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New boyfriend too soon after marriage break up - advice please(57 Posts)
So my STBXH left 8 months ago and since then have discovered a whole world of pain related to his infidelities and financial dishonesty. We go to court on Tuesday to resolve our financial issues.
4 months after he left I'm at home after a glass of wine thinking "I'll just see what all this fuss is about Tinder". So I download the app, put myself out there because I'm intruiged to see what my "market value" is and wow! Amazingly despite the fact that I'm 42 and don't filter any of my pictures I'm getting matches with men in their 20s. They say lovely things to me, they tell me I'm beautiful and ok most of them just want to get in my pants but I'm fine with that! I don't want a boyfriend! I arrange to go on a few dates and feel great about myself for the first time in years.
One of the people i'm chatting with is funnier than the rest. We click and he seems to really understand my sense of humour. We chat online for three weeks then we meet up. He's looks just the same as his pictures and I really like him. We have a great night. He's 40 and his two kids are the same age as my two kids. I tell him I don't want anything serious as I'm not even divorced yet, he agrees. Three weeks later he tells me he wants to be my boyfriend. I love spending time with him and feel happier every day.
He seems very different to my ex. He accepts when I feel angry or annoyed and apologises if he's done something wrong. He listens to me. He tells me I'm beautiful every day and after three months he tells me he loves me.
This should all be a dream come true but I feel in my gut that it's too early to be in another relationship with someone else. On Valentines Day he cooked me dinner and we had a great night together but I couldn't help feeling sad that the year before I was with my ex, blissfully ignorant of his lies.
Yesterday my sister was visiting and we were up late drinking wine and watching crap TV. She lives a five hour drive away so we don't get to see each other that much. New guy hasn't met any of my friends and family yet because we both have kids, jobs and hobbies so we meet maybe two or three times a week and we live half an hours drive away from each other so meeting friends just hasn't cropped up yet. New guy is a paramedic so he works long hours and he suggested he could come to court with me on Tuesday but I told him it's not a good idea and so now he's working that day. This week I've been stressing about going to court. I haven't told many people but he knows. Last night he sent my sister, who he's never met, a facebook message (he's not friends with her on facebook he must have found her on my friends list) saying that he thinks she or my parents (who also live five hours drive away) should be with me at court on Tuesday as he's working and can't be there.
This has totally shocked me and I feel like he's sticking his oar in where it's not needed. He hasn't even met my sister. She's known me 41 years, he's known me 4 months. I told him I found him sending her a message a bit weird and maybe we need to put the brakes on seeing each other at the moment. It feels like he's trying to control me but I may be over reacting because of the way my ex treated me? I really don't know if this is OK or not? Help!
I'd trust your gut. If it doesn't feel ok, it probably isn't.
I was all for him until the 'coming to court' and fbing your sister. Wah.
Regarding relationships- sometimes things just happen and if somebody makes you happy and isn't pushing things then that's fine. But it sounds like this guy has completely overstepped the mark and thinks he has his 'feet under the table' so to speak.
I think you're on the ball here.
Given all else you've said about him, I think he was trying to be supportive but telling him it is too much is also what I'd have said.
Go with your gut, he may have been trying to be supportive but thats way to controlling to msg your ds
I met my DP within weeks of my marriage breakdown, also not planned and didn't mean for anything serious, but it's just one of those things. Really identify with what you said about Valentine's etc. I can remember in early days having to leave dates / be quite dramatic as I really wasn't as ready as I should of been.
DP just always gave me space and let me be, always respected my boundaries. He would never EVER do what your BF has done. And we've known each other almost 2 years now.
I'd be v worried by this sort of thing at 4 m tbh.
Yeah I feel you're probably right, he's really lovely in lots of ways just not sure now is the right time. If I let him go and he was the best thing that ever happened to me though....how can I possibly know that?
Inappropriate to offer to attend court with you and even more so to message your sister and give his opinions like that.
I'd maybe give him another chance if he is that nice generally. Make sure he knows that his behaviour was totally innapropriate but keep it s.l.o.w.
Benefit of the doubt- he could just be over eager and wanting to do a Prince in shining armour. But it's a definite strike one in my head. If he steps out of line again I'd be remembering this.
He sounded so nice until the messaging your sister part.Thats way too much-I would be hugely uncomfortable with that.
I think you've done so well given the short time space but I can understand your feelings. I'd cut that new man some slack and think he's trying to support you as he clearly wants to support you. Don't cut him off completely. Just tell him honestly how you feel and that you just want to take it nice and steady. I personally think these are the actions of a man who really likes you and wants you to be supported. I can't see red flags tbh. Just tell him you appreciate his input but you need to do this alone. Please give him a chance and see how he he is with you at other times.
I think he overstepped the mark but judge him on his general demeanour, not just that single message to your sis. Do you feel he's controlling with you otherwise?
I would ask to dial things back a bit. Reduce the times per week you see each other and call etc. Hopefully he will understand and not make a fuss.
I think it's quite fair enough that you need to take things slowly for now.
Yeah I think he's a little bit passive aggressive, he went very quiet on the phone when I told him we shouldn't see each other for a little while and said "that's fine" in a sulky voice.
He's divorced too although amicable ish and not sure how their relationship went downhill, sounds like his ex had someone waiting in the wings.
He also lost his sister nine years ago - she had a brain haemorrhage - and it was the anniversary of that on Thursday. He spent the evening with me and said it was the first year he hadn't got pissed to try and forget about it. So I think his head is up his arse generally. This is what's confusing me about whether this is normal behaviour for him or not.
Hmmm.... jury's out OP.
Just put yourself first, whatever's going on in his life is for him to deal with. Don't get too overinvested too quickly (as he appears to have done!)
Thankyou, really helped put things in perspective for me xx
I think some responses here are too negative. This is ONE example where he's not been sensitive to your emotions. I'd talk to him about it, express your concerns and give him another chance. I can see that for a man who is head over heels and feels protective of you, it's a valid suggestion. I could see myself doing something like that if I were really worried about someone. But he got it wrong. I don't think this by itself is enough to ditch him.
I'm with Polly on this. He works in a caring profession, has been lovely to you so far, and knows how stressed out this court session is making you, as well as - presumably - what a turd your ex is.
While he's obviously gone about it the wrong way, it sounds to me like he's simply thinking about your welfare and wanting to make sure there is someone for you to lean on if you need it on the day.
So by all means log it for future reference, but I wouldn't ditch him over this. Everything else you say about him sounds lovely.
I would tell him not to contact people behind your back and give him another chance tbh.
Have you got anyone who could go to court with you? Not him obvs. I have a friend who went on her own and found it hard.
Someone with you at Court would be a good idea (not him, obviously). There were a couple of initial hearings when I went alone and it was a bit shit tbh. Nothing I (or you) couldn't handle, but having someone in your corner in the waiting area does make it less stressful - even if it's just to vent a bit about what just happened inside.
As for the guy, I would cut him a little slack, after making the boundaries clear. I don't see any malice in what he did, but "over protective" could so easily turn into control.
I think this is very odd behaviour. He was overstepping boundaries by wanting to go to court with you anyway and then contacting your sister to tell her what she/your family should be doing to support you. The sulking is worrying too. I would take a step back and get some space. I also think you need time to process the end of your marriage. Don't make any decisions thinking 'what if this is my only chance of happiness'. If he genuinely cares about you he will respect your feelings and situation and give you space. If he disappears in a sulk, he wasn't right for you anyway. And there are plenty of other options out there for when you are ready.
Seems to me there are 2 different issues going on here. That you are still processing your marriage ending, and maybe things with your boyfriend are going too fast. I think that's OK to feel like this.
Second thing: him messaging your sister. I don't think this is caring. I think it's way over the top after 4 months. He's also had to trawl Facebook to find her. I really wouldn't like that, and it would make me very wary of him. As PP says it's odd behaviour. You also say he was PA when you told him, which isn't good.
It's easy to fall for someone just after a relationship ends. Sometimes in relationships like this you can't see the wood for the trees as you get caught up in the "you are beautiful" stuff. If anything it's moving too fast
If I got a message from a man my sister had just started seeing, that I hadn't even met yet - telling me what to do? I would not be happy.
Give him a chance to explain, perhaps. But that's a fairly glaring red flag.
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