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Is he a twat? Should I leave? (long)

(59 Posts)
user1487449333 Sat 18-Feb-17 20:43:37

DP and I are usually okay. The romance is gone (the sex is dead- he was a prolific porn user he says he has stopped but doubt it) and I don't think he finds me attractive anymore. He assures me he does but I think otherwise.

He really thinks he does the best by me etc but then will also say he can be a dick at times. I do not get on with his family (they're very superficial people and make a lot of comments about me behind my back about me and family) but he doesn't like them much either.

Our problem is that he drinks, a lot. He doesn't see it as a lot but he cannot and will not stop at one. He has a few and has to have a full on session. Tonight, he told me he feels too unwell to see me (we don't live together after 5 years because we are young and are saving) and that he wants to spend the night at home. That's fine, he then rings me to say he's already had some shots after work and has decided to go out with the boys. I have no problem with him going out, I like him to go out but I don't appreciate being ditched for him to then go out. He doesn't see this as disrespectful. This happens regularly. I even said this would happen earlier today.

We often talk about plans for the future and when he does something like this he often brings it up as a way to butter me up. Recently he went out, when we had agreed he wouldn't go to certain places because they are primarily there for single people etc, he went anyway and whilst there got talking to somebody who temps at his job. After talking for five minutes, she then kissed him, to which he told her no I am with somebody blah blah blah and apparently spoke to her about me for five minutes after. It took him nearly a week to tell me about this and then lied when I asked him who it was- he said he didn't know. I knew there was something missing and he eventually said he knew who she was, told me, and then said he didn't say initially because he didn't want me to cause a problem about it.

We have no children but plan to once we are more settled and I finish my course. I am open to anybody telling me that I am being a wanker or overly sensitive. He says I should cut him a break but I think this behavior is unacceptable. I am not without my faults, I am by nature a bit of a loner (he seems to think this is why I cause an issue when he goes out, not the excessive drinking, secrets or women could be bothering me). I am quite firey (in a stroppy way not violent or anything) and do have a certain standard for how I would like to be treated- is that really that bad?

Any advice greatly appreciated or reminders that some men aren't total tossers.

Somerville Sat 18-Feb-17 20:49:10

The romance is dead, he has a problem with porn and booze, he at the very least snogged another woman, and he goes back on promises and lies to you. And you're planning on having children with him?! Come on love, ditch him and move on. You'll be happier for it.

Kikikaakaa Sat 18-Feb-17 20:52:00

He's not saving up for a house if he is out drinking with his mates.
Sadly I don't think you have grown up together in the same way over these years and he isn't ready to commit to you like you are expecting him to.
Added in with all the other stuff he sounds selfish and childish.
I think you need to maybe look at the fact that moving in with someone irresponsible is a bad idea

ImperialBlether Sat 18-Feb-17 20:58:06

Some tough love here!

Are you completely mad?

There is nothing attractive about this man. Literally nothing. And his family are awful, too - if you had children I'd bet my house they would want more contact and it would all be critical.

He's a drinker, wants to be out with his mates, wanks himself half to death and you're thinking of having children with him?

Seriously, get rid of him and look around for someone really lovely who deserves someone like you.

passingthrough1 Sat 18-Feb-17 21:00:41

Jesus, yes leave!

Your future kids deserve a better father and for their parents to have a more stable foundation.

category12 Sat 18-Feb-17 21:02:19

Why on earth are you sticking around for a rubbish sex life, potential in-laws who are horrible about you, and dodgy behaviour? You want to have kids with that?

user1487449333 Sat 18-Feb-17 21:02:43

Thank you so much for the honesty. It sounds so awful when I write it down.

A part of me thinks who else will have me?

I know he's saving, he earns well and is putting a lot away. But that isn't really the problem, though I appreciate him going out doesnt help.

He does have good points, I'm trying desperately to remember them hmm

Littlefish Sat 18-Feb-17 21:03:51

"The romance is gone (the sex is dead- he was a prolific porn user he says he has stopped but doubt it) and I don't think he finds me attractive anymore. He assures me he does but I think otherwise."

By the time I'd got to the end of this bit, yet alone all the stuff about his drinking, I was going to suggest you left, and that was when I thought you were married/living together.

Why on earth would you move in with someone where there is no romance, sex, respect or trust?

Leave him. Move on. Do not consider moving in together or having children together.

HecateAntaia Sat 18-Feb-17 21:04:01

You actually want to choose to sign up for a lifetime with him and have children with him?
After your description of him?
Why would you choose that?

skinnyamericano Sat 18-Feb-17 21:05:53

I think if things are like this before you live together/have children, they're only going to get worse. Please don't settle for a romance -free and passionless relationship - you will be able to do so much better, and I'd hazard a guess that you'd be happier on your own in the meantime.

MerryMarigold Sat 18-Feb-17 21:06:53

We have no children but plan to once we are more settled and I finish my course

If the romance is already dead (I read: we don't have sex anymore), why are you even considering children? That will kill the tiny, weeny bit of life that there possibly is in this relationship.

user1487449333 Sat 18-Feb-17 21:07:27

I do, because he does have other qualities that make him a nice person but I'm seeing less of it. I don't want to be somebody's friend. Perhaps this has just been the plan for so long that it's hard to move away from it.

HecateAntaia Sat 18-Feb-17 21:09:36

Are the good ones worth a lifetime accepting the bad ones?
If you choose this path you must know that you are accepting the deal.
Can you?

Kikikaakaa Sat 18-Feb-17 21:09:42

Why wouldn't anyone else want you? You are young and clearly work hard, your issue is that you don't think enough of yourself to get rid of this teenage-man waster. There is no guarantee He won't suddenly grow up once he has a mortgage to pay and children.

Not having sex is enough reason to leave

user1487449333 Sat 18-Feb-17 21:11:19

I never thought the lack of sex was a serious enough reason, maybe it is.

Thanks everyone- he's no teenager he's 24 blush

RandomMess Sat 18-Feb-17 21:12:15

Are you on glue??

You are young, you don't live together, ditch him - you are worth so so so so much more!

How can you even have children if the sex is long gone shock you should still be in honeymoon shagging phase after 5 years and not living together...

Kikikaakaa Sat 18-Feb-17 21:14:05

He acts like a teenager though not a man. Not one who is ready to settle down anyway.

How will you have kids if you don't have sex? You will just do it once and hope for a baby?

Trust me it's a big deal

user1487449333 Sat 18-Feb-17 21:14:57

Believe me- I have tried with reference to the sex he just won't bother with me/it. Which isn't much fun. He has been so into the porn that there's now ED, i.e nothing happens without it.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 18-Feb-17 21:15:22

A part of me thinks who else will have me?

Well, you'll never find out if you stick with the drunken porn addict. I should add "lying" to that - too ill to see you but not too ill to go out on the razz, sure, that happens hmm. Give him the old heave-ho, and make room in your life for someone who actually likes spending time in your company. I bet you're not as ugly and boring as you think you are wink

user1487449333 Sat 18-Feb-17 21:15:50

Are you on glue? grin well apprently...blush

Kikikaakaa Sat 18-Feb-17 21:16:13

It sounds like it has run its course sad

It's sad but don't wait until you have too many ties and it's harder to leave

AudTheDeepMinded Sat 18-Feb-17 21:16:47

Call me Mystic Meg but I can almost guarantee that your future, should you choose to stay with this loser, will entail you staying at home with the children whilst he still pisses off out on the piss. You still won't have sex and he'll still watch porn and you'll cook and clean for him. Don't make this your destiny, ditch him before it is too late.

Kikikaakaa Sat 18-Feb-17 21:17:08

Read these boards - hundreds of women trying to leave but stuck with mortgages and kids and finances, it's a really bad idea to tie them all in unless it's pretty much a perfect deal

JaniceBattersby Sat 18-Feb-17 21:17:10

Christ, when I read your opening few paragraphs I thought you were 40'with three kids and had been married 20 years. I could understand the sex and romance being a bit on the backburner if that were the case. But you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste it on a fella you've clearly outgrown.

user1487449333 Sat 18-Feb-17 21:18:20

Thank you everyone.

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