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Still trapped

(15 Posts)
Hutch2017 Sun 19-Feb-17 13:41:50

I've posted about my relationship before and although I doubt there is any advice anyone can really offer, maybe I'm just looking for some encouragement - having a bad day.
I'm trapped in a horrible relationship with 2 young boys. Been together 15 years. I'm stuck in this situation as I have no family here and we have just bought a house 6 months ago (biggest regret of my life). We owe my parents money for the deposit so can't sell the house as we will be in negative equity (and we're tied into a 2 year mortgage). Its a new build so no way would we get our money back and I need to pay my parents back before I do anything.
I'm at the point I think I might have some sort of breakdown because of how much I dislike my partner. I hate the way he treats me but even more so the way he treats the kids.
My plan was to wait until next September when we should have paid my parents back, might have a little equity in the house and both children are at school.
After the day I've had today, not sure I will survive that long.
I know people have said happiness is more important than money but leaving just isn't an option. No way would he leave if I asked him to either.
I've also thought about telling him its over and just living separately in the same house. Not sure if that would make things worse.
Things seem hopeless at the moment :-(

Unicornonmypants Sun 19-Feb-17 14:36:26

Is it worth trying Citizens Advice or Women's Aid? And/or doctors for yourself.

I feel for you. X

sunshinesupermum Sun 19-Feb-17 14:42:15

Please talk to your parents Hutch2017. The last thing I would want is my child worrying about money I had lent her when she is in such a dire situation as you are.

Hutch2017 Sun 19-Feb-17 15:07:36

Its not an abusive relationship as such so not sure woman's aid could help. I think I will mention the situation to my parents though, they know what he's like so doubt it will come as any surprise. They're probably more surprised I've stuck it out this long.
My partner is currently sat on the couch yawning as loud as he can (while I've had the kids all day). I'm struggling not to commit physical violence.

noego Sun 19-Feb-17 15:12:20

My kids know that any time they are in trouble my door is always open. I'm sure your parents are similar. Money owed or not.
What harm would it do to talk to them? Oh they may hurt your pride and say "I told you so" Big deal, you need to have the chat with them.

ImperialBlether Sun 19-Feb-17 15:13:54

What are your parents like? I would do anything to get my daughter out of a situation like that.

Hutch2017 Sun 19-Feb-17 15:34:39

My parents are great and very supportive. Maybe that's why I've not said anything - because I know they will help me and I feel guilty about that. I'm a grown woman now so don't like having to rely on help from them - its a case of 'I got myself into this'..... I suppose I just feel that if I can put up with this a bit longer, things will be much easier (for everyone).

noego Sun 19-Feb-17 15:44:28

What's that old saying. Pride comes before a fall. You need help!! so go to the people that love you the most.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 19-Feb-17 15:53:43

"..... I suppose I just feel that if I can put up with this a bit longer, things will be much easier (for everyone)".

Do not martyr yourself so. What would that achieve anyway; it just gives him more time to treat you all badly. Therefore no it won't be at all easier for you, or your children for that matter. And why should you all have to put up with this from him; this is also affecting your children markedly. Is this really what you want to teach them about relationships, that yes this is how people really behave?. Its damaging to them as well as you. Do not let your pride get in the way here.

Why do you state your relationship is not abusive as such?. Abuse does not just have to be physical in nature; there are many types of abuse.

Living together as well in the same house is really a recipe for disaster; make a clean break from him and asap. Do not wait until next September; make plans to leave asap and get your parents onside. They sound supportive and will help you; they don't want to see you and their grandchildren live like this.

Womens Aid may be worth talking to as well; their number is 0808 2000 247.

Hutch2017 Sun 19-Feb-17 20:47:41

Thank you everyone. I have lots of things to think about. Its nice hearing supporting words too!

Jellyboobs Mon 20-Feb-17 22:16:31

Thanks for posting this.
In same situation with house, except it's his parents money. Had gut feeling pre-purchase that I shouldn't go ahead with it, and now I dread coming home.
DP speaks to DD like crap, I can see the hurt/fear in her eyes, she's only 5. Wish I'd never done this.

Hutch2017 Tue 21-Feb-17 07:39:31

Oh no I'm so sorry!! It's a horrible situation to be in. Do u have family near u?
My partner seems to take pleasure in upsetting me - I can see it in his face and I wake with anxiety every morning now.
Surely if it's his parents money it makes it slightly easier? Tell him u want to sell the house and it his problem that he owes his parents money!
I'm thinking of contacting an estate agent soon just to see what they think I could get for the house. I'm not hopeful though.

loinnir Tue 21-Feb-17 09:31:03

Can you afford to stay in the house without him? You might be entitled to some help (tax credits, eventually HB mortgage interest) or could you get permission from the mortgage company and rent the house out - there may be a small surplus that would help repay the deposit. Was the deposit acknowledged as being from your parents (legally as a loan?)

Sometimes you just have to suck up a big money loss for the sake of sanity. Tell your parents since they are supportive.

Hutch2017 Tue 21-Feb-17 09:50:16

I think I would struggle to afford the mortgage payments on my own although not worked out the exact figures yet in terms of what I could get in terms of tax credits.

There is no way I'd be able to persuade him to leave though, I know what he;s like. He would be financially 'up the creek' on his own as he doesn't earn a great salary so he would struggle to rent on his own (and he knows this).

I've recently thought about renting out the house as a friend of mine has had to do this when she split from her husband. I'd have to check my mortgage would allow and this would be a last resort.

I think I need to get an estate agent round to value the house because its all assumptions at the moment. Just discovered another house on my estate is up for sale (2 years after they bought it) and they are asking £28k more than they paid for it!!!!! Can;t imagine they would get that but its given me a bit of hope (its a different style house though).

Jellyboobs Sat 25-Feb-17 07:46:08

I don't have family nearby, no.
I've actually spoken to him this week about how I feel and he promised to change his behaviour. He promised me a few days rest as he always stays in bed until at least 10 while I get up at 6 every day with our daughter. Today is day two of my rest and he's yelled at her already and stormed off downstairs with her. Nice.

I do hope you can get that great price for your house, that would be amazing!

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