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Am I overreacting, or underreacting?

(79 Posts)
somuchcrap Sun 19-Feb-17 19:23:17

Have NC. Sorry it's so long and so trivial compared to some threads on here.
I just don't know if I'm being unreasonable, or minimising DP behaviour. I want to talk to him this evening and I'd appreciate some insight.

Together 10 years, have 2.5yo DD.
I recently found he's chatting online with women he's 'met' on porn sites, exchanging fake images and really explicit messages.
I know he watches porn, it doesn't particularily bother me, but I've discovered him messaging women from these sites twice before. I told him I hated it, it makes me feel shit and I find it hard to respect him when I know what he's saying to these women.

I may sound delusional, but I have no concerns about him having an affair. It's all anonymous, it's not rooted in reality for him at all. He says he does it when he's bored, he knows it's stupid, etc etc.
I don't believe he'll stop as clearly nothing I've said before has stopped him, and I realise this boils down to whether or not I accept his behaviour and stay with him. I guess he'll just get smarter at hiding it.

DD sometimes uses his iPad to watch cbeebies, and twice she has got into his pictures app and found explicit pictures that he has downloaded in order to send in messages.
I was absolutely furious the first time it happened, he was mortified and promised he'd make sure it couldn't happen again, and now it has happened again and I don't know what I can say to him that I haven't said already.
(A message from one of his chats also popped up while DD was using it - obviously she couldn't read it, but that is how I found out this time.)

I already struggle with the inequality in our relationship, I am a do-er and he is quite passive and while that works for us in some respects, I am exhausted with managing everything. I'm a SAHP with no other childcare, I run a business from home and am 100% responsible for renovations and planning our next round of IVF (which is now on hold).
I'm fed up with driving everything. We go over and over it.
He's forgetful, and lately has repeatedly done things that compromise our safety (leaving keys in door, leaving applicances on all night / all day when we're out, forgetting to close front door at night) - and I mean repeatedly. When we argue about things like this he won't take it seriously, when I talk about fire risk etc he reacts like I'm hysterical, and if I push it he gets angry - he won't engage with me at all.

I'm so confused, I don't know if I'm being a nag and should accept him for who he is and let him be, or LTB!
The positives: he is totally supportive of me, is (apart from incidents above) a wonderful and attentive dad, gives me so much emotional stability, is generous and thoughtful, supports my family, we enjoy each other's company, I know he adores me.
I don't want to split, but I don't want to know he's messaging other women when we're 40, 50, 60... and I don't want DD to be exposed to anything like that again.
Is there any point trying to work through this?

featherboafiend Sun 19-Feb-17 19:29:57

A wonderful dad who leaves explicit images on his iPad for his dd to find?

He's the exact opposite of a wonderful dad op. I'm sorry but his behaviour is disgusting. My father used to keep porn mags in the shed and I still recall to this day my shock and confusion upon finding them. You need to leave for your dd sake.

AnyFucker Sun 19-Feb-17 19:34:32

You seriously have to ask ? confused

DonaldStott Sun 19-Feb-17 19:34:35

He's not a wonderful dad.

He does not adore you.

DonaldStott Sun 19-Feb-17 19:35:08

I don't know how you have any respect left for him.

ivykaty44 Sun 19-Feb-17 19:35:54

It's not trivial
Don't even think it's trivial
It would be a game over for me

ForeverLivingMyArse Sun 19-Feb-17 19:36:38

Run for the hills.

LFWarrior Sun 19-Feb-17 19:36:42

Sorry but I think you already know that you deserve better than this. Is he your husband or teenage son? Sits around watching porn knowing his daughter will see it!! Not good. He obviously needs porn to feel turned on. Where does this go? He is already texting women....think about your child.
You can still be friends but he doesn't sound like an adult. You sound like a real go getter with your own business etc. Find a man who thinks you are woman enough for him otherwise this situation will just become more toxic. Good luck x

Mo55chop5 Sun 19-Feb-17 19:37:03

As a man I would say he is a bit of a scumbag tbh.

Lillygolightly Sun 19-Feb-17 19:37:46

No...just NO!

It won't get better, he won't stop! I know, been there got the T-shirt.

somuchcrap Sun 19-Feb-17 19:38:02

Thanks for replying, I really have believed I was overreacting to all this stuff.

Reading that back I didn't make it clear that DD finding the images is the main issue. I know it is ridiculous I even asked the question.

featherboafiend Sun 19-Feb-17 19:38:24

Missed the bit about him adoring you.

He messages other women for kicks op. What is adoring about that?

Your level of undereaction here is astounding. He needs to go!!!

AnyFucker Sun 19-Feb-17 19:38:56

If I knew your sleazy pig of a husband I would be reporting him to social services for exposing children to porn

That there is sexual abuse of a child. Onto the register he goes.

I think your definition of a "good dad" is seriously fucked up, as is your bar of what is acceptable in a relationship

What the fuck happened to you in your formative years ? Something similar to what is happening with your child right now?

HerOtherHalf Sun 19-Feb-17 19:38:59

I don't think you are overreacting. It's sleazy and highly disrespectful to you, doubly so because he already knows it upsets you. I would also be very surprised if this is free, informal chat if he found his correspondents on porn sites. More likely he's wasting money, your family's money ultimately, on a paid service.

featherboafiend Sun 19-Feb-17 19:39:32

I suspect he's contitioned you to think you're overreacting op.

You aren't.

Lilacpink40 Sun 19-Feb-17 19:40:05

Does he say things to make you think that this is normal and / or that this is your fault?

(It's not x2)

somuchcrap Sun 19-Feb-17 19:40:10

Crossed with a few replies there. Thank you all. Lilly I know, he won't change.

TupperwareTat Sun 19-Feb-17 19:41:20

He thinks hes talking to other woman. It could well be a bunch of lads having a laugh or some hairy handed trucker.

You never know whos behind the other screen.

I would have packed his bag the very very first time.

featherboafiend Sun 19-Feb-17 19:42:08

So what will you do op? Because you do know you cannot risk another second of your innocent dd being exposed to porn right?

AnyFucker Sun 19-Feb-17 19:42:40

Why are you with him ? Serious question.

The bloke is a sex offender. Exposing children to open is a serious offence. How can you have him in the same house ? Did you think you would ever be one of those women that knowingly stays with a nonce ?

AnyFucker Sun 19-Feb-17 19:43:42

Exposing children to porn *

Typo or not, it needs saying repeatedly

EverythingEverywhere1234 Sun 19-Feb-17 19:43:56

Um. He does NOT adore you. A DP who adores you wouldn't be getting his kicks through messaging other women with filthy messages. Equally he isn't a good dad, a good dad doesn't leave explicit images for his daughter to see.
How tragic he is. He's a scumbag. Your standards are horrifyingly low, how dare he make you doubt yourself?! You need to get shot of this... man.

annielouise Sun 19-Feb-17 19:46:17

You're seriously under-reacting. Putting up with him messaging people on porn sites? And your DD being exposed to it? You should have asked him to leave the first time. Please, where on earth is your self-respect?

AnyFucker Sun 19-Feb-17 19:47:47

Ian Watkins had a girlfriend that thought he "adored" her....

TheZeppo Sun 19-Feb-17 19:47:56

Agree with AnyFucker

Hopefully she's young enough to forget these images. Get her away from that man so it never happens to her again!

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