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Don't know what to do about ex h

(46 Posts)
Tingatingatale Mon 20-Feb-17 10:06:36

I am at my wits end with my exh. Brief history - Unhappy in marriage for a good few years. ExH spoke to me like crap, made me feel like crap, usually in front of the kids. Completely loveless and sexless relationship. We had separate rooms for last few years. We were together for 20+ years. I grieved for relationship two years ago and tried to leave then but was not brave enough to do it. He would never leave the house and I had nowhere for me and the children to go. Anyway early last year I told him again I was leaving after a disastrous family holiday where i was treated awfully. I fell over and he laughed at me and wouldn't help me up and laughed at me in front of the children. Spoke to me badly where my son actually begged me to do something about it.

He talked me out of leaving again. Told me I wouldn't cope on my own etc. A month later after a crazy move I started talking to someone online. I then made the decision to do it, rented a house with my children and left. This was 11 months ago. I have supported myself and my children and ex h has them 40% of the time. I am still with the man I was talking to online. We took it very slowly and he now has a very good relationship with my children which has started recently. My children come before everything.

Me and exh have an awful relationship nearly a year on and it has taken its toll. He didn't see it coming. I don't think he ever thought I would leave. Time and time again the children come home saying I have upset their dad and my eldest used to say he wished I was dead. They know their dad hates me. They are not allowed to even mention my name in his house and my youngest is only 5. Everytime I get my children happy again after spending time with me then something will happen and they will see their dad and come back with a head full of confusion. They are going away this week with him and my youngest is upset because in his head its his dads fault because if he wasn't mean I would be going. In my eldest eyes it’s my fault for being a quitter and I should be able to take it. What do I do with that? Every bit of happiness I get backfires on me and I feel like I take 2 steps forward and ten steps back as if exH finds out he reacts which effects the children. He still talks to me like crap and makes Demands. He will talk to me like shit in front of the children. I am still scared of him. He will have no contact with me if he can help it and I feel so stressed by it all. The kids aren't allowed to ring me. I am allowed to speak to them twice this week by arrangement but that is unusual.

I have put off divorcing because he will not accept blame and I don't want to cause anymore upset. I don't even claim maintenance.

What do I do please?

Chloe84 Mon 20-Feb-17 11:52:47

Sorry, OP, sounds awful flowers

How is he contacting you? You need to stop engaging with him. Don't allow him the opportunity to abuse you verbally. Don't answer his calls, only communicate by text, don't let him bring kids to the front door, etc.

Why does he them for 40% of the time? I would look to reducing his contact due to the emotional harm he is causing your DC. Do you have a solicitor?

Prawnofthepatriarchy Mon 20-Feb-17 12:05:55

Just read your post, OP. I have no practical advice to offer but didn't want to read and run. It's MN. I'm sure someone who knows what they're talking about will be along soon.

It sounds awful. You have my sympathy. flowers

Jenniferb21 Mon 20-Feb-17 12:13:52

Sorry you're going through this what a horrible person. What he doesn't realise is he's raising little men and his treatment of you will shape how they see and treat women. Thank goodness you're a positive role model for them.

I have a legal background and would suggest you see either free legal advice from your local
Citizens advice bureau or if you can seek advice from a solicitor (Irwin Mitchell are excellent for these types of cases and are a national firm)

I would seek a divorce and with that you can agree custody and a contact agreement etc. the course of action will depend on the outcome you desire but I would definitely be seeking legal advice things aren't going to get better whilst you're legally married and don't have anything officially organised. If things are bad enough you can look into injunctions/
Various orders that will allow contact when it isn't arranged or supervised with Ex H and DC but will restrict or prohibit contact with EX H and yourself.

Wishing you the best of luck x

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Mon 20-Feb-17 12:18:15

You need this to go to court. .judges don't take kindly to the blatant abuse of a parent to dc. Good luck. .

Tingatingatale Mon 20-Feb-17 12:28:23

Thank you all. I do have a Solicitor and he has had a letter sent to him previously warning him about speaking badly about me to the children. He said he was having them three days a week when we split. My eldest loves the time with his dad but my youngest is starting to want to stay with me and can't spend more than one night away from me.

My solicitor has said to me he is worried I am being pressured not to file for divorce etc and there is also some financial concerns. I will restrict access if this continues. I won't let my children be messed up by him.

It is hard on my exh. He has to get used to having another man in his kids life's. We are moving into the same house soon. We have my partners children's on the weekends and all the children get on brilliantly. My exh hates that. My kids get on wonderfully with my partner. My exh hates that. I get it. It must be so hard. But I am happy. My children are happy. They are settled. There are no rows. They are sleeping better, they have loads of time with me. The only thing that makes them unhappy is seeing their dad unhappy

user1468312467 Mon 20-Feb-17 12:39:04

Council for the Other Side here...

You had an affair and left your husband for OM, introduced him within six months or so and are moving in within a year. Not three months ago you were posting about how unhappy your DCs were with your new partner, and now a move in is in the cards.

Your STBXH and your DCs have had to cope with a lot. His behaviour sounds less than ideal, but I have some sympathy. Maybe take your foot off the accelerator for a bit?

Tingatingatale Mon 20-Feb-17 12:51:23

I have complete sympathy with exh. It can't be easy I have said that. The kids did struggle three months ago and as soon as we put the breaks on the children asked to see him again.

SteppingOnToes Mon 20-Feb-17 13:02:10

You will need to get your divorce finalised before moving in with your new partner or you could be hugely financially disadvantaged (not good if you then split). I think you are moving too quickly...

user1468312467 Mon 20-Feb-17 13:07:42

...that's not really putting the brakes on, especially now your planning to move in together. Forgetting the guilt, the moralizing and the sympathy and looking at this stone cold moving in now is an extremely risky course of action for you and your DC, never mind any sympathy for your devastated ex.

Why so keen to push forward with this? A year is a very short time in a relationship, and it's even shorter when your anniversary is a month before your separation.

Tingatingatale Mon 20-Feb-17 13:15:36

The financial side is all legally sorted. You don't know a situation until you are in it. My children are happy to move. They are happy with my partner. They are not happy with their dads reactions

Tingatingatale Mon 20-Feb-17 13:17:48

And as far as the anniversary - my marriage was over a long time before I finally left

user1468312467 Mon 20-Feb-17 13:27:52

For you. Not for your husband or children. Clearly you are unable to accept any responsibility for the current problems and it must all be your XH's 'reactions'.

Tingatingatale Mon 20-Feb-17 13:30:11

User14683.... I am more than capable of accepting responsibility of my own actions. Love the user name by the way. Did you come up with that yourself or is it a new one just to answer this post?

needalittleL Mon 20-Feb-17 13:38:53

Tinga, who is the user that is bothering you? Is it your EH?

MuseumOfCurry Mon 20-Feb-17 13:44:18

From a dispassionate point of view, it makes all the sense in the world for you to take a step back from your new boyfriend and sort through the fallout.

I can appreciate that this is probably not what you want.

Tingatingatale Mon 20-Feb-17 13:47:02

No its not. Just someone who has gone back and read back through my threads and think they know everything about the situation.

I have spoken to my children at length about the move. If there was a glint of them not wanting to do it I wouldn't. My Exh's reactions are justified, I appreciate that. What is not justified is him reacting in front of my children and him telling them that he hates me, that I am ruining him, that I am taking all his money (not even claiming maintenance) or that I am a quitter. I was miserable for years and was treated badly and was left a shadow of myself. Those actions were unjustified. My sons shouting at their father to stop shouting at me was unjustified.

MuseumOfCurry Mon 20-Feb-17 13:50:15

My Exh's reactions are justified, I appreciate that. What is not justified is him reacting in front of my children and him telling them that he hates me, that I am ruining him, that I am taking all his money (not even claiming maintenance) or that I am a quitter.

You're right, but it's what you've got.

Really sorry. Sounds very stressful.

Tingatingatale Mon 20-Feb-17 13:51:12

He is told me he won't let me be happy

InTheMoodForLove Mon 20-Feb-17 13:57:39

What's the rush to move in with your new man, OP?
Are you planning to have more children ?

ravenmum Mon 20-Feb-17 13:59:49

"...the usernames with all the numbers in are temporary ones given when someone joins the site using the app. Once their account has been verified, they're able to go in and assign themselves a proper username, but not everyone does this immediately, which is why you'll see a few username12345 ones knocking around from time to time."

InTheMoodForLove Mon 20-Feb-17 14:01:03

btw yes it does sound awful and you have endured a lot and have the right to be happy but I think you need to sort out the mess first (divorce, contact with xp etc) as PP suggested. You got good advice

Your new man should support you at this stage, not aggravate the situation (unintentionally)

Tingatingatale Mon 20-Feb-17 14:09:29

I need a bigger house, he needs to move. Its a natural progression which we both want. I have talked it through a lot with friends and family. It has not been a rash decision. No more children are planned, we have more than enough between us. I really do appreciate all the advice and I understand where you are all coming from but this time I won't be taking it, thank you though.

paap1975 Mon 20-Feb-17 14:14:19

Stand firm, get your divorce sorted. If he is intimidating you, keep track of things and make sure this is taken into account. Keep contact to minimum. Stay strong!

MuseumOfCurry Mon 20-Feb-17 14:15:37

OP that's not a good reason and you must surely know it.

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