell you to leave but not so easy when you're actually in the situation. Of course I'm sure you already know that you would be better off away from him. Its not always as black and white as people make out though. I know this from my own experience.

I also know I would be happier and my children would be happier (eventually) if I split with my partner but, its just not as simple as that. Other things beyond your control can make things very difficult. If I left my partner I literally would not be able to put a roof over my kids heads.

I think you need to get some advice - financially and perhaps from women's aid. Make a plan.

[Cricrichan]

That is no life and by staying together, all you're teaching your children is that this is a normal and acceptable relationship. They'll either go on to replicate it or end up with a lot of issues. You'd be surprised at how much you're entitled to and even if it means living a more frugal life it's infinitely worth it .

[meyourelookingfor]

Take your time. You do have the strength to do this. You can get all your ducks in a row, get advice, find out about finances etc.

Once you start the practical steps you will gain strength from the knowledge that it will be okay.

We are here for such a short time. Give yourself a chance to be happy.