Narc X kids & SS(14 Posts)
Need some perspective on this please - haven't been posting on here for a while as X has been using my posts in his court statements for finances in his attempt to destroy me but nonsense continues. NO doubt he will read this too.
DS/DD twins 16 in May. DS spends time with OW & her kids DD has had nothing to do with them. This is slowly driving a wedge between them as DS is taking full advantage of the situation and enjoying holidays, purchases etc that DD is not getting. ( think he is making up for always playing second fiddle to DD before split _ DD very much Daddys girl - which I know now is narcisstic supply.) situation had been tolerable up until xmas when X chose to spend time with OW on his normal contact time with kids and as a result DD didnt see him over Xmas and not until normal contact in new year. She often says X is chosing OW over her. Couple of weeks ago X told me he was taking DS to OW's home on his normal weekend and as DD wouldn't go she would have to be with me. Told him I had plans and he would need to take DS on one of my weekends as opposed to his. get nothing back from him - chase him yesterday for confirmation as to what is happening - still nothing which is normal "co-parenting". Today after I asked kids if they knew what was happening DD tells me she has arranged two sleepovers for weekend as X and DS are still going. I am beyond angry. A couple of weekends ago I found out X had taken DS to OW's (3 hour drive away) whilst DD was at sleepover (which i knew about ) but I only found out that X and DS were out of the area when DS text me to say he was going to be late back and I asked where he was. This was X's contact weekend and I did not know he was out of the area. If DD had needed me I would not have been able to help as I had been drinking. This sort of thing has happened before where X has not picked her up and she has rung me to collect her - (90 minute round trip) or he refuses to let her go somewhere and I end up taking her. It seems as though he deliberately tries to muck up my "free" weekends. I am under MH team - MH referred through to SS due to some of his previous antics and so there is a file on kids. I have also reported a situation to police involving DD as was getting pissed off with his control and the upset he was doing to her. DS at school looked up "how to kill yourself" X thought it was a prank. DS has been referred to Pcamhs but refused to attend after one session. I am seriously concerned about kids MH. divorce has been extremely acrimonious - I have been screwed financially. Kids are having to leave private school at end of this year as X is refusing to pay any more ( have had lots of hassle over fees and been into speak to school -kids have been used in emotional blackmail -says he cant afford it - bollocks!). they are facing a move from the family home sometime in the next year which may also be to a new area so i can maximise finances. This is their GSCE year - DD has just been on report =- her mocks weren't up to scratch and school are trying to encourage her. X tells them he is disappointed FFS! DD tells me the only time she is happy is when she is with friends - hates it at X's hates it here - would be at sleepovers every weekend if i let her but had to clamp down as she was not getting any sleep. X seems oblivious to all this - as long as nothing interferes with what he wants to do. DD is not well has been crying all day - to cap it all its his 50th today and out for a meal with OW & DS! Kids think I am overreacting as usual - my view is DD is not 16 - he will be 3 hrs away if anything happens and he thinks this is ok not to tell me, regardless of any plans I may have and she thinks its ok too - one of us is seriously fucked up here! and I am not an overprotective mother - I realise they need to grow up but is this pushing the limits? I have managed not to use the C word for sometime but it has been the word of the day!!
Stop stop stop.
If he is a narc you need to reel this way back in. I'm exhausted reading your post and I know narcs, they tie you in knots. (Been there and have a t shirt )
You need to only ever text with him on logistics to do with the kids and nothing else. Never respond to anything emotional and never try and blame him because he doesn't care and wants to have the fight.
Your dd and you need to communicate better and if she doesn't want to go then take responsibility for her plans otherwise you have something else to worry about.
The school thing well honestly you should tell him you don't care if they go to state school and let it happen but part of them being at private school is something he cares about (stays) so I doubt he will let that lapse.
With a narc in particular you need to care the least and you need to cut the communications right back.
It's a shit situation and I really feel for you but what are YOU doing to turn the drama down? You need to pick your battles rather than fighting over everything. It won't help your MH this level of stress.
Can't see anything that would class him as narc to be honest. Just a man with a new gf and wants to spend time with her and the children. Yes it may be too soon but that is up to him. Why doesn't your DD want to go? Does she feel she's being disloyal to you if she does? I think he's probably a bit blinded by love at the moment and can't see that he is driving DD away by constantly trying to involve her in his new partnership. Maybe have a word with him and explain how DD is feeling and ask if she could just have some quality time with him alone.
This is the classic 'never wrestle a pig' scenario, isn't it? You get covered in shit and the pig likes it. You need to stop wrestling your
X pig, OP.
didnt realise my post was so long and garbled - i am exhausted by it all - hes def narc - i havent been able to post because he reads it all and uses it against me. there have been ongoing contact issues for the last 2.5 years culminating in him not telling me he was 3 hours away and DD not telling me either. The drama is always caused by him - and is complicated by one child being ok with OW and other not. anyone who has read the lundy book will know that this is one of the tactics these abusers use - divide and conquer.
I guess ive just run out of stamina with it all - there is no communication - he tells me something is going to happen - i say no - and then nothing so i have to follow up - otherwise he springs things on me and whereas he will leave his DD "stranded" he knows I wont
Gosh. Detach, really for everyone's sake. If your dd doesn't want to go then that's up to her. Pain in the arse for you I know but you can't make either your ex or your dd see each other. Can't you just have a nice girly weekend at home with her?
Again I'm not sure why your ex and ds being away for the weekend (ok being at OW's must hurt..) is a biggie? Or why you'd need to rescue your dd from a sleepover? (If you did then a taxi if you're over the limit.)
And I didn't understand the bit about him not picking her up for contact and you therefore having to drive 90 mins to get her - wasn't she at yours?
At 15 let them arrange their own contact they're plenty old enough.
And going to a state sixth form is fine - plenty of kids change then anyway.
thanks for the replies - i guess ive not posted on here enough recently for people to see where im coming from. ill speak to GP and MH and see what they suggest.
It's not that green it's just that plenty of us have been with abusive exes or in my case a narc and you need to reel the Comms with him way back in. Stop responding to the drama he causes. It sounds like the key focus needs to be your dd and her taking control of when she does and doesn't want contact and if she doesn't she is with you or where you know she is.
I get it completely. Reading this has given me the same knot in my stomach that every horrible interaction with my narc ex gives me. Its very hard to convey the true picture, I know, and when you give the bare bones to people, it doesnt come across. No advice as such, Im afraid. In order to 'turn down' the drama, Im having a solicitor send a letter detailing what weekends are available to him (eow), and where and when the collection should be. He is not to contact me for the next six months. All contact has to go through solicitor for next six months. He cant act out with her as he does with me. At least, thats what Im hoping. Like this, there should be absolutely no need for any contact between us. Its so damned hard not to react to them, because their treatment of us is so bloody unfair. I too, have had numerous ss referrals by him, oh, and another one to the NSPCC. There is NO reasoning with them, theres no appeasing them, theres never going to be a public apology or a public vindication of you. The only thing to do is to take yourself out of the equation, almost. You HAVE to protect your own health and state of mind. Dont know if theres any way to apply that to your situation?
Detach, detach, detach. Detachment is the only way to deal with people like this. Getting wound up doesn't help you and doesn't help your DD, come to terms with having a difficult father. I know it's easier said then done but don't fuel a dysfunctional dynamic, this is who he is and what he does, being angry doesn't change that.
DD's Dad doesn't pay maintenance and its galling but for me, the emotional cost of being in contact/battle with him would be far higher than any financial gains. However, if that changes I will use the same tactics that worked so well in court last time, remaining calm and sticking to the facts and watch the judge get frustrated by his attempts to defend the facts by getting personal.
It's funny that once I got the measure of my Ex, it was so interesting watching him try so hard to be the victim and yes there were times when people (even people who should know better, counsellors etc) would buy his bs but the majority didn't. Supporting DD has been my main goal and that means leading by example and not getting sucked into his crazy.
Thank joell for your undestanding - how old are your kids It's bloody hard I thought now the financials are coming to an end it would peter out but now it seems it's going to be kids contact. I feel like ive been full on parenting this past 2 5 years as still do not get a complete break when he's with them still have to do their washing etc and they come back from his & raid the food cupboard and lately have been on standby as he's unrealiable in picking kids up from friends etc
No problem. Mine are 12 and 8. I know what you mean - he claims to anyone that will listen (and anyone that won't, too), that hes the far better parent (that would be due to me being evil, the worst mother in the world, a disgusting human being), and yet he can't even supply a toothbrush at his house, make the effort to pick them up etc. I've bent over backwards and taken the shit for six years as I have always felt a need to protect and promote their relationship with him. His favourite trick, you see, has always been to threaten to walk away from the kids if I didn't do EVERYTHING his way. I felt like he was just mad enough to do it, and would actually probably get off on it because he would finally be the ultimate victim of my wickedness. They're brilliant at being the victim. But now, I couldn't give a shit. He's become such a malignant presence in our lives that I'm not entirely sure they wouldn't be better off without him. Hence me finally standing up to him. This week, I'm guessing will bring his response. I have to admit I'm sitting myself a little bit... I get that if you've got the money sorted he will find something else to batter you over the head with. I know you're exhausted too; defending yourself constantly IS exhausting.
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