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what do i do? advice and links to things that may help needed

(7 Posts)
Areasonablegal Sun 19-Feb-17 13:27:09

So, my dh and i have been together 15 years, married 3 and have one dc who is 18m and one due in a few weeks.

Our relationship has gone down the pan and im constantly being told im useless, lazy, slovenly, a cunt, a bitch etc (all in front of our dc which breaks my heart as i grew up in a broken home and can see where this needs to go 😢). Should have seen it coming. He was abusive verbally and physically earlier in our relationship then stopped after i reported him to the police for hitting me. Things went really good, we got married and the pregnant and it started going shit. It climbed back up and we got pregnant again. Now i feel unloved, trapped and guilty for bringing a child and another on way into such a shit environment.

So, im currently heavily pregnant, not working as i was made redundant from my old job whilst on mat leave with dc1.

I have no savings, my 'dh' controls our joint bank accounts and i get a small weekly allowance.

Today i was told that all we have between us now is our dc (ignoring that im heavily pregnany with dc2) and that he is 'done' and doesnt care for me anymore.

He does this so routinely lately that i can barely feel anything anymore. Obviously im upset but i am trying to just think about the baby im carrying and avoiding the stress.

We own a house jointly. I have no family support at all and no close friends that i could rely on to help me.

In the current absence of financial independence and any help, my current plan is to stick it out until dc2 is born. Get back into a good job by the time they turn 6 months then leave - knowing i can pay for childcare etc and gef a place of my own when the house is sold. I dont want to stay in this house as my inlaws are all on the doorstep and hate me (because actually, they arent nice people!)

kateshair Sun 19-Feb-17 13:50:13

Hi there this sounds really awful ! Poor yousad..
Is there no way he would leave ?
I'm guessing not from the picture you have painted.
As you have joint accounts you are entitled to take money out of said accounts. Can you just do this ? Then use the money to rent alone ?
I left an awful relationship a few years ago - similar to yours.he wouldn't leave so I did. A lot easier for me as I was working and have managed to save a small amount to start me up. However ex refused to sell our house and it took an age to sort but it happened in the end..
I was entitled to some housing benefit you may well be also ?
When he was violent was all this logged ?
Sending you hugs as I know how hard all of this is x

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 19-Feb-17 13:58:53

If he is indeed done then call his bluff and plan your exit from this dysfunctional and abusive relationship asap. You need decent legal advice from a Solicitor who is well versed in the manipulative ways of such men like your H.

Getting a good job will take time and in the meantime you will also continue to suffer at his hands.

This relationship however was well and truly over years ago; he was abusive before you married also. Your own childhood from the little you write of it was not ideal either; it is probably this that also led you into the arms of this individual in the first place. He targeted you and deliberately so as well.

Was it his idea in the main to bring another child into this?. Some abusive men do like using children as a way to keep their intended victim barefoot and pregnant. He is being abusive to you and your children on multiple levels; there is emotional, physical and financial abuse present. I am not at all surprised to see that your inlaws are rotten as well; the rotten apple that is he did not fall far the rotten tree.

Womens Aid can and will help you leave; it will also do your children no favours at all to grow up within such an abusive household. Look at the emotional harm that caused you as well; they cannot afford to learn the same.

Holly3434 Sun 19-Feb-17 14:00:27

Phone women's aid, get out now. 6 months it'll be back to being nice then shit again. Women's aid will help you get out, get benefits sorted so immediately you can be safe and money to have baby. Then it's a solicitor after all of that.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 19-Feb-17 14:01:32

Womens Aid number is 0808 2000 247. I would also contact the Rights of Women on 020 7251 6577

Areasonablegal Sun 19-Feb-17 14:58:14

Thank you x

noego Sun 19-Feb-17 15:28:55

Links/people that may help.

Women's aid.
National domestic violence help line.
GP. Referral to emergency therapy.
Samaritans for emotional support. Use Samaritans to off load, vent, discuss options.
Financial advisor.

There is always someone on the end of a phone.
HTH's sweetie, you need to move and move quickly.

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