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Dh moves my stuff around(18 Posts)
I feel upset and annoyed.
My dh during the 14 years or so we've lived together as a couple WILL NOT STOP moving my stuff. Nowadays I'm lucky - he used to throw my things away.
He came to live in my family home with myself and dh years ago. imagine my confusion when expensive items went missing and he admitted to chucking them our or medicine to be ket in the fridge was found ina cupboard this dangerous to still use!!
I've always been so busy, running a business and with two small children one with SN, when i lived alone I always knew where EVERYTHING was and could put my hand on it.
I have cried, shouted told him i cannot live with him just re-homing things as he chooses. He will apologise but hey presto, as if my magic it ALWAYS happens again. He likes all surfaces to be clear but although that LOOKS nice he will just put anything absolutely anywhere.
He also used to throw my birthday or xmas chocs away or give them to one of the kids if he had had enough because he binges on sweet thing but I always used to just want to eat a couple at a time over a few weeks. No they have to be got rid of once he has finished having what he wants of them.
I've also told him, when we pack to go somewhere, not to do things like put outside shoes on top of my coats or cloths (there could be traces of anything on them) he still does this and will not stop.
When a man recently came to change our electric meter, he cleared my fishtank accessories out of the cupboard which are ket in the same cupboard the meter is in, and put the mall back - fine but he took a very small device which I use clean the bubble tube of the fish tank and he walked to the shed - which is not even close to the house, and put it in a different box and stashed it in there.
His excuse was that 'there was too much stuff in the kitchen' - well this item is for one thing, rather small so not much difference to space savedthere, for another thing there is actually loads of room in the cupboard where it goes, and for another, I would expect it to be to hand when I open the cupboard in the middle of cleaning out my tank because that is where it LIVES!!
I feel so disrespected and it makes me feel confused, like I'm losing my mind when small essential things just go missing, not to mention important paperwork at times.
In one argument when, yet again, I couldn't find something when it wasn't exactly where i keep it he said 'Alright, alright, stop shouting, just ASK'. I do not want to ASK for something when I KNOW exactly where I keep it just because he decided to put it in the attic or something.
It just feels so rude. I don't want to leave him for it although i nearly did at first when I felt he was taking over my carefully run household, it's not the worst thing he could do but I just HATE it so much.
I used to be a person who ran a house with two small children by myself and knew where to find everything, now, I could not tell you where certain important items are because i imagine they will not be where I left them and they will have moved several times since I last saw them.
I've mostly stopped cooking now the kids are grown up and gone, he can't cook but kept on moving my utensils and changing the cupboard so i couldn't put my hand on thngs when i needed. He doesn't always even put them away tidy, he just sort of crams things in somewhere where i don;t want them. I always said to him, whoever cooks the meals gets to decide where the utensils live ...but no.
I love dh an he is mostly kind and supportive and loves me but he just can't stop doing this and I can't cope with the confusion.
Just for further info, he has over the years been upset with hims self and blamed it on OCD, which I do think he has slightly, but it makes me so very upset and feel like my homes not my own. I think it's so presumptious to move someone else's belongings around, I would never presume to move his, I don't like how he has HIS stuff all the time but wouldn't move it out of respect for him.
I'm off the the gym to unwind a bit now but if anyone has advice for me I'd be grateful.
Sorry op not much help but maybe he does have ocd and should be going to the GP. I can see it is frustrating for you, understandably so.
I do believe it is a form of ocd as its not the most 'normal' thing to do.
Is he controlling in any other areas of your life at all?
If you really don't want to leave I would invest in some big, lockable cases for your important documents. Maybe have a locked cupboard in the kitchen. Put anything that you use frequently in these places and resolve not to get so bothered about other items.
You sound more obsessive than he does. You seem to have very specific requirements with regards to where items are kept.
He just sounds insensitive and forgetful.
Buy the lock box. Lock the cupboard.
Hi OP I feel your pain - whether your DH has OCD or not it's really annoying to go for something and find it has been moved.
I would suggest moving a few of his important things to a new home and when he asks you where they are you can tell him. If he shows any sign of irritation you can say "annoying isn't it when things are moved."
He might then realise how it makes you feel.
Since this has been happening for such a long time I'm sure you've tried a lot of solutions. So forgive me if this has already been tried and not worked.
But have you tried agreeing on where things live? Literally going through every shared room in the house and labelling (discreetly - perhaps on the inside) what will be housed in that drawer or cupboard or shelf or box?
Could everything have a "home"/correct place to live and you both agree where that is so if he wants to tidy up he has to put in the correct place?
I couldn't cope with such shellfish behaviour tbh DH threw a few things away that he didn't think were important, we now agree that he can put stuff to one side and "make" me go through them and agree what can get binned/given away etc. A few times he just didn't know what stuff was for and assumed it was unimportant
Wow, it all sounds very difficult. I've had issues with my DP over the years but really minor by comparison. I would definitely start practising detachment. I don't mean this flippantly, but when we have a lot of resistance to something, we tend to attract it.
Other than that... A very dear friend of mine was with her lovely and much-loved partner for about 30 years before she died. They lived apart. It worked for them.
Good luck with it.
Just to add, in case you haven't done this. My DP and I agreed upfront that we would never bin each others stuff. I have also made it clear that I am in charge of where stuff goes and that works for him too. Just some ideas...
When my husband and I started living together I had a bit of this going on. Not as bad though, but if I left stuff out he threw it away. I kept telling him to stop it and he didn't, so I told him I'd cut his favourite cashmere jumper up if he ever did it again. He did it and then couldn't believe it when I cut his very expensive jumper up in front of him. Told him that for everything of mine he binned I'd cut up another item of clothing. He genuinely never did it again.
I'd do what the previous poster said and do it to him. When he sees you're serious and will keep moving his stuff, he will soon stop.
For what it's worth, I think part of it is passive aggressive trying to annoy you. The fish tank thing is a prime example of that.
I do this,I can't stand mess, I don't have ocd I just like my house to be organised, clutter free and clean. Cleaning around stuff is so annoying. I tell my dp that if he doesn't want stuff to be moved then he should put it away.
I'd go mad about throwing things though that's just unfair,, I'd also be hiding my chocolate, that would be a deadly offence in ny house lol. Enjoy the gym sounds like you need to get that anger out,.
Totally get you OP. My DH used to do similar (not quite as bad) and eventually responded (a bit) to me going crazy when I couldn't find something again.
But my DH has a family history involving OCD and definitely has tendencies. So I let it go a bit, for some things and he made an effort for some others..and I get annoyed about the rest
The shouting doesn't really work though, because we can't should as much as the compulsion is strong. You definitely need some things that are 100% under your control and he can't touch (important documents would be one). If he can't respect that then I would suggest you both visit the GP together (not him alone, because you can give an important insight on what's happening).
Also, is there a time when he is worse? Like when he's stressed about work? Or something else? Figuring out any patterns can also help.
But, and this is important, it's his problem to solve. You can be with him and assist, but any changes have to come from him. Don't wear yourself out with it.
Do you think it is definitely the OCD and not just him being malicious? Because surely that's the first thing to figure out.
Omfg i can feel my blood pressure rising just reading your post!
Im like you - a place for everything and everything in its place. Also look after your things and they will look after you.
I have to hide the nail clippers because dh never put them back and didnt care that they were lost. I bought new then found the originals.
It doesnt help that dh is dislexic and cannot understand the very simple concept of SYSTEMS.
I think if it was as extreme as yours is I would offer him a choice of seeking diagnosis and treatment or getting a divorce.
The bottom line is that he doesnt care enoigh about you or your time. Hos need for a clean surface is more important than your need to know where your things are.
Good test question: does he do this at work?
Sounds more like a control issue than OCD. If he moves things you have to ask him where they are so he gets to choose to give your things back to you.
I love the idea of cutting up or binning something of his every single time he moves something of yours
If you are the one who looks after the fish tank you should decide where bits go. Why can't he get such simple rule.
Obviously you need to know where everything is!
alsodoI am so grateful to you all and will process all these answers, I promise. This has been so helpful to know I'm not alone and three are answers to this
Also do salute you Bluntness, I do agree with what you did to save your possessions!
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