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How did you tell your husband/wife

(26 Posts)
ifeeltheneedtheneedforspeed Sat 18-Feb-17 20:19:52

That you wanted to separate/divorce?

jeaux90 Sat 18-Feb-17 21:32:53

Quite a long time ago now but I just told him. It was so over and then I kept telling him until he believed me.

Consistency.

It also depends on the situation though, we had no kids so I didn't care about it being acrimonious.

If you have dc best to try and find a way that manages the split so you can effectively co-parent if possible and limit the damage on any kids but consistency in my message would be my key advice.

With my abusive ex I took my child and moved out. That's another story though

Hassled Sat 18-Feb-17 21:39:28

I stalled and stalled and got myself into a complete tizz and eventually just blurted it out. He'd had an affair (this was my first H) so it wasn't completely out of the blue - we'd stumbled on for another 6 months or so, but it was still so awful. I hated seeing him that upset.

If it takes you a while to find the strength, then that's fine. Once you can get your head around the fact it will be awful, but you can cope with the awfulness and you will move on, it feels more doable. Good luck.

Autumnchill Sat 18-Feb-17 21:43:35

He told me. I got up, made coffee, came back into the bedroom and he asked for a divorce. It had run its course, we both knew but he was brave enough to say it.

PidgeyfinderGeneral Sat 18-Feb-17 21:52:17

Well, it was after he beat me up as I was lying in bed, with a load of our friends downstairs so I couldn't cry, shout or fight back.

I told him the next day that I was done and made an appointment with a solicitor.

pocketsaviour Sat 18-Feb-17 22:31:51

"I now realise you're not depressed or ill, you're just a total cunt. I'll be leaving as soon as I can get a place."

Blushingm Sat 18-Feb-17 22:35:41

Just fuck off - you can go - I'll be better off without you - go back to your parents as they've always come first........

This was after his dad was shouting down the phone that dh needs to control his wife & dh agreed!

Shodan Sun 19-Feb-17 00:11:58

I sat him down and just said that I was so sorry, this wasn't working for me any more, that I didn't love him and didn't think it was fair to either of us to carry on.

This had followed many talks about how things were generally, promises from him to sort out marriage counselling ( never happened), why I was unhappy etc etc.

There were just the two discussions about it, the original one and one first thing the following morning (I think he was hoping I'd have softened overnight) but I just kept repeating the same things.

It all depends on the situation, really- he wasn't abusive in any way, but like one pp's, it had run its course (well, it had actually run its course two years previously, but I'd soldiered on for that time).

noego Sun 19-Feb-17 08:48:37

I sat down with her after discovering her affair and said........

I want a woman in my life that is, loyal, trustworthy, open, honest, faithful, is caring and sharing, has integrity and dignity. You are not that woman, so when you are ready pack your bags and fuck off.
Then went NC. Its been 4 years and only seen her once.
Best conversation I've ever had with a woman smile

jeaux90 Sun 19-Feb-17 10:18:09

Noego I might have to copy your statement and put it in my back pocket grin

Stewart2017 Wed 22-Feb-17 14:44:33

Noego - that is quite a statement

Dare I ask your wife's reaction to that?

xStefx Wed 22-Feb-17 14:49:02

I didn't bother telling him ( there was a good chance he would attack me again) So I packed when he was at work, found a new place, changed my email and fone number. I think he got the message, that was 9 years ago and not seen him since. (we weren't married)

noego Wed 22-Feb-17 14:56:41

Stewart. She cried.

Badhairday1001 Thu 23-Feb-17 13:33:10

I've only just done it. It was hard but I just said, things aren't working and it's making us all miserable we need to separate. It's taken about a week of saying the same thing for him to know that I mean it. It's telling the kids that Im dreading.

Stewart2017 Fri 24-Feb-17 19:08:32

Brave thing to say as response could be volatile.
I think many people stay together as finances may not allow 2 properties bug enough to cover share kids.

And many stay together 'for the kids' I'd think.

Notapodling Fri 24-Feb-17 19:35:01

I know about OW. We're done.

SleepingTiger Fri 24-Feb-17 19:58:51

Same as Pidgey

I said "I'm done. Im exhausted. I'm beaten" (literally I had been, but I didn't mean that).

I said it's over and I stayed for the kids, but she knew what it meant. She had won, whatever it was she was fighting, which even today is everybody.

Ellisandra Fri 24-Feb-17 21:07:29

Me: "I cannot have sex with you, because you have sex with prostitutes. I do not want to go without sex in a marriage. How do you suggest I resolve that?"

Him: "I never went through with it, I only looked" (fucking liar!)

Me: "you do realise, that even though you're lying and you did do it, 'only looking' is reason enough for me to end this?"

Him: <looks at floor and mumbles "I didn't do it" in manner of toddler"

Me: "I'll propose child arrangements and financial order by the end of the week, and call a solicitor tomorrow. Now I'm going out."

pudding21 Fri 24-Feb-17 21:53:34

"Right, that is it, I'm DONE". It had built and built and I just shouted it out. He took a week to believe me and only did when I packed up the car and moved out with our two boys. I still don't think he believes me. And I haven't 100% told him its never going to happen again, but its not. I just keep telling him I need space and time to work out what is best. he's a mess, I'm being too kind (EA relationship) but I want him to sort himself out a little bit. I also need to be mentally stronger to tell him the finality of it all. Whether that is the right thing to do or not but I am in a much better place and going with my gut. I'm trusting myself on this one.

hefzi Fri 24-Feb-17 22:00:59

You don't "get to decide" who you're going to be with: if you don't know instinctively that's your wife of years and not the woman you've known 6 weeks, then I'll make the decision for you. My lawyer will be in touch to make arrangements.

(Dramatic flounce, drove down the road and then cried myself sick.)

I didn't know then about the "pick me" dance, but even so many years later, am glad I managed to leave with (a tiny bit of) dignity intact!

Bitrustyandbusty Sat 25-Feb-17 09:23:53

"I am done here, with this, we are getting a divorce." He was a bit gutted, but only because I had said it first and thus dented his macho pride.

Interesting how many of us used the word 'done', not something I say in every day life, so I guess it nicely portrays the finality.

BottomlyP0tts Sat 25-Feb-17 09:30:22

This while heartbreaking are really helpful...

notarehearsal Sat 25-Feb-17 09:41:21

Stumbling on for six months after ExDH had affair, looked at him day and said 'Just go, you don't want to be here' He looked so bloody relieved and left that day ( back into bed of OW who he just happened to bump into!) That was after being together for 20 years. I then cried every day for a couple of years and now realise it was the very best thing that ever happened to me

Whocares2017 Sat 25-Feb-17 09:44:01

I remember saying on two occasions, I don't want to be with you any more. That started the ball rolling and we separated.

InfiniteSheldon Sat 25-Feb-17 09:49:00

I packed took the kids to my friends went back cooked his tea told him and left. Worst possible way it was cowardly and I will never forget his face when his said where are my children. No one else was involved I had just had enough.

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