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Left him now won't see kids

(32 Posts)
Fig678 Mon 20-Feb-17 09:43:17

Cutting a v long story short. Left H after 14 years. 7yr old ds and 9 month old dd.
Just before we found out I was pg, caught him texting a woman he met on night out. Msgs ended when she asked to meet up so obviously he got cold feet. A few days after found out I was pg, he was trying to make it up to me so decided to forgive and move on.
After this, treated me like shit the whole pg, very dismissive and cold, etc., angry with me for no reason, actually quite cruel, I was working full time, sorting childcare/school runs, paying majority of household expenses, etc.
Then told me that when the baby is born I'm not to bother him with the kids and he'll be there if he can but the responsibility lies with me. Secretive with his phone. Got his password and saw that he had msg'd 2 women on Facebook.
I thought fuck all that, I do everything anyway so baby was 8 weeks old I moved out with the kids.
Between me finding somewhere to live and now, he's constantly been saying he wants us back together, he's realising his mistakes (shit with money, only involved with us on his terms, etc.) but I'm not going back.
Problem is, he's not having the kids. We agreed on 2 overnights per week for eldest and 1 for baby while she's harder work but he hasn't done it. He'll take the eldest once per week but has never had the baby.
I am struggling. Baby is hard work, I haven't slept a full night since she was born, he keeps saying he will in future but it's too hard now. He's a selfish bastard - too hard for him but he's happy to let me do it day in day out.
I don't know why I'm posting, need to vent really. I go back to work in 2 weeks, full time and I somehow need to manage it all.
Childcare all sorted for me working, house is all up together and I'm pretty organised, but fuck, I am so worn out!
The only benefit is that at least I'm worn out but not having to deal with his bs on top of it, in the 8 weeks I was home with newborn he didn't lift a finger then either, slept in the other room because the baby was waking him up!
I'm so fed up. Don't have anyone local that can take the baby for a night. How have others got through it????

user1477054316 Mon 20-Feb-17 10:19:43

I'm so sorry your having such a difficult time. Relationship wise you are WELL RID of him, what a total loser he is!

These sleepless nights and exhaustion are no fun but you are strong enough to get through this. Your ex should be paying his way and seeing his children but it will be his loss if he's not bothering in the long run.

I found it a little bit easier in some ways going back to work, just a break from the house. You don't need that man, he deliberately treated you poorly and with such disrespect.

Thinking of you op.

user1477054316 Mon 20-Feb-17 10:21:29

Also I can compare slightly. I have 4 children and my husband works 70hrs a week. My youngest is 4mths and fully breastfed, refuses a bottle so all feeds are down to me. I don't have any parents either. I tell myself this tough stage is temporary (which it is) but hold on in there. If your children are fed, warm, clean and loved then your doing great! I hope you get some time for yourself soon too!

EightiethElement Mon 20-Feb-17 10:24:30

You can't make him be a good father.

Let him lick his imaginary wounds and focus on yourself and the dc now.

No advice. I found the first few years v hard. 90% of the time you just get on with it but sometimes when you feel knocked sideways by a tidal wave of frustration and tiredness and resentment or disappointment or loneliness you still have to keep going. It's really hard. I hope you get a break somehow. brew flowers

xStefx Mon 20-Feb-17 10:28:10

Op, no advise to give but wow you sound like a woman with her shit together. Hopefully DD will start to get easier for you soon. Good luck to you x

Fig678 Mon 20-Feb-17 15:04:08

Thanks **user, **eightieth and **stef, really appreciate the support. You're right re getting back to work for a break, I think once I'm in the swing of things it might feel like that.

It's frustrating at the moment because moving has wiped me out financially, so as well as no family, I have no money that I could justify using for a babysitter so that I can get a break. I have a few lovely and very close friends but they have their own kids so are happy to have the baby for a hour every now and then but a round trip to drop the baby off has taken longer than that the last couple of times they've done it! I won't leave her with anyone else who I wouldn't trust absolutely 100%.

H pisses me off with eldest as they were very close in a 'Disney Dad' sort of way and now he's happy to take him but always last minute and on his terms, like 'I've got a few free hours, I'll pick up eldest for the night' and if eldest wants to go I obviously agree, but other times I say no because it's 9:30 on a school night and I'm not getting him out of bed to sleep at H's - I then get told by H 'don't say I don't offer' angry

Stef** thanks for your comment...I don't feel like I have my shit together all the time but I definitely know that I won't be treated like that no matter how hard it is to leave. Your comment has made me feel a bit more empowered!

donners312 Mon 20-Feb-17 16:13:57

I am 18 months on from you (although my children are older) I have to do 100% of the childcare and earn all the money as no maintenance and everything else!! it is so unfair.
But my advise is to not think like that (although I frequently do). you have to let it go yes it is unfair but life isn't. You just depress yourself thinking about it that way.
you sound amazing and like you are doing an amazing job!! Im sure it will get better but for now just get through it!

Gingerbreadlass Mon 20-Feb-17 16:33:06

I'm so sorry for you, I'm just exhausted by reading your post! It brought all those sleepless nights and walking dead moments back shudders

I think you're doing amazingly well, you certainly are holding your life together very well, I know you must be exhausted but please don't waste your energy on someone you can't change.

Do you have family nearby? His family maybe? Friends, a kindly neighbour? Try the Sitters website and sleep at a friends? Could you express some milk and just steal a few hours of sleep?

Have you engaged a lawyer or mediator and set access days or times? Until they're written in stone you can't enforce anything.

Fig678 Mon 20-Feb-17 23:55:35

Thanks donners and gingerbread. Sorry you've had to deal with this too can never second guess how someone might treat you when they don't have a vested interest anymore can you.

Baby currently awake and fighting sleep. Neither family nearby unfortunately, and a couple of friends will have her for an hour or two but that's not really much help to me. A friend had her for just under 2 hours last week and it took me 1h30 to get back to pick her up in traffic so it was actually more stressful than it was worth!! I need H to step up so that I have regular breaks and kids get to spend time with him but I guess I can't make him. It's easier to deal with the hard stuff if you can countdown to a break isn't it. I just can't believe someone can be so bloody selfish and inconsiderate!

I've told him next step is legal and he's said that's ridiculous because he wants to see them (but not overnight and can't fix times!) so I'm pretty much on my own and just need to take each day at a time and wait for it to improve!

Thanks for the encouragement, I really appreciate it.

Fig678 Tue 21-Feb-17 00:04:46

And when I say friends will have her for an hour or two, I mean an hour or two maybe once every couple of months or something. They're great friends but have a lot going on with their own families so I can't really ask unless I'm desperate.
Baby sounds like she's almost asleep so going to try and do the same!

xStefx Tue 21-Feb-17 17:34:48

How are you doing op? Hope your ok xxx

PamDooveOrangeJoof Tue 21-Feb-17 17:46:27

Firstly you are doing amazingly! You sound so strong and in control so bloody well done. He was holding you back.

Basically fuck his 'nothing legal I can't fix times and will turn up when I fancy' bullshit.

Go legal route for maintenance and for contact. It's the only way. Good luck. This is the worst it will get when they are so small - it will get easier.
And second the 'breathing space' at work.
I was way more tired at home. Being in charge of a little one 24/7 is absolutely exhausting. Having to be 'on' all the time. I absolutely found work good to clear my head and keep me awake.

Zaphodsotherhead Tue 21-Feb-17 19:05:14

You sound utterly incredible, OP. I am in awe.

I left EAH when my youngest was two and my eldest nine. Had five kids, all under ten and XH went from 'I'm going for custody' to not seeing them at all for five years. Or paying any money.

It was tough. But I managed, and so will you. Don't rely on him for anything, just give him the 'yeah, whatever' when he says he will turn up, and be strictly logical when he pulls the late night 'I'll have the kids stunt.

You will be fine. Tired, but fine.

BlackeyedSusan Tue 21-Feb-17 20:42:31

cms for maintenance.

as for contact; email. he has to give x hours notice. (48?)
or that you are making them available for contact everyother weekend (or whatever) from x time to y time and to let you know 48 hours in advance otherwise you will make other arrangements.

write down all the times he has asked for access at inappropriate times. (eg 9.30 on a school night child in bed) so you can say when he claims that you are refusing access he was the unreasonable one not you.

43percentburnt Tue 21-Feb-17 20:59:43

Maintenance via CMS is often a good way to encourage overnights. It's amazing how many losers suddenly want 50/50...

See if money focuses his mind - call CMS at 9am tomorrow. Don't tell him - let the letter drop through his door.

Fig678 Tue 21-Feb-17 21:07:13

Thank you, sincerely, all of you. Both the tips and encouragement are just what I need right now and taking all onboard. Will go with the blase approach and not relying, while noting down contact times. I'm keeping emotion out of it as much as poss.

Zaphod, I do not know how you managed with 5!! I'm going to keep you in mind - knowing you managed - when it's really hard going!

Absolutely exhausted today and I have to work on Friday (KIT day - really don't want to but I could do with the extra cash at the end of the month) and trying to make half term fun for my eldest, although to be honest, I usually love the school hols and it's a slightly easier day not having to do the school run.

DS had an afternoon with a school friend today (childcare swap) so I laundered the bedding and treated myself to some flowers so that my room is more inviting come bedtime! Find it really hard to drift off to sleep and I've had a massive headache today so keeping everything crossed for the baby to sleep through so I can enjoy a decent nights sleep.

HeidiSpeidi Tue 21-Feb-17 21:17:08

Keep on keeping in fig

You're doing marvelously. I left awful ex when ds was 1. He's a man child basically, wants everything on a plate, takes no responsibility for anything etc etc etc.

It's taken me a while but I'm actually a million times happier on my own. I've obviously only got the one so it will be more difficult for you but can you imagine the alternative? Every time you think about the tiredness and the stress think about how shitty it would be still living with him and all the additional stress that brings.

I know it's shit that the buck stops with you with everything but actually it will have its positives and am sure as your little one gets older they'll be more apparent.

Don't ask anything of him, set ground rules in stone re:contact and don't engage in conversation with him. I promise this will help too flowers

SandyY2K Tue 21-Feb-17 21:56:14

Once you get divorced and have formal child, spousal maintenance and visitation set out, he may just have to step up. If not, you'll have some money from what he pays to have an occasional babysitter.

He's enjoying the informal arrangement for now, if you find out what money you'd be likely to receive, he may realise it's in his financial interest to play ball.

thethoughtfox Tue 21-Feb-17 22:06:09

Every late night and cuddle, you are strengthening the mother child bond between you and your little ones which is what they need. You will reap all the rewards of all the love and time you are putting in. flowers

TheaSaxby Tue 21-Feb-17 22:13:46

Wow. Just to add to the other posts saying well done.

My ex was useless when DS was tiny. In fact it was like having another child - I picked up after him, did all cooking, all nappies, all feeds blah blah blah. I used to fantasise about buying a house on the same street so he could just pop in occasionally.

I sort of got my wish when I found out he was cheating on me and left him.

I now have a lovely home with my son. I don't live my life feeling resentful about how much I am doing - I just get on with it. I'm tired and skint (he stopped financial support after a while) but I'm happier than ever.

Maybe when she is older your ex will have your youngest overnight. I hope so. I don't have anyone to take ds overnight but I get every other weekend days to myself to recharge.

Again, you're doing an awesome job.

Fig678 Wed 22-Feb-17 00:50:13

You are all so right re keeping things to the point and not engaging in anything else with him. Hearing your stories of how you've dealt with similar is really helping me to keep on ( Heidi 'keep on keeping on')

I hope so fox, thanks for that.

In terms of helping tiredness levels, what things would you recommend be prioritised vs. forgotten i.e housework, fully homemade meals etc. as I need to realise that it's ok to drop the ball a bit, especially when I'm back at work full time.
Usual things I do which feel doable are as follows (but sometimes I just really can't be arsed and wonder what should be prioritised):

-home usually clean/tidy (not in terms of doing everything everyday but usual routine is tidy away each night, dishes/sides/bathroom wiped over daily, vacuuming every few days, fooors/bathroom/polishing/laundry every weekend (inc bedding, all towels etc.)

- at least one day out with kids and one in at weekends. Feel v.guilty if we don't get out.

-meals at least 5 homemade each week (curries, shepherds/cottage pie, pasta etc. with veg) plus 1-2x p/w crap if I'm really tired/rushed (noodles, pizza etc.)

-just changed to school meals to save time although begrudge price as I could do packed lunches much cheaper.

-get food shop delivered once per week for first thing in morning (7am) so it's out of the way early

-ds at clubs/afterschool childcare 4x p/w so don't get home til 530pm hence a crappy tired meal or something I've batch cooked prev. Any ideas for really quick healthy(ish) meals if I haven't prepared?

-mostly using pouches of readymade baby food for lo which I also feel guilty about as with ds I cooked everything from scratch and portioned out to freeze. This lo is only having a few homemade meals p/w because I am just looking for an easy option (even though one batch cooking session would give me ample meals for her but I just can't muster up the energy!)

I realise it's the guilt that's hard - feeling like no matter what I do, I'm just not quite doing enough for the kids but also feeling like I literally have nothing else left in me!

Fig678 Wed 22-Feb-17 00:55:02

I know that I could save a fair amount not buying the baby food pouches (she has 2 per day plus snacks/milk but I literally cannot find it in me to start cooking and portioning up. She sometimes has some of our food before I've seasoned it but l like her fed earlier so that ds and I get time to eat together without baby needing me for anything.
Anyway, to try and sleep now..

Parker231 Wed 22-Feb-17 01:05:14

Fig - is he paying maintenance. The extra cash might help you feel better?

Rockingaround Wed 22-Feb-17 01:12:29

Hi OP, I'm a sham and you do way more than me! I have nothing to say other than I think you're handling everything on your plate amazingly and your DC's are so lucky to have you. For comparison my mother completely fell apart when my F left and we were almost teenagers, tbh I think she couldn't cope as she never really got it together (she's now a really fab nanna)
... I suppose my only advice is to not expect so much from yourself, be kind to yourself,
Ella's kitchen and rice cakes are what my kids were built on grin, days at home will soon be so much easier when you can get out in the garden, your baby will become more settled and your DS will see his father for who he really is. It's wonderful advice from pp about being blazè and just not depending on your ex, you can't rely on him and you honestly don't need to, you're doing all of this better without him and better than most my love flowersginwine

Rockingaround Wed 22-Feb-17 01:13:24

Haha sham mum that's about right, I obvs meant to say sahm x

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