IVF and wedding. Struggling to cope and don't know what to do

[whatthef30]

NC for this as I'm quite embarrassed by how I'm feeling.

Dp and I are due to get married in June. Just a small do of immediate family and friends.

We are also due to start IVF next month (both diagnosed with fertility issues last September. It has been the worst six months of my life)

I am currently seriously struggling to cope with it all. I thought getting married would give us something good to focus on in the midst of all the IVF bullshit, but it's actually doing the total opposite. I'm feeling even worse than I thought I would about the IVF and it's spilling over into the wedding. I'm not looking forward to it at all and just keep thinking about all the things that might go wrong/how stressful it will be.

People keep telling me what a happy time it must be for me, but truth be told I feel mildly suicidal. I suffer from depression/anxiety and my Gp weaned me off my ads about four months ago for ttc purposes. I'm really struggling without them.

Every morning I wake up and my first thought is "I don't have a baby. I might never have a baby" Then I just start worrying about the IVF/wedding and on it goes all day long.

Really feel like I want to postpone wedding, but not sure if I'm self sabotaging. I've had a lot of therapy that has uncovered that I don't feel entitled to all the things other people are. Perhaps I just feel I don't deserve to get married/have a baby?

Sitting on couch now not knowing how I'm going to face the day. I just feel so utterly shit

[NomNomTom]

Two things
A) if you're feeling suicidal (and by that I do mean the 'wouldn't it be good if a van knocked me off my bike and I died) you do need to go back to your GP and sort out a referral to specialist services that can sort out appropriate medication. GPs may have some tried and tested drugs that they fall back on but which aren't suitable for everyone, whereas a psychiatrist will have a broader range of options.
B) a very similar thing happened to me, and the pressure of everyone suggesting that 'you must be so happy now' was genuinely traumatic, and led to a further mental health crisis. In retrospect, I think my friends were too young and too keen for me to be well and happy - it was a friend's mother who offered most sage advice in this case.
Postpone the wedding if you want to - I can absolutely see why you would, and I think it's not a bad idea.

[Blackbirdonawire]

I totally understand. When dealing with infertility I too felt like it was all too much to cope with. Pretty much all of your coping mechanism are taken up with the infertility so you have nothing left to deal with every day stuff never mind stressful life events. Infertility changed me as a person and it was awful. I moved house and felt on the edge of a breakdown many times, little things and big things tipped me over the edge so that I had forgotten how to just function as a normal person. So many complex thoughts and feelings are involved, infertility is quite unique in that regard.

The good news is that these stressors are time limited. The wedding will be over in June, and regardless of the IVF that is a wonderful happy event. Congratulations!

The IVF is also time limited. 4-6 weeks from starting you will have an outcome and even if it does not work it is a relief of sorts to have that uncertainty removed and you can look towards the next thing. It's the 'hanging over you' part that is hard.

I suppose (although it's very little comfort i realise this) it might be helpful to remind yourself of the positives when you can. Some people dream of getting married to someone they love. Some people will never be eligible for or afford ivf. I told myself this when we were arranging moving house, working and doing ivf and I was incredibly stressed - some people will never own their own home, we're so lucky! Allow yourself to feel sad, angry and stressed for a few moments and then don't allow those thoughts in for the rest of the day.

Wishing you lots of luck and a very happy married life

[user1471531877]

You shouldn't stop the antidepressant - ask for a quick referral to the local perinatal mental health team to guide the GP further .

[Chamonix1]

I'm not sure I'll be much help OP but wanted to say you are of course entitled to happiness, just like everyone else.
If you want to prospone your wedding you can of course do that.
Are you having any counselling now? It would be a very good idea.
Is there no medication you can have whilst TTC? It's definitely worth a trip to the Dr's.
If it's any constellation I had a lovely wedding day but absolutely hated the run up to the wedding, it was the worst year of my LIFE. Rest assured you're not alone in not enjoying the planning process. Is your wedding day the way you really want it to be?
I found when I stopped worrying about the smallest things and just organised the very basics of the wedding it became a lot less stressful, my wedding day was a logistical nightmare and had lots of opportunity to go wrong due to timing and relying on very scatty unreliable people, still everything went just fine.
Could you try focusing on 1 thing at a time, which right now is more important the wedding or the IVF if i were you I'd do 1 thing at a time as it's a lot of emotional pressure.
Try and be kind to yourself OP

[whatthef30]

Thank you for the kind replies everyone.

Nomnomtom. I'm probably not genuinely suicidal, but I am slipping back into my "I am a failure" way of thinking. I always know my depression is getting bad again when that happens. Plus I'm sleeping really badly, so brain isn't working too well due to exhaustion.

Oh God yeah, people telling me I must be so happy just makes me want to punch them. Then I feel guilty for not feeling happy like they say.

Blackbirdonawire. You have summed it up so well. I feel like I've changed into a person I don't even recognise anymore. I used to be quite sociable, outgoing etc and now I just want to hide away at home. My wedding is the one I wanted, but I also feel quite depressed about the fact my dp has very few family or friends to invite. He doesn't have many of either and it makes us pretty isolated when my own family live hundreds of miles away. I've said I want to cancel and elope quite a few times now, but not sure if I wouldn't regret cheating myself out of a "proper" wedding iyswim?

I'm going to make another appointment with my Gp I think. I was getting very good therapy up until recently, but my working days changed and I could no longer fit the therapy around it. I think I will refer myself back though.

I know I should concentrate on one thing at a time, but it's really hard. Especially given that nearly all the wedding planning is down to me

[whatthef30]

Chamonix. One of my bridesmaids told me that no bride enjoys her wedding planning! Don't know how true that is?

It's so stressful isn't it? Dp's parents are divorced and hate each other and my oldest friend has a partner who swears constantly and acts really inappropriately. I literally have no idea how having them all at my genteel, well mannered wedding is going to work out!!!!

[belle40]

Hi OP. I don't have any experience with IVF but I was on AD and under the care of a psychiatrist for the duration (and following) my pregnancy. I was successfully weaned off at 6 months post birth. Please do find a psych to support you and give expert advice during your IVF. As for the wedding, I would postpone it and just focus on the IVF. Good luck with your treatment

[whatthef30]

Thanks Belle.

I've never had a psychiatrist referrel, even though I've been on and off AD's for most of my adult life. Do you just ask your GP for one?

[whatthef30]

I've always just been given AD's and sent for (rubbish) NHS counselling. The therapist I was seeing until recently was through a low fee organisation I found myself.

[Craftyoldhen]

I'm a firm believer in self-care, and part of that includes only taking on what you have the capacity to cope with. In your case you feel like you can't cope with IVF and a wedding at the same time, so it would be an excellent idea to postpone one - whichever you feel is the least important. That isn't self sabotage at all, its looking after yourself and being very sensible

[whatthef30]

It would have to be the wedding Craftyoldhen.

I'm too old to postpone the IVF. Plus I have low egg reserve so every month is crucial really.

I just feel like a fool. I thought getting married would be something nice to focus on and now I'm dreading it. Dp will be gutted if we postpone. He really wants to get married. Then again he's not organising the bloody thing!

[whatthef30]

See I feel like it IS self sabotage. Like I'm looking for problems to spoil my own happiness?

[whatthef30]

But everything is so up in the air. For example we can't even book a honeymoon because we will need the money for more ivf treatment if this one fails.

[Venusflytwat]

There are lots of anti depressants licensed for use in fertility treatments/pregnancy. Please go back to your GP, or try another one- you deserve not to have to struggle on like this x

[whatthef30]

I will go back to my Gp. I will make an appointment today. I was on ecitalopram before and it was a godsend.

I always end up right back here when I come off AD's I wish it wasn't the case.

[Londonjam]

I really feel for you. We're also struggling to conceive (cycle 15 now). I know how it takes over your life. We are also in the midst of buying our first home - which has been quite overshadowed by TTC sadness and stress.

My advice would be to talk to your gp honestly about how you are feeling. There are ADs you can take when you are pregnant. You shouldn't just have to suffer like this.

I would also be inclined to say don't postpone your wedding. Rather channel your energy and positivity into it. Don't worry about the honeymoon - that can be postponed. You can do IVF and get married. Get people to help so you don't get overwhelmed. Can you confide in a close friend and a family member and say look we're having IVF, I'm really struggling please can you help me plan the wedding? Can your DP do more organising?

Ultimately if you don't feel you can or want to handle both I would have a really honest and open conversation with your DP and think about postponing it, or scaling it down to something more manageable.

Good luck, and try out the conception or infertility boards - there is lots of friendly support there.

[belle40]

Hi whatthef30

I made a private enquiry to a psych I found in my area. I was in a bit of a state following my divorce and became pregnant several months later. She was a specialist in MH issues during pregnancy and was fantastic. I don't know what area of the country you're in but I'm happy to send her details to you by PM if useful?

[frostyfingers]

Is there any way you could have a quiet registry office type wedding sooner than June, literally just yourselves and witnesses and then do the party later on in the year when you're feeling stronger and have some idea of how you're coping with the IVF? Is your partner aware of how difficult you are finding things? It sounds very hard to deal with, but I think the advice of seeing your GP again is the best place to start.....

[Londonjam]

I was on escitalopram for anxiety before we started TTC too. It was a tough couple of months coming off but I'm doing really well without it now. I had a course of talking therapy which helped me no end - really try and push for that with your GP too. It's a much longer term solution to MH problems than ADs in my opinion.

[whatthef30]

The wedding is already really small. We're only having 18 guests. Registery office do and then reception afterwards. If anything I've been stressed by people saying it needs to be bigger and we should have a night do and stuff. I really don't want to scale it back even more. I'll feel like I'm cheating myself out of any semblance of the wedding I want iyswim?

Londonjam. I'm sorry you are having problems too. Ttc and failing is the fucking pits. I would love to channel my positivity and energy into the wedding, but at the minute I have neither to channel. I'm just bloody fed up Talking therapy alone doesn't work for me unfortunately. Every time I come off AD's I end up right back at square one. My GP has admitted to me that counselling provision were I live is terribke. The only good therapy I've had I found myself.

My partner is aware of how I feel. All my friends and family know about the IVF as well. They all have that annoying think positive attitude though and it makes me want to cry. How can I think positive about potentially not achieving the only thing I've ever really wanted?

[whatthef30]

Ugh, I sound so negative in these posts. Sorry.

Belle. I'm in London so don't know if that's any good for your psychiatrist?

[MegaBlocksBaby]

18 guests sounds wonderful! If you can get through to the wedding it will probably be a fantastic day and a lovely start to your married life. If you decide to postpone its not self sabotage, it's self care. Only you and your DH can come to that decision, it's no one else's business.

Honeymoon-wise can you book two nights at a nice hotel for a few hundred pounds? Or on Groupon? I think it's important to have a few quiet days to yourself after the wedding as a couple if you can. Doesn't have to be two weeks in the Bahamas!

[MrsEricBana]

Definitely ignore anyone pressurising you to have a bigger do. Friends of ours have just cancelled planned summer wedding for similar reasons and are now having a relaxing holiday including getting legally married then are having a wedding party in future when they are up to it.
I agree focus on the IVF as time is of the essence there. (On a positive note my poor SIL had a long IVF journey but is now very pregnant with twins. Hope you get some good news soon x)

[whatthef30]

We've thought about the nice hotel idea. In fact our good friend offered to book us the honeymoon suite in the hotel we're having reception in as our wedding present

It's probably very spoilt and bratty of me to throw toys out of the peak about honeymoon, but I'm just so angry at the unfairness of our situation. Dp works such long hours that I barely see him and God knows we need a bloody break. We are both so tense and miserable. Plus DP now has a new hobby that takes him out of house on our only day off together. I'm just so fragile at the minute. Need to get a grip.

[whatthef30]

Thank you MrsEricBana. That sound like the perfect wedding to me. There's a runaway wedding place in Cornwall that I'm currently drooling over.

Glad to hear about your SIL. Twins? She must be so happy

Wish I had a crystal ball. If it could tell me I'll be pregnant in April then none of this stress would matter and I'd happily waltz down my very short registery office aisle as an upduffed bride!