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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Am I wasting my time?

41 replies

GodfreyAndJane · 20/02/2017 06:41

I've been dating/seeing a man for almost 11 weeks now. We met through work but we don't work together and our meeting was a complete fluke.
We see each other once/twice a week (we alternate between staying over at his or my place), text every day and speak on the phone a couple of times a week. We spent Valentine's together.

He seems lovely, and kind. We never stop chatting and laughing when we are together and the sex is amazing (sorry it tmi). I really like him.

However, I've never done this whole dating thing and I'm unsure on how to move it forward. On our first date he said he wanted to take it slow, which is fine, I have a ds (who I have no intention of rushing them meeting or anything) and he has commitments so going slow was good. But how slow is slow? At what point should it move into a relationship. I feel ready to make that step but don't want to rush it scare him. We've agreed we arent seeing anyone else and he told me he considered us more then dating but what is that?

Also, as not to drip feed, he has 2 hobbies that he goes to pretty much every evening. One is a set time and day, which he attends ever week
But the other is flexible but he attends with a friend . Every time we arrange to meet in the week, which means he can't attend or will have to alter the time he always says 'I'll have to check with friend to make sure that's ok'. It's always 'been ok' and we've never not met but still, it raises slight alarm bells with me however I know after 2/3 months he can't be expected to change his whole life for me, and I obviously don't mind him doing his hobbies, but I do like spending an evening with him in the week.

Sorry that was really long but I think I feel like I'm coming to a crossroads, we have such a good time and I don't want to do anything to jepordise it but at the same time, I need to know that I'm not wasting my time.

What do you think?

OP posts:

Report

GodfreyAndJane · 20/02/2017 06:44

Oh and we've mentioned in conversations about 'when I meet his friend' or 'when he meets my dad' so he doesn't seem to shy away from that stuff.

OP posts:

Velvian · 20/02/2017 06:45

Are you sure the friend isn't his wife? Don't know what made me think that, but something sounds a bit suspect.

Ali1262 · 20/02/2017 06:54

Has he been single for long? The reason I ask is that when someone has been alone for a long time it does take time to adjust to sharing their life with another person. I think it's a good sign that you both stay over at each others house's,(talking from personal experience). Also it is a big step that you both agreed not to see other people. It does show commitment to each other.

Ghosttownspecials · 20/02/2017 06:56

Wife?

category12 · 20/02/2017 07:15

Eleven weeks?

That isn't very long. What do you want to move it into at eleven weeks?

MumsKnitter · 20/02/2017 07:25

My gut feel is that you're wasting your time. It seems like he's happy with how things are now and not going to want more. Though I could be projecting as your relationship sounds very similar to one I ditched as it became obvious that I was never going to be more than his weekly shag. I tried to just enjoy the (also very good!) sex, but realised his lack of wanting more made me feel a bit cheap and rejected so I ended it.

GodfreyAndJane · 20/02/2017 08:01

I'm as sure as you can be there's no wife, I've been to his place several times, been out in the tiny village he lives in and been introduced to people in the local pub there.

He's been single for almost 3 years. He told me his ex left him out of the blue and he was gutted so it's made him a bit wary of getting hurt again which is completely understandable.

Maybe he does just want me for sex I don't know. When we are together he is so lovely and we don't stop laughing and we've been on days out and things. Maybe I'm just overthinking everything? I'm having a good time and my friends say to just enjoy it and see where it leads but I suffer greatly with anxiety so maybe that's adding to it as well?

OP posts:

LesisMiserable · 20/02/2017 08:13

11 weeks and you want to move it on? To what? Forget titles and just enjoy it!! Live in the moment!! When women stopped being such strategists and started being fully animalistically present in the moment instead, its a completely different experience. Try it.

GodfreyAndJane · 20/02/2017 08:18

catergory and les, that's what I'm asking, am I trying to rush things or if he dragging his feet!! I have no idea. I was with ds's dad for almost a decade and other people I have dated has always been on a much, much more casual basis so I'm completely clueless. I feel like I should have 'the talk' but i don't even know why I feel that way!! Maybe you're right and I should just go with it, I like him, he seems to really like me and we get on brilliantly so instead of enjoying it, i am feeling anxious about what 'stage' we are in which writing it down seems completely ridiculous!

OP posts:

PollyPerky · 20/02/2017 08:19

What do you mean by 'move it on'?
You have already agreed not to see other people.
He has hobbies which is a good thing.

You surely don't want to live together yet after 11 weeks?

I think if in a year there were no conversations about living together then it's the time to ask questions. Not now.

LesisMiserable · 20/02/2017 08:25

You're at the stage of enjoying life with a lovely new man. What could be better?

JennyHolzersGhost · 20/02/2017 08:27

I think you're overthinking it. Just enjoy spending time together and don't think about him too much when you're not together. If it's right then it will flow.

namechange20050 · 20/02/2017 08:28

You'be only been together 11 weeks! Just chill out and enjoy it!

GodfreyAndJane · 20/02/2017 08:30

Thank You so much, this is exactly what I need to hear. My silly brain just overthinks everything. I don't want to live together, far far from it, but maybe referring to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend I'm very aware I sound 13 years old

I am going to chill out and relax and enjoy spending time with someone I like!

OP posts:

Gallavich · 20/02/2017 08:31

It's 11 weeks in!! What are pp talking about saying you're wasting your time? Jesus. Sounds like you're having a lovely time getting to know each other and that's exactly where it should be at 11 weeks. You shouldn't be looking to entwine your lives much at this stage because it will affect your child if you have to un-entwine.
I really don't see your issue.

expatinscotland · 20/02/2017 08:34

The 'hobby' thing would put me off. WTF are these 'hobbies'? And checking in with the friend. Yeah, you're wasting your time.

PollyPerky · 20/02/2017 08:39

What's wrong with hobbies? Plenty of people go out on a regular basis to play sport or photograph wildlife, or go fishing.......and do it with a mate.

I'm being sarcy but you get the drift.

It's death to a new relationship to start telling someone they 'can't do x' now they are seeing you.

Gallavich · 20/02/2017 08:41

Why shouldn't he have hobbies?
Maybe he goes running, or cycling, or martial arts, or sculpting, or anything. I'd much rather a man who uses his spare time for something constructive than down the pub or watching football.

expatinscotland · 20/02/2017 08:43

Nothing, but that fact that in this setting, he's doing them every night and has to check in with someone else if he wants to do something else. She's not telling him 'you can't do', he is telling her can't unless he checks in with the 'friend'.

AhYerWill · 20/02/2017 08:46

If you're worried this relationship could be wasting your time, what is the end goal you are looking for? And why would this relationship be wrong for you if it stayed in it's current format?

3 months in I don't think it's a bad idea to check that you're on the same page regarding things like marriage and kids in the future (or whatever you feel is currently missing). In a general 'do you see yourself ever getting married again' type way, rather than getting down on one knee...

Knowing that long term you want the same things may alleviate some of the anxiety, or help you decide to end the relationship now if you're incompatible.

PollyPerky · 20/02/2017 08:46

So after 11 weeks Expat, he should ditch his long term hobby mates who he's made a commitment to, according to you? If he's in a 'team' of some sort where his not being there affects other people, of course he needs to check with them! Is that so hard to understand?

disappearingfish · 20/02/2017 08:51

It is far too early for any seriousness. Enjoy it!

Months and months down the line he may reconsider the priority of his hobbies in comparison to your relationship but that is a very long time away.

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expatinscotland · 20/02/2017 08:52

Erm, no, Polly, and nowhere did I say that. He's free to do whatever he likes. But being that dedicated to the hobbies means spontaneity isn't something that's part of his life and I'd find that a waste of time. The OP asked if she's wasting her time, IMO, she is. In yours, she is not. But carry on trying to start a bunfight and scolding. I don't much give a toss. These boards are loaded with women whose partners' 'hobbies' are priority and there's no flexibility in their lives.

PollyPerky · 20/02/2017 08:57

Your idea of 'spontaneity' could be someone else's idea of 'unreliability'.

I feel it's commendable that he doesn't want to let his long term friends down just because he's 11 weeks into a relationship. For me that shows he's considerate and caring. If as time goes by he wants to spend less time on his hobbies, that's his choice. If on the other hand he ditched long term friends, hobbies and commitments in 11 weeks, we'd all be telling the OP he was unstable and invested too quickly.

Iamastonished · 20/02/2017 08:57

"But being that dedicated to the hobbies means spontaneity isn't something that's part of his life"

Is it just me who is wondering what kind of hobby needs that much dedication?

Does he own a horse?

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