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Is my bf a narcissist?

(60 Posts)
plotisgone Sun 19-Feb-17 20:29:18

I need help.

I will have to fudge some details so I'm not detected but hopefully the point will still be made.

I have been with him for 18 months. Never knew him before that. At first it was fantastic, thought all my prays were answered. Then attitude started to drift in. At first I thought he was having problems because of a bad relationship with the mother of his son. She stopped access, was abusive physically towards him and cheated which is why he left (only had his side, I don't know her). The attitude became more like attacks - name calling (cretin, retard), blaming (well I wouldn't get wound up if you didn't moan). I avoid moaning or doing anything to upset him, to the point of having no personality!

I began by saying things like 'this needs to stop, I cannot accept this'. Then saying nothing. Very occasionally I lose the plot completely, once I cried to point of gasping for breath and begging him to be nice, another time I shouted at him like I wanted to murder him (which I did want to at the time!)

He's extremely Jekyll and Hyde and, until recently, the wave off the good times would sails through the bad. But now it's as though I can't enjoy the good times because it can literally be absolutely anything that can set him off again.

Can anyone relate to this?! Does he sound like a narcissist? If so, what can I do? If not, what does it sound like?!

TurnipCake Sun 19-Feb-17 20:31:39

I would have kicked the relationshit to the kerb after the foul, abusive names he was calling you.

And bullshit to whatever story he has told you about his ex. I suspect her side is a very different version of events

DonkeyofDoom Sun 19-Feb-17 20:31:59

It doesn't matter one jot what his diagnosis might be or not. It's not a healthy relationship.

BrownEyedLady Sun 19-Feb-17 20:33:39

You need to ditch him. Like Donkey said, doesn't matter what personality disorder he may have, he's a bad boyfriend.

2cats2many Sun 19-Feb-17 20:37:19

Maybe he's a narcissist, maybe he isn't. Either way, you are allowing yourself to stay in a relationship that is just not good or healthy however you look at it.

Instead of using your energies to wonder about him and whether you can help him, try and take some time to honestly look at why you are prepared to put up with this. Do you think you're worth something better? If so, then why are you staying? If not, then consider going to talk to someone about it.

For what its worth, if he is a narcissist, there's no helping or saving him. He will stay the way he is regardless of anything you do. Whatever you do, don't have babies with him or he'll be in your life forever.

plotisgone Sun 19-Feb-17 20:38:08

I have wondered about contacting the ex but he said if I did that, we'd be over because of the betrayal. I also told his parents I wish I could speak to her (just to try to mediate for the sake of his son) but they laughed and said she wasn't the sort of person to be mediated and she'd just treat me like I was something she'd stepped in.

I know that a diagnosis doesn't make a difference and there's more chance of hell freezing than him seeing anyone about it because he doesn't have a problem 🤔

plotisgone Sun 19-Feb-17 20:39:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Sun 19-Feb-17 20:40:20

He's not a narc- just an arsehole. Get rid!

plotisgone Sun 19-Feb-17 20:40:42

Why do you say he's not a narc?

BrownEyedLady Sun 19-Feb-17 20:41:38

You already have her side of the story from the way he's treating you. Leave the ex alone - it's not your business.

Taylor22 Sun 19-Feb-17 20:42:26

MN can't diagnose a Personality disorder over the internet!
Seriously not every arsehole is a Narc.
But I feel confident enough to say he's a twat.
So my advice would be to ditch him.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Sun 19-Feb-17 20:46:21

There's absolutely nothing that you've typed that is indicative of Narcissism.

He is abusive. Not narcissistic.

Iflyaway Sun 19-Feb-17 20:50:14

If you are pregnant and going to have this baby you are going to have this man in your life for ever. Whatever label you stick on him.

jeaux90 Sun 19-Feb-17 20:52:31

Oh my god. Run for the hills and don't look back. Seriously all the red flags are there and you know it

plotisgone Sun 19-Feb-17 20:52:32

Ok, I read things that match up - he ties me up in knots during discussions, talks over me when I am speaking (especially when telling a story - to the point I give up and shit up), I can't win (I will offer to make a cuppa and may be told I'm amazing and yes; no, if I wanted one I'd make myself one; don't bug me to have a cuppa). I'm pregnant and if any traits of a potentially hereditary personality disorder is present here I'd like to get some advice from people who may be on here that have been through it?

plotisgone Sun 19-Feb-17 20:53:12

Shut up not shit up 😂🙄

Moanyoldcow Sun 19-Feb-17 20:57:25

I was about to say what ifly did - you have this baby and he is around and in your life forever.

I'm not telling you not to have it, just think about his behaviour in front of a child and the effect it will have. I'm telling you now, you will be running from this man forever.

Has he hit you yet? It's the next step and he'll blame you for winding him up, apologise after. And when you stay he'll know he can keep going. Leave him whilst you can.

plotisgone Sun 19-Feb-17 21:00:12

He's not hit me but he gets very upset and apologetic after an episode. It's as though he has an empathy, consequence and love bypass at times.

Bananalanacake Sun 19-Feb-17 21:00:44

Do you live together, he shouldn't be nasty to you at all, but I am sure you know this.

plotisgone Sun 19-Feb-17 21:01:48

Yes we do live together and it's joint tenancy so I'd love nearly £1k deposit if I left

plotisgone Sun 19-Feb-17 21:02:15

Lose not love

scoobydoo1971 Sun 19-Feb-17 21:03:33

You don't need a label of a personality disorder to justify leaving an abusive man. Emotional abuse covers name-calling and snide, overly critical behaviour. There are two sides to every-story and few people admit their contribution to a relationship breakdown, so treat his account of events with his ex like a pinch of salt. I would not spend time trying to analyse and justify his behaviour with mental health diagnosis. I would be looking for the nearest exit to get away from this man permanently. His name-calling may escalate to physical abuse in the future.

Moanyoldcow Sun 19-Feb-17 21:04:16

He is emotionally manipulating you. Is this what you want for your future? Children are stressful as hell - your relationship will not improve after your baby is born - it will get worse. 18 months should still be honeymoon time - not the shit you describe.

CharlotteCollins Sun 19-Feb-17 21:07:10

Maybe he's narcissistic, although from what you've said here he just sounds abusive. If he is narcissistic, it doesn't mean his children will be. Although they will be damaged by witnessing their parents' dysfunctional relationship, if you were to stay.

plotisgone Sun 19-Feb-17 21:08:29

I know I really should leave him but he can be lovely- he's like the best and worst person I've ever been with . Some people would probably love the drama but not me, I just want to be able to be myself without thinking I might set him off if I'm too cheerful or whatever!! I know I need to leave.

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