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Am I overreacting, or underreacting?

78 replies

somuchcrap · 19/02/2017 19:23

Have NC. Sorry it's so long and so trivial compared to some threads on here.
I just don't know if I'm being unreasonable, or minimising DP behaviour. I want to talk to him this evening and I'd appreciate some insight.

Together 10 years, have 2.5yo DD.
I recently found he's chatting online with women he's 'met' on porn sites, exchanging fake images and really explicit messages.
I know he watches porn, it doesn't particularily bother me, but I've discovered him messaging women from these sites twice before. I told him I hated it, it makes me feel shit and I find it hard to respect him when I know what he's saying to these women.

I may sound delusional, but I have no concerns about him having an affair. It's all anonymous, it's not rooted in reality for him at all. He says he does it when he's bored, he knows it's stupid, etc etc.
I don't believe he'll stop as clearly nothing I've said before has stopped him, and I realise this boils down to whether or not I accept his behaviour and stay with him. I guess he'll just get smarter at hiding it.

DD sometimes uses his iPad to watch cbeebies, and twice she has got into his pictures app and found explicit pictures that he has downloaded in order to send in messages.
I was absolutely furious the first time it happened, he was mortified and promised he'd make sure it couldn't happen again, and now it has happened again and I don't know what I can say to him that I haven't said already.
(A message from one of his chats also popped up while DD was using it - obviously she couldn't read it, but that is how I found out this time.)

I already struggle with the inequality in our relationship, I am a do-er and he is quite passive and while that works for us in some respects, I am exhausted with managing everything. I'm a SAHP with no other childcare, I run a business from home and am 100% responsible for renovations and planning our next round of IVF (which is now on hold).
I'm fed up with driving everything. We go over and over it.
He's forgetful, and lately has repeatedly done things that compromise our safety (leaving keys in door, leaving applicances on all night / all day when we're out, forgetting to close front door at night) - and I mean repeatedly. When we argue about things like this he won't take it seriously, when I talk about fire risk etc he reacts like I'm hysterical, and if I push it he gets angry - he won't engage with me at all.

I'm so confused, I don't know if I'm being a nag and should accept him for who he is and let him be, or LTB!
The positives: he is totally supportive of me, is (apart from incidents above) a wonderful and attentive dad, gives me so much emotional stability, is generous and thoughtful, supports my family, we enjoy each other's company, I know he adores me.
I don't want to split, but I don't want to know he's messaging other women when we're 40, 50, 60... and I don't want DD to be exposed to anything like that again.
Is there any point trying to work through this?

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featherboafiend · 19/02/2017 19:29

A wonderful dad who leaves explicit images on his iPad for his dd to find?

He's the exact opposite of a wonderful dad op. I'm sorry but his behaviour is disgusting. My father used to keep porn mags in the shed and I still recall to this day my shock and confusion upon finding them. You need to leave for your dd sake.