Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

So confused-long term boyfriend

(12 Posts)
Flantastico Sun 19-Feb-17 18:15:46

I tried to make this brief but failed. Sorry.

Long term boyfriend has had a complicated housing situation which has meant that we haven't been able to live together. We've both been keen to live together but now that his housing situation has almost been resolved and it's an actual possibility I'm getting cold feet.

I've been happily living with my children for the last 8 years since my divorce. ExH made it very difficult for me to stay in the family home (which I owned before we married) and for a while I thought we'd end up homeless. I swore I would never be in that situation again.

Then I met my boyfriend. The children love him,he's great with them. The idea of living together now though is terrifying. I'm so worried that should something go wrong,the children and I will once again be screwed. I'm not entirely back on my feet following buying my ExH out and can't risk another financial disaster.

I'm really thinking that I can't live with him. I can't imagine not having my own space anymore either (if you can have any space at all when you have a house full of children!).

I think I'm being mean and that he's better off without me because I should be excited about moving in together shouldn't I? Not shitting myself presuming that something is bound to go wrong. But if we don't take this next step then where does our relationship go from here? We're both late 30s and I can't imagine him being happy to carry on the way we are indefinitely (and why should he be?)

I do suffer with depression (currently medicated) and I've been blaming these thoughts on that but I just don't know. I don't know what I'm doing or what to think. Where do I start?

Holly3434 Sun 19-Feb-17 18:21:52

Could let him move in, but keep the bills in your name and mortgage so anything that goes wrong so what you've still got control of your house. You can't keep thinking that something will happen if you keep doing this you'll never move on and be happy.

pocketsaviour Sun 19-Feb-17 18:23:44

There's nothing inherently wrong with wanting to retain an independent living space and not share that with a partner.

Is it just the fear of putting your housing at risk that's affecting you, or do you prefer being the only adult in the house? If it's just the former, then there are probably strategies to protect yourself and the kids. For example, assuming you both own your houses now, you could rent those out and rent somewhere else together. That way you'd always have your own property to fall back on if your relationship failed.

If it's the latter, or a mixture of the two, I think you have to tell him how you're feeling and decide where to go from there.

Patchouli666 Sun 19-Feb-17 18:43:39

Defo rent your house out, that way you have the initial six months of a short hold tenancy but from then on you need to give two months notice to the tenant. The money you get from rent hopefully will help you clear some of the mortgage in addition to regular payments resulting in a MORE secure future for you and the kids. Good luck. It's normal to be nervous!

Flantastico Sun 19-Feb-17 18:44:40

Thank you for your replies. I could keep the house in my name but I worry that wouldn't be fair to him as he would need to contribute to bills etc as I would lose tax credits if he were to move in. Letting my house isn't an option unfortunately as it needs a lot bit of work to make it up to standard.

I really need to move on from my fears don't I? Before I lived with my ExH we got on great but almost immediately after getting married and moving in everything changed. Why I would think the same would happen with my boyfriend is so unfair as he is nothing like my ExH: he's a lovely man who has supported me so much over the last few years. I need to talk to him about how I'm feeling don't I?

WifeyFish Sun 19-Feb-17 19:09:58

I'm not sure why you feel the house you own could be at risk if he moved in/contributed to bills? I also don't think it's out of line to expect him to pay his way if he does move in. Perhaps a chat about how living together will work might alleviate your fears?

Cricrichan Sun 19-Feb-17 19:39:30

Does he have children too?

I don't think there's anything wrong with continuing your relationship and both of you living separately. You get all the fun of having a relationship with none of the boring bits.

A friend split with her husband about 5 years ago and has been in a relationship for the last 3 years. They both have their own kids and their own homes and their relationship is amazing.

If I split up from dh I doubt I'd ever want to move in with another man tbh!

Flantastico Sun 19-Feb-17 19:57:01

It's such a relief to be told that it's not unreasonable for me to be nervous! Thank you.

He doesn't have children but has always got on brilliantly with mine.

When I separated from ExH the children and I ended up in rented accommodation for a while as he wouldn't leave the family home and he was so aggressive that we couldn't stay living together. His suggestion at the time was that I should let him keep the house and make myself intentionally homeless (because the council would have to give me a house then hmm). I think if the children's own father would do that to them to spite me,what would be stopping my boyfriend from doing the same? I'm being unfair to my boyfriend to think he'd be capable of doing that but I've got my children to think of.

Definitely a talk is in order. I shouldn't still be dwelling on these things after so many years.

Thank you all for taking the time to read and reply.

ImperialBlether Sun 19-Feb-17 20:02:57

What's his home situation like at the moment? Does he rent or own?

SandyY2K Sun 19-Feb-17 20:08:13

I don't think you're being mean and totally understand your fears.

Would he be giving up a rented or owned place?

I'd also like to retain full ownership of my own home and I'd feel like I was loosing it.

category12 Sun 19-Feb-17 20:12:57

Keep the house in your name. You do have to think about yourself and your dc's security. Go and talk to a solicitor or financial advisor and make sure you are protected. It's not silly to be worried, and it is fair to protect yourself.

Obviously he needs to contribute, but he doesn't need to have rights to the property, at least until you marry or have lived together for some time successfully.

Flantastico Sun 19-Feb-17 21:17:11

He'll be giving up an owned place: there's no equity in it. I'm so glad that you see where I'm coming from regarding keeping security for the children and me and that I'm not being entirely unreasonable.

He's away for work at the moment so I'll not be seeing him until the weekend. I will take the next few days to think about what I need to talk about with him.

Thanks all.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: