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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

How would your dp act?

15 replies

minion246 · 19/02/2017 16:20

I've had a breakdown and my relationship is on the rocks because of it. I was in a dv relationship for 13 years, i moved away and got on with life and met my current partner but now the past is having and effect on me. I'm suffering from depression and anxiety. Dp and myself had a huge falling out a few weeks ago and even tho we are trying to sort it out we still are not right. Dp said that he can't relax with me and that we won't get better until I start getting better and start getting back to my old self but I feel like I need his help to get better. We talk about it so he is here for me mentally but not emotionally as he has never been a cuddly person but I feel like I need it but he won't/can't. I know it's hard on him as I'm usually a lively person that just gets on with life and now I'm withdrawn, everything is an effort and I'm overthinking things. I just want to know how would your dp be if you was or have been through a tough time?

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fallenempires · 19/02/2017 17:22

That's such a sad OP.How long have you been together minion?

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noego · 19/02/2017 17:52

DP's tread on egg shells around someone who is suffering depression/anxiety for fear of saying the wrong thing. You need to be open about what he can say to you.
That way he will gain confidence in saying things around you. If you are both honest and open about feelings then you can both work through them together.
HTH's

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minion246 · 19/02/2017 17:55

We have been together for just over a year. We are very open on how we feel or what we think and discuss how we are daily. So do you think that I'm wanting too much from him?

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ElspethFlashman · 19/02/2017 17:59

My partner would give me lots of hugs and listen to me, BUT would tactfully try not to become my therapist.

Be careful not to want him to play that part.

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MsStricty · 19/02/2017 18:11

My partner would give me lots of hugs and listen to me, BUT would tactfully try not to become my therapist.

Be careful not to want him to play that part.

This, and your statement that "I feel like I need his help to get better" suggests that you need to go and get support to be able to help yourself out of this. Then decide if this relationship is really going to suit you, because it doesn't sound like he is the kind of person you want, and he probably won't change. And neither should he.

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minion246 · 19/02/2017 18:18

I am seeking support at the moment. I don't want him to change as I'm in love with who he is. Things were fine before our fall out so that's why I wondered if it was me being too sensitive. Dp has took a step back for the moment and I understand why. Thank you for making things clearer for me ☺️

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minion246 · 19/02/2017 18:20

MsStricty why does it sound like like I don't want him?

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HermioneJeanGranger · 19/02/2017 18:27

Aw OP, I feel for you.

You need to be careful not to use your DP as a therapist or as your only form of support. That's a big thing to ask of someone - he's not a professional, he's just your boyfriend and you can't expect him to hold you up all the time.

Have you seen someone about your depression/anxiety? What help are you getting outside of your relationship?

I hope that doesn't sound too harsh. I was in your position with my ex. I leant on him for support too much and it just got too much for him. I eventually got into therapy and that, along with anti-depressants, really helped me help myself, and not rely on DP as much.

I hope things get better for you.

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AnnieAnoniMouse · 19/02/2017 18:36

Dp and myself had a huge falling out a few weeks ago and even tho we are trying to sort it out we still are not right. Dp said that he can't relax with me and that we won't get better until I start getting better and start getting back to my old self but I feel like I need his help to get better

💐

What was the the row about? This or something else?

As hard as this will be to hear, and harder to act on, I honestly think that you should leave him. You are you. Your past us goas no to affect you for the rest of your life. You need to be with someone who accept tscthat and can love & support you during those times too, not someone who only wants you when you are 'your old self'. That's only part of who you are.

If you are a 'cuddler' you need to be with a fellow cuddler.

This relationship will bring you down.

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minion246 · 19/02/2017 18:38

My dp is the first man I've leant on so this even feels wrong in my eyes. Ive started taking antiD and should start counselling soon so hopefully I will improve as at the moment I only have dp and telephone calls to my family as I had to move away from them. Bring on counselling as I'm sick of feeling like this. I just hope I don't drive my dp away.

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minion246 · 19/02/2017 18:40

Annie no the row was over something else but then again I was depressed before the row and got a lot worse after.

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HermioneJeanGranger · 19/02/2017 18:41

Being able to talk to your DP is a good thing, but being overly-reliant on one person isn't healthy - it's good you recognise that, though.

The meds and counselling should really help, though :)

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minion246 · 19/02/2017 20:06

Yes dp is very big on having good communication :) hopefully everything will be fine once my counselling starts. Thank you

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MsStricty · 19/02/2017 21:17

What I meant by that is that it sounds like you want someone who is emotionally open and supportive, and he is not that, minion.

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minion246 · 19/02/2017 21:32

My dp is overly open and truthful and I think he is trying but is finding it difficult. He has said he feels like his walking on egg shells at the moment and I have wondered if I'm expecting too much from him, which by the replies that I've had it seems that I am and just to keep going and heal myself.