Help - fallout with DH

[Teardrop8]

My husband has been away with work and returned home today. We had a lovely day with our children but I was feeling a little neglected. Anytime I was chatting to him, he'd be on his phone, watching tv, generally interested. If I asked him about his trip or anything about him, he'd be very chatty.

Tonight once our kids were in bed, we sat down to a takeaway. I went into the kitchen to clean the plates and he came in and hugged me and told me he loved me. I said to him I felt he'd been a bit distant with me. He lost it and started getting annoyed at me for "ruining his night" by starting this. Just FYI, I didn't want to start anything and didn't even think it was a massive deal but just one of those things I think you should be able to talk about in a relationship. I got upset with him for flying off the handle and about 5 minutes later, he apologised but he went on to explain why it made him angry. I sort of tutted at one of his reasons (which I now can't remember for the life of me, but it was a complete cop out). He then got angry again and said "don't huff and puff at me".

As a bit of background info, if we're ever having a disagreement and he's talking, if I tut, shake my head, or react in any way shape or form while he's talking, he gets extremely upset by this. These are all things that he does when he disagrees with me and I'm pretty sure are just very normal reactions when someone is saying things you don't agree with. It's as if I've just to stand their without any expression and listen to him saying things that are entirely redicoulous. (I've tried to do that and it's honestly pretty much impossible).

I've told him I find this very controlling and upsetting as it's as if I'm not allowed to have any emotion at all.

I'm now downstairs sleeping on the couch while he's quite happily off to bed upstairs. I feel like shit. Is this me? Am I the problem here?

[PlugUgly]

How long has he been away? I used to think it would be all hearts and flowers when my husband came back and used to feel hurt that he didn't seem to make the effort I thought the occasion warranted, if he has been away a while it also takes time to readjust to each other, so you might have been a bit over sensitive.
Big BUT though is having to control your mannerisms when he's talking is ridiculous! You are not being unreasonable and he needs to get used to it.

[ElspethFlashman]

It's impossible to tell.

But I have to say if I was trying to plead my case and my husband tutted or shook his head - interrupted in a dismissively in other words - I'd hate it. Absolutely hate it.

You can have a row whilst managing to let them get to the end of a sentence, of course you can.

[Teardrop8]

He says that I'm being ridiculous, of course I'm allowed to react but these particular things are rude when he's trying to explain something to me.

The problem for me is, trying to explain why me saying "I feel like you're being a bit distant with me" made him angry is just ridiculous. That's something I should be able to say without worrying he'all get really offended. Unless maybe I'm being unreasonable?

[pocketsaviour]

if we're ever having a disagreement and he's talking, if I tut, shake my head, or react in any way shape or form while he's talking, he gets extremely upset by this.

If he's telling you how he feels, then tutting or head-shaking seems very disrespectful to his feelings. (And the same from him to you of course.)

[Waitingforsleep]

He obviously wanted a bit of how's you father and you put a stop to that in the kitchen? Not sure about the tutting bits of this though

[WhooooAmI24601]

His apology wasn't an apology. An apology which comes with "I'm sorry but this is why I had to..." is a bullshit apology made to appease the listener not convey that you're genuinely sorry for your actions. I hate it, it's false and pointless.

Does he often try to dismiss your emotions and feelings? If so, he's a dick and YANBU.

[Teardrop8]

I totally understand your points. But I calmly told him how I was feeling. He flew off the handle, then apologised but tried to justify why he flew off the handle. Hence the reason for the headshaking.

If he was telling me his point of view about something that was upsetting him, I would never shake my head or tut.

[Teardrop8]

I'm literally not allowed to shake my head or "huff and puff" as he calls it or he says "don't huff & puff at me" in a very assertive manner which I find upsetting.

[FritzDonovan]

You're not alone in this - my OH is away with work a lot, the longer he's away the more difficult he finds it to fit back into the humdrum family life, cue many arguments. He also is quick to 'try it on' as soon as possible when back, regardless of whether I'm knackered from single parenting for ages. He is also increasingly overbearing and finds it difficult to adjust to me/kids disagreeing with him when he gets back. He doesn't get this while away, must be a big blow to his ego . Hopefully your oh will calm down when he realises work colleagues and family members are completely different!

[NumbNelly]

So your husband has been on a work trip so is presumably tired and you want him to fawn all over you and you pick a moment when he is finally giving you what you want to broach it?
Then when he's explaining how he feels you do something you know upsets him then you can't understand why he's annoyed?
My ex used to tut while I was talking. It's so rude and dismissive. In the end I just bottled it up because I couldn't deal with feeling like my opinions were invalid.

[seven201]

If my dh tutted at me I think I'd lose my shit. I think you both didn't handle the argument well.

[theothercatpurred]

Teardrop8 I don't know why you're getting such a hard time here, perhaps people think they're in AIBU.

I'm assuming you mean to say "not interested" in your OP?

It sounds to me like it's all about him. He did act distant but then when you mentioned it his reaction was to shout at you not acknowledge his actions or how they affect you.

He does sound controlling. Dies he ever listen without getting angry if you mention things he's doing that make you feel bad?

[theothercatpurred]

NumbNelly what kind of surrendered wife bullshit is this?

Presumably the OP is tired from having the DC on her own. Why do his needs trump hers?

Why are you interpreting the OP expecting not to be ignored when she speaks and expressing how it made her feel as "you want him to fawn all over you"

Why are you completely dismissing the feelings of the OP as if they don't matter? Assuming the DH is tired but not the OP?

Are you the DH? A MRA? Or just conditioned to think men's feelings matter more than women's?

[NumbNelly]

theother so it's acceptable for the OP to tut at her husband when he's explaining his feelings.
Where have I said men's feelings matter more? You've really scraped the bottom of the barrel to come up with that pile of horseshit haven't you.
The OP says when she spoke to him he seemed interested and chatty. Hardly ignoring. Nice try though 😂

[theothercatpurred]

NumbNelly I suspect there is a typo in the OP as Teardrops meant to say her DH was not interested when she spoke as it makes more sense in context - read it back and you should see what I mean. Her point seems to be that she felt neglected because her DP was only interested in talking about himself. However even if I got that wrong, she also said:

• she felt neglected
  
• her DH was on the phone or watching TV when she tried to speak to him
  
• her DH, "lost it", was "angry" and "flew off the handle"
  
• he didn't really mean it when he apologised for getting angry (still justifying his actions)
  
• she finds her DH controlling and feels she's not allowed to express her feelings
  

You haven't explicitly said you think her DH's feelings matter more than the OP's, but you have demonstrated it by completely ignoring the things he is doing that affect her and focusing only on her tutting at him.

Why would you do that if not sexism?

Or is it simply that you've strayed out of AIBU and like to put the boot into the OP?

This is Relationships, not AIBU. The OP has come here for considered advice and support, not "robust" debate.

[Teardrop8]

Thank you theother

Yes, it's a typo and all of your points are correct.

I didn't feel I could engage properly when he cuddled me and told me he loved me because I felt he was showing a real lack of interest in me when I spoke, hence the reason I told him then that I felt he was being distant with me.

[Cricrichan]

Op says that he tuts when he disagrees with what she says, but she's not allowed to?

So the only time he's interested in talking is when it's about him or once the kids are in bed so he fancies some passion ? And op just wants some attention and a catch up.

I'm with you op. You've done nothing wrong .

[NumbNelly]

"Why would you do that if not sexism"
Where have I said that the OP isn't tired? Is OP the only one allowed to feel tired?
As I said previously I've been on the receiving end of a tutter I can see why he'd be pissed off. It's so rude. Where does the OP say that her husband does that?
And no, I haven't strayed from AIBU. Just seems that the OP has acted childishly and her DH has gotten annoyed and now the OP is feeling hard done by.
I'll bow out now though seeing as OP just wants people to tell them how horrible the DH is.

[Cricrichan]

Numbnelly - beginning of the third paragraph in the op.

[NumbNelly]

Cri I'm asking where in the OP does it say that the husband tuts

[mumonashoestring]

"Where does the OP say that her husband does that?"

if I tut, shake my head, or react in any way shape or form while he's talking, he gets extremely upset by this. These are all things that he does when he disagrees with me

HTH...

[AllTheLight]

It's really hard to know without being there.

The bit about tutting sounds like he's being overly controlling.

However if he walked into the kitchen and hugged you and told you he loved you, and you immediately responded with a negative remark, then I can see how he felt a bit picked on.

It certainly sounds as if the whole thing turned into a bigger deal than it needed to be!

I think rather than laying the blame with either of you, you need to work together on improving your communication and how you deal with conflict. Maybe counselling or a marriage course (cheaper) would help?

[theothercatpurred]

Cricichan has already answered your question, NumbNelly. In the 3rd paragraph it says

These are all things that he does when he disagrees with me

[theothercatpurred]

Cross post, sorry!

[LostSight]

I read your post, OP and found myself wondering whether you had tackled the issue earlier in the day, when he was clearly being rude? You may have done so, but don't mention it.

If my husband came back from a trip and he was on his phone when I was talking, I would raise it immediately. From the way your post reads, it seems like you stored up anger and frustration, then when he actually engaged, instead of responding positively, you spoiled his nice moment.

I can understand you feeling frustrated, but I can imagine he was too, hence the (possibly avoidable) row.

It sounds like he is somewhat controlling, but if I have read it right, you may be being too passive. I say that as someone who has had serial relationships which have gone wrong, partly because my partners had a a tendency to be controlling, but partly because I allowed the dynamic to develop because I wouldn't express what I wanted and needed, but just expected my partner to see he was in the wrong. Then got angry when I felt he was taking advantage.

My relationship improved immensely when I started to listen to my inner self and now I react to stop any disrespect as soon as it begins to rear its head. My husband knows my boundaries now and tends to respect them far more.