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How do you know when it's the end?

(18 Posts)
Stillintoyou Sun 19-Feb-17 18:08:52

Help! I'm feeling so confused and low and I just don't know what to do - wondering if this is the end of my marriage?

Bit of background, been with DH 15 years married for half of this, two children (youngest 7 mo). Both are our first loves.

We've had our ups and downs and I've looked for support on here at times. After my first born I had some trust issues after finding out something about DH (not cheating as such but still very hurtful in my eyes), we had marriage counselling and we pulled through the other side and got back to a relatively good time. Had second DC and had quite a traumatic birth, stitches and lot of blood loss so felt very week for weeks after.

So firstly despite knowing how unwell I was feeling and totally not up for sex my DH out an enormous amount of pressure on me to have sex after only 4 weeks. I have in but made it clear to him how much pain I was in. We stopped but he wanted to try again a couple of weeks later so twice before I'd even had my 6 week check. Again I gave in but again showed how much pain I was in. There felt like little sympathy for how I was feeling as long as his needs were being met. I can only feel such resentment for this time and how he put his needs before my welfare. I've raised this with him since and he just says 'you're bringing this up again!'. He is constantly putting pressure on me for sex despite knowing I'm exhausted and have absolutely zero sex drive. I give in occasional but its still not enough for him. He's smothering and is showering me is kisses and affection and had a go at me when I don't reciprocate- but whenever he touches me now I just want him to stop and I dont want to kiss him back, it feels forced all the time and he's noticed this. He tells me I should be flattered as all he wants is me and how much he loves me etc.
I'm worried that I'm falling out of love with him. I don't want to, I want us to go back to how we were, his sex drive never seemed this high before and we had a good relationship in the main. But I don't know how to get past this? I can't help but think these feelings stem from his pressure on those first few weeks, resentment for the way he treated me. Every bit of affection he shows I know wants to lead to sex. I can't trust that a kiss is just a kiss .
On top of this I'm feeling swamped with two kids, I've had one morning to myself in 7 months and weve had one date night together. I'm exhausted, I want me time. He goes to the gym at the weekend or currently is out go carting with his mates. And yet today I asked to stay home to sort house out on my own rather than go to MiL and his reaction was that I was just trying to get out of seeing her. I wasn't I just wanted to be in thr house alone!! We argued and its just horrible. My little one has seen us argue and gets upset when it happens, I told DH we should never argue in front of him again but he flies off the handle and I can't help but try to fight back. He later is all sweetness and roses and apologises saying how much he loves me etc but I'm tired of feeling like an underappreciated SAHM / sex slave!

I dont know what to do. I really dont want to split up, but how do I get through to him about his behaviour and get him to truly listen. I tell him all the time but he laughs it off. Or would others in this situation call it a day?

Help sad

Kikikaakaa Sun 19-Feb-17 18:13:22

I think I would call it a day based on the fact he has no respect for you and hasn't listened to anything you have said so far. I'm not sure telling him again is going to have the effect you need because he doesn't think he is wrong.

He sounds like a controlling horrible sex pest. I am not one bit surprised you do not want to have sex with such a gross letch who doesn't care if it hurts.
He sounds horrible. I'm not sure you can make him into the nice partner you would like.
Sorry flowers

Stillintoyou Sun 19-Feb-17 18:39:19


Moanyoldcow Sun 19-Feb-17 20:00:02

He sounds horrible. He has no respect for you, can't see you are obviously hurt and need support.

You are worth more than that. Why don't you want to split up? No partner is worth sacrificing your happiness and self-worth for.

(My first ever) LTB

Cricrichan Sun 19-Feb-17 20:09:47

Yuck. Why can't he look after the kids whilst you go to the gym or out with your friends? Why are you forced into sex when you don't want to and it hurts?

ImperialBlether Sun 19-Feb-17 20:13:49

Just to clarify - when you go with him to his parents' house, do you end up looking after the kids and chatting to his mother, while he sits with his dad and watches tv?

Stillintoyou Sun 19-Feb-17 20:15:08

I want to believe that this is just a bad patch like last time.
I don't know any different and the idea of being without him is more painful than being with him, does that make sense?!
I broke down once the other week and said I'd had enough and he seemed to change his tune for a couple of days and promised we would work through things, no real admittance that it is his behaviour that is making me feel so bad though sad

Stillintoyou Sun 19-Feb-17 20:23:36

To be fair, I've had a couple of evenings out with friends but not before I've put kids to bed so he's not had to have them as such.
He is reasonably hands on with kids (one at a time)when it suits but doesn't appreciate how much I do with two on my own. He wouldn't dare do half the things I do with two of them - go to shops, run errands, take kids to classes etc but hence doesn't understand how exhausting it is having two kids constantly with me. And then to have him smothering me its just overwhelming sad
Maybe it's me being unreasonable, a sexless marriage isn't good is it? How long did it take others after giving birth to get back to normal sex life?

F1GI Sun 19-Feb-17 20:25:03

I'm not sure that I would call it a day, based on the ages of your children. My kids are older now but when we had a baby and toddler, our marriage was in an appalling state. It is a horrendously stressful situation to be in. He obviously needs to stop being a sex pest and try to understand how it is actually making you want to have sex with him even less. He seems to be swanning off with his mates as though he has no kids and expecting to come back to a picture perfect family. Nobody does this, he needs to understand that it is bloody hard work and that he is required to share the load.

F1GI Sun 19-Feb-17 20:26:35

It not really about how long it takes others, eg I had no birth injuries so I was fine after a few days. It takes you how long it takes you and he needs to respect this!

Stillintoyou Sun 19-Feb-17 20:30:16

F1GI thats what I'm hoping, that it is just the stress of having DC and adjusting. sad

Montane50 Sun 19-Feb-17 20:33:02

But it isn't a long term sexless marriage op-if had an ounce of empathy he'd see you're struggling with reason and not opting for no sex just for the sake of it. I don't think its easy to compare with other people either tbh, we're all different with how we recover x

Kikikaakaa Sun 19-Feb-17 20:34:40

I'm my one for LTB in general but I just find it hard to see where he is going to suddenly grow some self awareness and humility towards you. Selfish people often don't know how to change. You can lay down very very firm boundaries though. Do not have sex with him ever again when you don't want to. And make it clear you don't want to. And tell him how the smothering is horrible and tell him the other ways he can help you, and try to listen to how you feel. If you aren't going to leave then you need to be upfront with him about what you would like from him and how you feel.
Then see if he is willing to put the effort in

Kikikaakaa Sun 19-Feb-17 20:34:58

*not one for LTB

Aderyn2016 Sun 19-Feb-17 20:46:32

He sounds like a right selfish bastard.
Over the years I have learnt not to judge by what people say but by what they do. Even when your h makes all the right noises and promises change, he doesn't actually do anything to improve. Hence bitching about you not going to mil (which you are not obliged to do btw. She is his mother, not yours) and buggering off out with his mates when he could have stayed and helped you.
Seems to me that he only cares about his needs being met and doesn't give a shit about whether yours are. Of course you don't want to sleep with him, why would you? Pain aside, he is not making himsrlf at all attractive to you with this behaviour.
Affection is not real affection if it is all about him and not at all about you.

On the basis of what you have written I would want out too.

flightygirlwoman Sun 19-Feb-17 21:16:45

You have my absolute sympathy and I am so sorry this is happening to you. It's not on and you mustn't suffer in silence.
I logged on here this evening looking for some support too and your situation sounds similar to that one I am in.
I am married with two young children. We have a lot of issues in our relationship. He allows himself a lot of freedom (time at the golf club, lots of weekends away with mates etc) which I dont mind in principle, but I do ask for respect and acknowledgement - instead he constantly picks at me, makes snarky remarks and points out my faults.
He was in an angry mood yesterday and treating me with the usual contempt, but also wanted sex.
I am open to intimacy if we are getting on well, chatting throughout the day and being affectionate - these are perfect conditions for me. But last night I felt intimated by his attitude and I think it is very wrong to force intimacy with someone you are angry with - it felt forced (as you describe, this isnt nice). This time I didnt 'give in' (i have often given in to the point where I feel sexually coherced) and as a result he got really nasty, insulted me and tried to intimidate me. He also said he doesnt want to be seen with me in public. Today he has hardly said a word to me (awkward with children around all day). I think he is expecting an apology..
I am shocked by how many stories there are online of men forcing their wives in to sex (cohercing, coming on too strong and simply ignoring their wives wishes). I feel really shitty and low today.
I am sorry to hijak this post - but I want you to know you're not alone. This type of behaviour seems to be common in relationships - especially at times when women are feeling vulnerable or overwhelmed.
On another note, I am sure your husband has his good points (like mine) and may be feeling lost, rejected and resentful of how hard family life can be (i think my husband feels like this and takes it out on me in various ways) - not saying it's right!!
I am sorry again. I wish i could give some advice. If you can find a few minutes each day to shut your eyes and put up an imaginary safety wall around you - find a safe place in your head to re-charge your batteries and dont loose sight of the strong and beautiful person you are - that person is still in there, regardless of the horrible circumstances going on around you. Take care flowers

Stillintoyou Sun 19-Feb-17 21:32:20

Flighty I'm so sorry you are in a similar situation, your post brought me to tears flowers I wish we weren't going through this and hope as other have said it could be the stress of young children and changed dynamics but it makes me sad when I hear of others who say when they had a baby their partners put no pressure on them, waited until they were ready etc that feels like the decent thing and when I know I didn't have that it's just awful. Sex has become this ominous task which I can't enjoy because I feel like I've been forced into it. My sex drive is at an all time low and I dont know if it's him, having a baby, hormones, the pill etc etc! I'm actually going to doctors next week to ask to come off the pill as I'm wondering if that's causing my low sex drive but then I'm angry at myself for trying to rectify a situation he has caused if that makes sense!
I really feel for you too though sad flowers not hijacked post at all, hopefully some advice will help your situation too x

pog100 Sun 19-Feb-17 22:07:21

You sound really articulate, thoughtful and analytical about everything including your relationship. However you seem to lack the experience to realise that this is not the way that a loving partner treats someone. You can do so much better either on your own or with a normal man. You have to make your feelings crystal clear to him and spell out the actual consequences of him treating you this way a moment longer, that you split.

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