The all-too-common story: split from and now having to co-parent with abusive ex. He was sexually and financially abusive but is a real bloody charmer so the added kick in the teeth is that I'm pretty sure he's got the whole world believing he's some sort of Saint (not really relevant, but it does rub salt in the wound).
Long and short of it is that he is EXTREMELY passive aggressive, particularly by text. I really really try to detach but these acts of passive aggression are getting me down so much. I've been in a deep depression and had some pretty bad anxiety but overall really proud of how I've kept going. Except every time I feel I'm getting somewhere an exchange with him leaves me 4 steps back.
Recent examples, to paint a picture, are that he basically promised the kids they could do an activity they like on one of my 'contact days' we're currently split 50/50 'technically' but this is a story for another day 
). So I have no option but to accommodate it this time so as not to upset the DC, but made it clear that going forward he would have to stick to this activity on 'his' time (it's not a club or anything you need to commit to), and that if this was became regular it would mean the DC missing out on seeing their GPs and cousins as this is when we get together (close family! Plus the DC love seeing their cousins so it's not like I'm blocking them doing something nice for the sake of it iyswim). So the reply I get is along the lines of 'well I'm not telling them, you can tell them you don't want them to go' (to the activity). I just didn't reply. And of course, he'll go around armed with his sob story of he his heartless exW put a stop to him doing something lovely with the DC out of spite yadda yadda and yet again I'm the bad guy.
It's the constant constant little digs and passive aggressive gripes and swipes. I'm so worn down by it - it feels like I'm constantly dodging burning arrows. So far I've mainly ignored, have bitten once or twice though. How can I stop this from affecting me? It is like water torture on my MH.
He has also succeeded in getting my tax credits suspended by making counter claims that now have to be looked into by HMRC, which has taken FOREVER, all because I refused to pay his childcare costs for one of the two weekdays he has the DC (I provide (free) childcare for him on the other day). So it's not helping I'm pretty much on the breadline AGAIN because of him, when I'd worked so hard to escape his financial control. Seems like no matter what I do he'll always be there, controlling me. Whenever I build my little tower he comes along and kicks it over.
Sorry it's been a long one, the floodgates opened a bit there 
any advice on how I manage this from here would be so SO gratefully received. If it was just messages I could easily ignore, but there are so often real consequences to his malicious / calculated actions that I have deal with and then it's topped off with a nice dollop of goadiness. It's breaking me 
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How do I cope with passive aggressive ex?
watermelongun · 19/02/2017 10:27
I don't care what he says. But his actions and words are getting me down. They just are. It feels like no matter what I do - he's got the upper hand, and I need help to change that. I'm doing my best and failing
I have put my foot down re: arrangements for the kids in the past, but my DD got so upset with the nursery/dropoff service he was using that I restarted doing it myself. Rather than try to manage her feelings on going, he kept telling her that she had to go but that she should ask mummy. So basically using DD as a way to manipulate me. DD was threatening suicide in the end, was really truly distraught (she's 7 ). Of course ex was repeatedly pitching to me that I was so selfish making her endure something she hated etcetc. I literally had no option.
I am able to control my actions, and i do - I don't bite, I ignore, I'm polite and detached, but what I struggle with is the effect it's having on me. How can I stop it from getting to me? I know I sound pathetic. I am.
Just seen your last post, I'm sorry your DD is so affected by it all, that must be heartbreaking for you does her school have access to a councillor or child psychologist?
I'm going to make that my mantra I think jeaux. I just need to care the least. That feels doable. That way if he's being a prick I can have a small victory to myself that he's bothered enough to actively try to get a rise out of me. Caring the least will be a little two fingers up then won't it.
Chic I had started to do a few gym classes and found it helpful. But he managed to put the kibosh on that by messing up my tax credits so I now can't afford it at the moment 
I suppose I could go for a run or something instead, work out the anger physically. And I really like the suggestion of another phone. I'll do that.
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