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Struggling after affair

(53 Posts)
ghostwatch Mon 20-Feb-17 12:06:16

How do people get over affairs ? I've been struggling with partner having affair from 2 years ago (which I found out about 1 year ago). It feels like I dealt with it much better when it had just happened and over time I'm just feeling more and more betrayed and insecure. I'm thinking of not staying in relationship now. Not because I don't want to be in it but because I want the nightmares to stop. Literally.

user1479305498 Mon 20-Feb-17 12:20:18

I know how you feel. I found out about a big EA with DH from 11 years ago only a few months ago and am so pissed off its untrue. When someone was basically puring their heart out and saying they wanted to escape, it kind of makes me feel last 11 years were a bit of a lie. Still very undecided even though he says "it was all in his head and one sided" at a bad point in life. Problem is it consumes all your thoughts. I have had IC and its helped me see it wasnt really about me , however it hasnt really made me feel better about whether I can forgive or forget, although I do know that leaving doesnt get rid of that either. As the IC told me, even if you leave, those aspects follow you, except you have more space to get over it without having to have them sat there every day.

ghostwatch Mon 20-Feb-17 12:26:05

Thank you for the reply. Yes I can see it would follow me into a new relationship your completely right about that. At this moment I think all
men are untrustworthy as unfair and irrational as it sounds I believe it. I've had counselling and CBT which worked at the time of having it and I couldn't recommend it more but perhaps I need more ? I'm on tablets from doctors which I tried to complete stop taking a week ago. I feel triggered by him. Clearly I need to go back to doctors and have a chat. Life shouldn't be so miserable

Mk4 Mon 20-Feb-17 12:28:52

Can't offer much advice as I am only 7 months in from finding out and I decided to stay. I do think about walking away a lot though but I've got 2 small kids and he's doing all the right things like going to counselling and comforting me when I'm upset.

I can't begin to imagine what it would be like to find out 2 years later or god forbid User 11!!! It was bad enough finding out as it was going on.

Someone with more wisdom than me will be along soon I'm sure as each day is a struggle for me.

IrianOfW Mon 20-Feb-17 12:34:44

What is your partner doing ? He needs to be showing remorse and doing what he can to make you feel secure. Have you considered going to see a counsellor. I found it helped a lot to have a place where I could talk about MY feelings and reactions to what he had done.

IME it did get worse after about a year - the first reaction is shock and fear and then short-term relief that the A is over and we could get back to normal <bitter laugh>. I got a bit complacent i admit - then the utter rage kicked in at about 3 months (took me a long time as I am by nature a calm and private person). After the initial storm subsided a little it just felt like we had gone back to the usual stuff but with added resentment and insecurity and frequent mini-hurricanes of anger on my part. That was when MC helped - got to the root of what was off kilter in our marriage - nothing new I guess as none of it was a surprise but it helped to clarify and get it out in the open. Then just keeping on keeping on, being kind to each other, putting each other first, being thoughtful.The hurricanes subsided slowly and got less frequent. We began to talk to each other as adults and friends as well as spouses. It still took about 4.5 years to get to where we are now and that is good place. A really good place.

Nothing, NOTHING will help however if he isn't on board, prepared to own his mess and is not rug-sweeping like a good 'un. He needs to get out of his comfort zone and acknowledge his failings.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 20-Feb-17 12:55:26

Do you have DC together?
I couldn't get over it.
I knew I never would.
I'd never look at him the same way again.
I didn't believe anyone in the world would be able to hurt me as much as he did.
So I had to end it.
1 DC who was 11 at the time.
Best decision I ever made.

I always have such respect for women/men who stay to try to make it work.
IMO it's the much harder road to take and takes a lot more work.

You don't have to 'keep trying'
If you don't want to stay then don't.
If you do, then maybe more counselling for you would help?

user1479305498 Mon 20-Feb-17 14:10:48

Its interesting hellsbellsmelons what you say, I sometimes think it may be easier if you have a partner who has always been a bit of a rogue , my husband is the last person I would have thought to do this. We had a pretty codependent and trusting relationship and I basically let him toddle off around the world sharing rooms too with our assistants for work (it was a money thing ). I think this was the only one he had "the hots for" noone else has ever said anything and I did see a couple of texts I didnt like at the time , but he said it was just friends--you know the usual. Now in his head--it still is. The fact he says "it was just a crush in his head at a bad time in life " that he then chose to write down all his longing to be with them stuff and record songs about this too - to him this was "a funny 5 minutes (even though I think it was over a year) He really doesnt want to discuss it, he listened to me, he understands he says how I feel, and is now acting like disney dad (minus the kids) but to him the fact it went no further (so he says) and that he stayed should be enough for me to move on mentally. I partly think it depends what kind of relationship you had/have. If they were kind of "your everything" its very very hard. I would never ever make that mistake again.

ghostwatch Mon 20-Feb-17 14:42:58

Thanks for the replays everyone. We don't have DC together. My youngest dd he has bought up since age 3 we together 4 years before those happened separated for 1 year during the whole time he was with other woman and I had no clue. We were still seeing each other he was still pursuing us and never really let me go. In the end the OW sent me a poke on Facebook which I found odd and asked him about. He denied it. Then she sent a full stop. Her photo was him and her together. I was distraught. She told me the had been together 16 months and we had been separated for 12 you see so that's how I found out. She went on show me photos of them in Paris and told me how he had took her to all the special places that I had with him. After this he dumped her and begged for a chance. I have him the chance because suddenly all I wanted to do was get him away from her. Then he did the unthinkable and went on a pre arranged trip to New York with her. He had booked a while back and didn't want to upset her. Whilst there he FaceTimed me convinced me he was all alone. Got back and wanted to start our new life together and then "bang" she sends me a photo of herself in the restaurant in New York that I had been to with him. That was my worst moment. I can't describe how badly its effected me.

I want therapy together he agreed but had made no mention or action it's just me. He doesn't want to talk about it because it makes him feel bad. Where I want awnsers ? I asked him to get rid of social media as this is how it started. She was an old school friend he contacted her on Facebook or she did him. I got rid of all my social media and then he didn't. His eldest dd who is 24 and his youngest dd 13 still see OW spend nights round her house and she keeps visiting his mums house. I don't want her around I feel so threatened. Most of his family don't like me. Just before I chucked him out we was on a family holiday in Florida. I didn't know it but he was finding every opportunity to go and face time OW. He was being so cruel to me that holiday that I came across rude and quiet to everyone but they didn't know what was going on and neither did I. They just thought I was bloody rude ignoring them. Well I probably was quiet but I knew things were not right and I was so unhappy it was our first trip as a family and of a life time and he Ruined it.

I don't know if anyone will read all this. I'm sorry. I feel like a shit mum and a weak woman. I'm humiliated and unable to function. I want everything to stop.

xStefx Mon 20-Feb-17 14:49:05

Please don't have DC with this man. He is going to let you down over and over again. He doesn't seem sorry at all and think about it , is this the kind of relationship you want if you want a family someday? It will be easier to get rid of him now than it would be further down the line.

ghostwatch Mon 20-Feb-17 14:53:02

Last night he said I'm really unwell and I need help. I'm impatient with the kids and I feel I want to sleep all the time and just ache all over. I keep trying to take all the right victims and eat all the good foods and drink enough water and refer to my CBT hand outs and a app that I have. I've just been to the Drs and couldn't get and appointment I have to try wed morning even though o told them I'm completely out of antidepressants. I'm forgetting everything and every task seems like a mountain. My house is a wreck. I hope someone is listening that's all I can say

ghostwatch Mon 20-Feb-17 14:56:30

Yes XstefX there is no way I will. Originally I wanted kids with him but he is approaching 50 and doesn't want anymore. I'm 38 on Saturday. I'm still depressed from receiving nothing on Valentine's Day. I feel worthless. I don't want any more children now I feel like he has took that from me. I look forward to a different stage in my life now.

user1479305498 Mon 20-Feb-17 15:01:22

I totally understand. My mind is all over the place too and I have our business to run!! In my case, its not an ongoing "thing" however he has maintained contact over many years on FB (all very matter of fact stuff--ive seen the messages) however this was before I found out about his stuff from 11 years ago and twice on my birthday in December he sent FB messages asking if she was around over the xmas period to meet up. As you say, its all incredibly hurful and does make you wonder if its easier to just say "sod off"

Peanutbutterrules Mon 20-Feb-17 15:05:09

Hey...I'm sorry you're having such a horrid time. Your DH has lied multiple times to you and betrayed your trust. I'm not sure with that background there is a way forward with him. I know I couldn't forgive or forget the lies.

I think you will be much happier on your own. The New York trip is an absolute killer for me. You need a calm home where you can repair. He doesn't sound sorry at all. Hugs.

Dontsayyouloveme Mon 20-Feb-17 15:16:29

I found out about my husbands two month affair start of Feb 2016. He confessed. He said it wasn't about her, he didn't even like her, he was ill and needed an escape and it was easy.... by all accounts. He then had a nervous breakdown. For my son's sake I tried for a year. This January I've called it a day. I don't need this hanging over me for the rest of my like. The lies, the deceit, the physical intimacy.. I deserve better and so does my son. I feel a huge weight has lifted now I've made my decision. I hope you can find some peace one way or another. It's truly truly awful.. flowers wouldn't wish it on anyone..... except the OW!

xStefx Mon 20-Feb-17 15:17:11

Ghost - my friend just got out of a bad relationship. This is what he did to her:

Stayed at an ex girlfriends house- she in return kept checking his fone
Outcome = He accused her of being paranoid and said he felt trapped

He hit her - She then started flinching when he shouted
Outcome = he said she always made him out to be a bad person

When they finished he told her he was leaving because she was needy, paranoid and weak = These were actually responses from his actions

She now feels like a weight has been lifted, the paranoia, neediness and weakness went out the door the day he left

do you understand what im saying? xx

user1479305498 Mon 20-Feb-17 15:34:50

"he was ill and needed an escape "

I got this too-- what he said was "it was a bad point, mum dying, business with issues-- he needed an escape!!

Dont we all!!! It was hardly a bundle of laughs for me too.

AnyFucker Mon 20-Feb-17 15:37:36

You can make this stop, love. It is totally within your power to do so.

Dontsayyouloveme Mon 20-Feb-17 15:53:36

User - tell me about it! I was at the depths of my depression in the months he had his affair!! I said 'YOU were ill?? Glad you had the energy to go fuck someone else, it took all my resolve and energy to get out of bed and get our son to school in those months, but you wouldn't have noticed cos you had your dick in someone else at the time'!!! grinangry

AngryYeti Mon 20-Feb-17 15:54:28

I could never, ever , forgive or get over an affair. Have been together a very, very long time and it would just completely break me but forgive? No way

IrianOfW Mon 20-Feb-17 15:59:36

I used the R word in my post - 'remorse'. I don;t see it in any of the things you have written about him. He has done a number on you - you can't get over it and heal without knowing the facts - no wonder you are in such a state.

I think he is a shit and needs to be given the heave ho.

IrianOfW Mon 20-Feb-17 16:00:48

Ha! Don't - same here. The minute love's middle-aged dream was coming into bud, I was contemplating suicide.

ghostwatch Mon 20-Feb-17 16:21:00

I'm very grateful for the responses. I know it has to stop. I've felt huge shame from family and friends for taking him back this last year and he hasn't deserved it. He has been remorseful with words but there has been no actions to back it up. Apart from chucking money at me. However when we was properly living together he never paid towards any bills or rent so it was all my wages covered everything and I was left with nothing and then his money was used for holidays and days out etc... because of that he always decided where we would go and if I disagreed he would ignore me for days. He also never did anything in terms of housework or cooking it was all down to me and j do work nights and another job now on top of that. It was all so unfair. If I complained I was called a nag. In fact the reason he said he went to her was because I did t put dinners on the table every night and if I did it wasn't with a smile on my face. Apparently she has no problem doing everything for him ? I don't understand why he didn't just leave me for her and tell me about it ? If I'm so horrible and naggy and not woman enough ? Well rant over. I'm sure I'm no fun to live with sometimes and have my faults too. By the way we are not married and I never let him move back in so he sleeps on his mums sofa - or does he ? I was going to let him move back in around Easter time. I'm not so sure now.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 20-Feb-17 16:29:49

No don't.
Your last update means you should never ever take him back.
Financially abusive, emotionally abusive (look up stonewalling abuse), gaslighting.
Honestly. He sounds like an absolute dick-head.
Ditch him now and you'll be so much better off.

Dontsayyouloveme Mon 20-Feb-17 16:34:44

Irian - incredible creatures sometimes aren't they.. mine couldn't handle either his emotions (his mum died) or y emotions (my brother died) (both in 2013 within two months of each other) so they think they'll just help matters along by having an affair!!! I'm done with a manchild.... tackle the shit that life throws you.... don't add to it....!!

Christinayangstwistedsista Mon 20-Feb-17 16:45:48

It would appear you are the OW, you just don't know it

Please leave this man

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