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Ex won't let go - advice needed please

(8 Posts)
wingingit14 Sat 18-Feb-17 20:23:19

I have a 3 year old son and I ended my relationship with his father in November 2015 after I discovered he had been using drugs. He was emotionally and physically abusive when I ended the relationship so I took out a non molestation order. This didn't work because I wasn't strong enough to enforce it.

I insisted on supervised contact however this has been sporadic, my ex doesn't know where we live now because he was turning up all hours to my previous address. ex continues to call and text and declare his undying love for me, he just doesn't get that I'm over the relationship. When my son goes to his grandparents for contact (4 times in the last year) his dad will continuously call and text me to check where I am, I'm too scared not to answer the phone because he has my son. I'm scared to make plans or god forbid actually go on a date in case he calls. I know this is unhealthy but he thinks he's above the law. He laughed when he was served the order. I've been told there's no point trying to enforce the restraining order now because I've broken it many times by answering the phone and replying to his texts. This was in no way a romantic sense it was mainly because he was calling me a bad mum and I felt the need to respond. He said if I started a new relationship he would kill my new partner and then himself.

Deep down I know I'm doing my best, I have no family in the country who can help me. I work full time whilst my son goes to a childminder and I study part time at university. My world revolves around my son, when I'm not at work we do activities together and he has everything he needs.

Why can't I stop being scared of him? I don't know what to do, I can't be alone forever just because I'm scared of him.

jeaux90 Sat 18-Feb-17 21:19:06

You stop responding to him. Only very concise texts about the child arrangements and you ignore everything else. Really it's the only way.

If he turns up you call the police. If he threatens you, you call the police etc etc

Honestly consistency is the only way forward with these fuckwits. They eventually get the message.

This is your life and he is living it for you at the moment

AcrossthePond55 Sat 18-Feb-17 21:35:06

When you say you're afraid to not respond because 'he has my son' what do you think he will do? Are you worried about harm or are you afraid he will take off with him or that his parents (I assume those are the grandparents you mean) cannot protect your child or stop him from taking him? If so, then you need to arrange contact with your son with someone other than your ex's parents to supervise. I don't mean to sound harsh, but you aren't protecting your son if you can't be confident that the people you leave him with will not or cannot protect him.

I agree with PP that you need to NOT respond to any texts/messages about things other than the when and where of contact.

Who told you there was 'no point' in enforcing the restraining order? Is it still valid? If so, you certainly CAN enforce it. I suppose the police may be less than sympathetic if you've repeatedly called them to remove him and they're away of the order, but they still have to do their job.

Have you considered counseling to help you become more confident and assertive? Maybe a support group for victims of abuse? You say you have no family here, what about friends?

AcrossthePond55 Sat 18-Feb-17 21:36:35

* aware of the order (not away)

Dragongirl10 Sun 19-Feb-17 00:43:39

Stop being scared and get mad, really mad,
who the hell does he think he is ?

Find your fury at him and hold on to it, if you were your daughter what would you advise yourself to do ?

He is a stupid pathetic bully nothing more, if he tells you again he will kill himself then say 'go knock yourself out'

Please please read back your post and stop being a wimp, he is vile but you have got rid of him now CUT CONTACT except to arrange have a responsibility to be strong for your child.

I feel furious on your behalf.

scoobydoo1971 Sun 19-Feb-17 00:57:19

Your child will get older and more verbal. At 5 or 6, your child will repeat your home address or give enough details to reveal the location to his father. You need to make a plan of action now. You need to go to court and request that your son is seen at a contact centre. This will be supervised visitation so there will be no risk of his father causing harm. You can cite former substance abuse and on-going text harassment as evidence of the on-going risk of harm to you and your son. You must keep all the texts and other forms of communication that he attempts, and be careful in your replies. You won't be able to get on with your life until you get this resolved. If you don't have personal strength to do this, do it for your child as he needs a happy, healthy mum.

wafflyversatile Sun 19-Feb-17 00:59:13

Does your local police have a dedicated dv unit or officer? Maybe make an appointment with them for advice on the order.

Italiangreyhound Sun 19-Feb-17 03:29:04

wingingit he is continuing to abuse you even though you are apart.

Please keep all texts etc.

Please speak to Women's Aid, explain you are afraid he has threatened to kill any partner you have in future.

0808 2000 247

If you feel his grandparents cannot keep him safe from his dad, you need to speak to Women's Aid or others about this as well, and take advice.

This man is a shit bag and a coward. GET ANGRY and get smart, get help, all the help you can.

you are a good mum, how dare he call you a bad mum.

If anyone comments on your answering the phone etc explain it is because you were scared (don't tell him that), and please re-think your own language of how you talk to yourself and others about this... for example...

"He was emotionally and physically abusive when I ended the relationship so I took out a non molestation order. This didn't work because I wasn't strong enough to enforce it."

It's not that you were not strong enough, you were afraid. It is easy to be strong when you have nothing to fear. maybe his words were empty threats, maybe not. You have experience of his emotional and physical abuse, so you have good reason to be afraid BUT with the right help and support you can overcome this.

NONE of this is your fault, he is at fault. He has been abusive, he has broken the non-molestation order, not you.

Please try and access some counselling and assertiveness training.

Your son needs positive role models in his life, not a man who takes drugs, abuses the mother of his child, issues threats etc etc.

Find your inner angry, angry angry angry XXXXXXXXXXX

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