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Marriage after a termination - is this salvageable?

(23 Posts)
Hermagsjesty Sun 19-Feb-17 08:30:51

My DH and I have been together 12yrs - 2DC aged 3 and 5. I have always wanted more children - he doesn't. When our youngest was 1 I fell unexpectedly pregnant. After much heartache, we took the decision to terminate. I have struggled with the decision ever since. I've been unhappier and therefore snappier and our marriage has become strained. We already struggled with arguments over to ways to raise our DC as we were brought up quite differently (his parents were less hands on and stricter and I often feel his expectations of the DC are too high). This difference of opinion has got worse since the termination. One of the reasons DH doesn't want more DC is he gets quite jealous of the time and attention I give the kids. He often says I don't put enough effort into our relationship and we need to do more stuff the two of us. However, I feel this is presented as an extra pressure on me - he never actually suggests/ organised anything specific. The last 2 times we went out, I booked it/ organised babysitter and I feel like he then spends the whole time we are out going on about how we don't do it enough/ how much better it is when the kids aren't around. He is a good Dad - loving and fun - although it is often on his terms, for example in the park he'll suddenly announce "I'm bored now, we're going". He pulls his weight with cooking etc and has worked hard on being around and involved more (as this is something we talked about). He's good company - he makes me laugh and listens when I talk about work or whatever. But, I feel more anxious and on edge when he's around. I don't think our marriage is "good enough" for him and I think he blames me. Anyway, we were arguing about all this last night and I snapped and said "I had an abortion I didn't want because I knew it was what you wanted, what more do you want from me?". I know I shouldn't have said it. I know that's an unfair burden to put on the marriage -but I can't unsay it. He was quite nasty in response but I know that is because he was very shocked and hurt. Does any of this sound redeemable?! He has already agreed to go to counselling together.

Hermagsjesty Sun 19-Feb-17 08:32:20

Sorry this is so long!

PurpleWithRed Sun 19-Feb-17 08:35:22

Go to counselling. Agreeing to that is a start.

MrsDustyBusty Sun 19-Feb-17 08:35:37

So when you say "we" made the decision, he made the decision and you implemented it, right? No wonder you feel resentful and no surprise that it colours your relationship.

Have you told him how unhappy you are?

bakingaddict Sun 19-Feb-17 08:37:45

I think you'll need couples therapy to see if your marriage can go on after your abortion. Your marriage might not survive this but at least you've tried everything before calling it a day

Offred Sun 19-Feb-17 08:38:57

I don't know whether it is redeemable.

You are walking on eggshells and afraid to tell him the truth. I think you should have told him what you did as it is the source of your resentment. He sounds a bit like a controlling bully TBH.

picklemepopcorn Sun 19-Feb-17 08:39:54

I don't think it was a wrong thing to say. I think he has not realised how much of your marriage is on his terms and is still not satisfied. Counselling may help him realise that he is not the caring sharing bloke he thinks he is. However, he may not want to stay in a marriage where you don't want everything he wants.

chillx Sun 19-Feb-17 08:47:31

Has your DH now had a vasectomy as he clearly doesn't want more children or is he leaving it up to you? Are you expected to go through it all again?!

FourToTheFloor Sun 19-Feb-17 08:52:28

I think it wasn't so much what you said but the way you said it to your dh that was horrible. You said you both decided, you must have thought on some level it was the best decision for that time.

Did you have counselling before the termination? I've had cbt for an event I struggled to come to terms with and it was really beneficial for me and I was very skeptical going into it.

Maroonie Sun 19-Feb-17 08:52:53

Have you had counselling to deal with your feelings about the abortion?
It sounds like your are blaming him because you regret the decision

Hermagsjesty Sun 19-Feb-17 09:06:15

I haven't had any counselling around the termination but I realise I need to. I do think there is an element of me blaming him for my own regrets.

Phoebefromfriends Sun 19-Feb-17 09:27:37

Has he had a vasectomy now? Tbh you shouldn't feel as though you are walking around on eggshells with your husband. I agree with offred that he sounds like a bully and everything has to be about him, which is childish.

Definitely get some counselling for yourself and then consider whether you really want to continue in this relationship.

Hermagsjesty Sun 19-Feb-17 09:57:14

He hasn't had a vaesectomy - we have talked about it. Although, to be honest part of me is still clinging on to the hope of another child at some point. Which I understand is probably very unfair and unrealistic of me. I guess I'm worried that we fundamentally want different things from
family life - but maybe it's impossible to work through those issues until I've properly dealt with my own grief/ guilt around the termination.

Softkitty2 Sun 19-Feb-17 10:21:01

He sounds like he is in comepetetion with the children for your time which shouldn't be the case.

Try Counselling. You shouldn't feel on edge when he is around.

TwoLeftSocks Sun 19-Feb-17 10:32:49

Could you do with counselling on your own before counselling as a couple?

Hermagsjesty Sun 19-Feb-17 16:52:25

I did wonder about whether I should have counselling on my own first but I think we're at the point where we really need an outside party to help us communicate our feelings more effectively - I might explore whether I could/ should also get separate counselling re the termination alongside... I don't know if that would be counter productive or not... We've actually had a really lovely day with the DC today, when it's good it's really good but when it's not so good things seem to get very heated, very quickly.

TheElephantofSurprise Sun 19-Feb-17 20:41:04

First get counselling for yourself re the termination. And anything else that comes up.
Then see whether you want to bother going into counselling with him, or not.

JennyHolzersGhost Sun 19-Feb-17 20:44:52

I think you need counselling for yourself as a priority OP.
You said it because that's how you feel and that's ok. Feel it. Say it. You're entitled to. I'm sorry about that flowers
Please do seek counselling for yourself in the first instance and don't make it primarily about your marriage - make it about YOU smile

JennyHolzersGhost Sun 19-Feb-17 20:45:17

I think you need counselling for yourself as a priority OP.
You said it because that's how you feel and that's ok. Feel it. Say it. You're entitled to. I'm sorry about that flowers
Please do seek counselling for yourself in the first instance and don't make it primarily about your marriage - make it about YOU smile

EweAreHere Sun 19-Feb-17 20:51:34

I think individual counselling would serve you best initially. You need to come to terms with your abortion, your relationship, and what you want before bringing him in.

What wouldn't be good, tbh, is to keep hoping for another baby with him (the no vasectomy yet) until you decide if this is the man/dad you want to stay with for you/your children. Right now he doesn't sound like a great husband or father. Maybe it's salvageable, maybe it isn't, but adding another child to the mix under the current state of affairs doesn't sound like the best idea.

Tevin Sun 19-Feb-17 21:20:56

flowers for you OP. It sounds as if counselling just for you to come to terms with things and sort things out in your own head first would be a good idea.
I terminated a wanted (but v unexpected) third pregnancy but in very different circumstances as I was life threateningly ill with it and even though I had no realistic choice it still made things strained between DH and I for a while and the counselling I had was the best thing I ever did.
Take some time to sort out your feelings about things before working on moving forward in your marriage as it sounds like you still need to process the termination properly and I think if you have marriage counselling it'll be glossed over as 'well you wanted to have a termination too' without any acknowledgment of the pressures and difficulties you faced.

Hermagsjesty Sun 19-Feb-17 21:23:16

Thanks for all your comments. Rationally, I absolutely know that haventcabothee child would not be the right - but I feel such an intense longing to have another (I guess it is probably connected to the abortion and probably something I should address in counselling)

Hermagsjesty Sun 19-Feb-17 21:24:44

Sorry - bizarre typos above. What I meant to say was:

Thanks for all your comments. Rationally, I absolutely know that having another child would not be the right thing - but I feel such an intense longing to have another (I guess it is probably connected to the abortion and probably something I should address in counselling),

Thankyou all again.

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