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Found my husband's watching Porn

(9 Posts)
user1480677580 Sat 18-Feb-17 20:42:54

Husband got drunk, passed out and left laptop open I picked it up to use it in the morning and was blasted with images of porn. I checked the browsing history for that night and found about 12 sites with schoolgirls being naughty, and group sex and girl on girl sex. Nothing violent but but we do have teenage girls ( and boys) together.

I am strongly opposed to porn, I know there are lots of views but I have always been clear on mine to him. I think it is bad for men to watch. The think is, it may have been going on for many years as we had computer virus over the years that were porn related. I questioned whether it was the teenage boys but did ask him and he said of course not. I did find in spam once some emails that were porn related and the titled seemed very similar to what was on the site I found. Over the years, say the last 8 or so I found him increasing making sexist remarks that were out of character for him and commenting on women in terms of their attractiveness. Our own sex life, especially in the last year, dropped to almost nil. He seemed to have no interest. N

The marriage has always been a challenge but we worked on it hard but he is controlling and difficult at times. He often criticized me for watching " trashy shows" like the reality TV stuff. The word hypocrite comes to mind. I can't come back from this.

As a 50 + menopausal women, my self esteem is in the toilet. Just before xmas my mom had a massive stroke. In a few short months I have lost both my mom and my husband as sources of support. I haven't told my sisters or friends anything as I am so embarrassed. I don't see how the marriage can continue and, quite honestly, I don't think he could care less. I feel like I am living a bad reality TV show right now.

user1480677580 Sat 18-Feb-17 20:44:03

I meant we have children together, both boys and girls.

DrScholl Sat 18-Feb-17 20:49:07

maybe that is why he is watching porn? Stress reliever

Guavaf1sh Sat 18-Feb-17 21:03:30

Agree. Sounds a terrible situation for everyone. I wouldn't make anything much of the porn but it seems there is quite a lot of other things you need to discuss and sort out

SerenityMom Sat 18-Feb-17 21:03:52

Not sure why he is watching. Perhaps it is stress but the changes in his attitudes to women he works with or even sees on the street makes me wonder if it is more than that. And his need to control me and the kids, ensure everything is done the right way, meaning his way. There are so many rules. How we put the dishes away, how we put towels on the rack, how we open the curtains. Seems deeper. And, knowing how I feel about porn, there should have been a discussion not deception. And why say that my reality TV is trashy and setting a back example for the kdis and we are " better than that".

Naicehamshop Sat 18-Feb-17 21:29:29

He sounds absolutely awful - the use of porn and his sexist remarks (which are related, of course) would make me want to end it without a doubt.

And how dare he criticise what you are watching when he is watching stuff like that! He is treating you with utter contempt - I am furious on your behalf. angry

herwegoagain123 Sun 19-Feb-17 00:28:09

So porn has changed him into an entitled idiot or brought it to the surface. This happened to me and I dug deeper through history, bank records, phone records and lo and behold uncovered a ten year use of prostitutes. Just be careful and aware.
If I were you I would gather financials etc secretly to strengthen yourself.
I think you are right to think of leaving him.
My dh used to openly lech waitresses in front of my dd. Totally weird. So much so I knew he was mentally unsound.
By the way I'm a professional woman by day watcher of trash any evening I can.
The worse thing I did was take it personally. Don't it's not you it's him.

PastoralCare Sun 19-Feb-17 08:17:49

If it were true that porn caused all his problems, then if he wont watch porn he will treat people nicely again.

I hope this is the case.

But I think this is a person who feels he has lost control of his life; porn is one of many symptoms not a cause.

You mention he passed out drunk in front of the computer. Isn't this just at least as worrying and sad? How often does he get drunk?

As someone mentioned above, porn may be a way to relieve stress (along with alcohol) and get some sexual gratification in an otherwise unpleasant environment.

It is also likely that he has been watching for a long time and you didn't notice.

On top of this when you say that he criticised you for watching reality tv. In his mind, justifiably or not, he is losing control of the future.

So it's not just the porn, you have given us a series of symptoms and surely there are more.

If you focus solely on the porn, you might get a temporary victory in him promising he'll never watch again, but will not have done anything to work on your relationship from the ground up.

SerenityMom Sun 19-Feb-17 12:05:49

Your right. It is just the point end of the stick. But we have done so much to try to work through stuff, marriage counselling etc. This stuff never came up. But I guess it is not about me so much as him being incredibly unhappy/stressed. I just have to take care of myself and the kids.

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