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DH is leaving me because I'm a horrible person

(17 Posts)
stressedtoomuch Sat 18-Feb-17 18:56:48

The last 6 months I have been under immense stress, death in the family etc and haven't been coping very well. This is causing me to start arguments at the slightest thing and blame my DH not acceptable I know. He's in no way perfect and I feel takes what I do for him for granted sometimes. It's come to ahead tonight and he wants to leave, threw out a few insults like 'horrible person' which I can't really blame him for. We've had arguments in the past and always made up but I think I've finally pushed him too far. I've been doing cbt for my issues but apparently have taken nothing on board she's taught me, I also went to the doctors to get some anti depressants and he didn't listen to me really and gave me something 'to help me sleep'
This is all completely my fault and I'm the reason my family is about to fall apart.
He's a good person kind and loving and I've pushed him away because I can't cope. Got work soon need to go and pretend like my whole life isn't falling apart in front of my eyes ,I've caused all this.
Losing the man I can't live without and would do anything for because I can't control my attitude.

amysmummy12345 Sat 18-Feb-17 18:59:49

No advice, I'm going through a separation add this moment too. flowers there are some very wise ladies who will be along shortly I'm sure

amysmummy12345 Sat 18-Feb-17 19:00:03

At* not add

user1486415120 Sat 18-Feb-17 19:07:07

Explain exactly how you feel. Don't pretend that everything is fine when it's not.

If you talk to him and open up about your feelings and thoughts he is likely to be more understanding and feel more involved. You are only human after all.

If you don't communicate with one another, he will be left guessing and may come to all sorts conclusions.

All the best xx

stressedtoomuch Sat 18-Feb-17 19:47:45

I've tried telling him why I'm struggling and how I feel but he just doesn't understand because it's over now to him. He's right it is but I'm still struggling I've been through a lot, nothing in comparison to losing somebody I loved suddenly but all things that followed just felt like too much on top. I haven't had time to process the last 6 months and it's like I'm still now in shock. I've never coped with changed very well.

jeaux90 Sat 18-Feb-17 21:23:14

Stressed I am sorry but maybe the best thing you can do now is work out how to separate in a positive way especially if you have kids.

If you genuinely believe he is done you don't have much of a choice but you can preserve your dignity and get his respect if you enable an amicable split.

scoobydoo1971 Sun 19-Feb-17 01:20:00

I am dealing with immense stress is my personal life at the moment. I am very snappy and argumentative with people...they haven't run away, they understand it is life circumstances turning me into the Incredible Hulk. CBT does not work for everyone, and anti-depressants take a while to kick in (often takes experimenting with different types to find an effective approach). Insist your GP refer you to outpatient psychiatry as you need a specialist to help you. In some areas, you can self-refer so google or ask MIND what help is available local to you.

No advice on man-trouble, other than I understand as two of my relationships have broken down due to ill-health and old friends have vanished in light of my diagnosis. Human behaviour can be disappointing sometimes. Your man is free to leave and while you may feel devastated now, if you address your stress/ depression/ anxiety issues then things may change and you will get over this. To get better, you need positive influences in your life who support your recovery.

Italiangreyhound Sun 19-Feb-17 03:44:20

Stressed I am so sorry this sounds so hard. I had CBT for anxiety almost 20 years ago and it worked well. It does not work for everyone.

How long have you been doing CBT? Can your therapist refer you on to someone with a different approach?

Go back to GP, if necessary can you see a different person this time, different doctor. Explain it i snot just about sleep or not about sleep at all, whatever it is.

scoobydoo has great advice, as have others.

OK, so I hav enot been where you have been and I do agree if he wants to go he has the freedom to do that. As amicably as possible. Maybe for a brief time. If he is going, it is him who needs to move out, I think, because you need stability.

If you have kids, they need stability.

Your dh needs to continue to support his kids too.

Italiangreyhound Sun 19-Feb-17 04:03:58

Here is what struck me from your post.

1) "The last 6 months I have been under immense stress," this is a relatively short time in length of relationships.

There is an old saying like it is always darkest before the dawn. Which means, I think, that once it gets really dark it gets better. You know I cannot promise this but maybe his desire to leave might spark a come back in you to fight this depression and to work together.

Maybe when your dh realises what he will need to do - find a flat, tell family and friends, tell work his new address etc, most of all tell the kids - he will see it may just be worth hanging on in there.

Unless there is any chance he was looking to split up and is using this as his excuse. Because six months is a very short time to contemplate leaving a marriage over (IMHO). And if this is the case he should be honest and not put the blame on to you.

2) "death in the family etc and haven't been coping very well." how close a relative was this? I don't want to second guess how close they were but the closer they were the harder it is and your dh should try and understand this.

EG a grandparent is not necessarily just a grandparent! To some they may be almost a total stranger, to others almost a second mum or dad. So whomever it was your dh should try to understand that this has affected you more than it may affect a different person.

Have you explored specific grief or bereavement counselling

Please do consider it.

You may not be particularly religious but if you have any connection to any faith they may supply bereavement counselling, perhaps even for free.

If you are of no faith you are 'covered' in the sense that your local Church of England Church will see you as a resident of their parish. They may, or may not, know of any local counselling for free for bereavement. But worth a quick call or email to see, IMHO.

3) "This is causing me to start arguments at the slightest thing and blame my DH not acceptable I know."

Can you try a little exercise next time this comes up. Next time you want to blast him, just keep quite, and count to 10 or 20 in your head.

Maybe get a positive image or memory in your head to sweeten you as you are speaking to him.

If you are being unreasonable and you know you are being unreasonable, just try postponing those thoughts and saying to yourself you will deal with whatever issue later. Be non-committal if he is asking you to do something you are not sure about, as long as he is not being abusive. EG he asks if he or you can do this or that. It might normally lead to an argument but just try saying something non-commital like 'maybe' or 'lets see'.

4) "He's in no way perfect and I feel takes what I do for him for granted sometimes."

No one is perfect, and you can certainly work on these issues later. As long as his behaviour is not abusive, as long as he does care for you and you care for him and want to work it out, I'd put some of this on the back burner.

Italiangreyhound Sun 19-Feb-17 04:06:08

Lastly, it's clear this word 'horrible' is playing on your mind. Let it go. If you think you have been behaving horribly, then that my be true. It doesn't make you a horrible person. But your dh is hurting too, maybe, and said it out of anger. Just let it go.

You said you had had arguments in the past and always made up.

If you have made up in the past, you can do it again. But it is his choice. When things are calm, if you are in the wrong can you apologize. Genuinely. Without demanding anything from him?

You said "This is all completely my fault and I'm the reason my family is about to fall apart."

Is this what he has said or what you believe?

It's not your fault you were bereaved. It's not your fault you are suffering from stress.

You do need to work towards your good health but being ill or stressed or bereaved are not your fault. What you can try and control is how you respond to him.

Please do tell him he is the man you "...can't live without and would do anything for...".

Commit yourself to controlling my attitude and working through things.

Good luck, and get the right kind of help, your gp doesn't sound like they listened to you last time. That must be frustrating but tomorrow is another day, there will be new chances.

I do believe things will get better and when they do share that with your dh. I hope things will work out.

Mummyoflittledragon Sun 19-Feb-17 04:27:53

You are right to say the death is over. However the grief is not. And you have a right to your grief. It is very wrong for him to deny it and expect you to get over yourself, which unless I'm mistaken, is what is happening here. Having this behaviour toward you will add to your overall stress and consequently more likely to lash out. I would be incredibly angry with him if this is your situation.

That said, when we are hurting, we also lash out at the ones, we love. I'd write a letter to him. Something short and concise, not judgmental of either of you explaining how you love him what he means to you and how the hole left by the deceased is unbearable. And go back to your gp (or another gp in the same practice) and insist you need AD's or anti anxiety meds as your marriage is falling apart.

Italiangreyhound Sun 19-Feb-17 04:36:22

Mummyoflittledragon good advice about letter.

Joysmum Sun 19-Feb-17 08:09:16

I've tried telling him why I'm struggling and how I feel but he just doesn't understand because it's over now to him

You've tried telling him how you feel, but have you acknowledged how he feels?

He's clearly at the end of his tether so tell him how much you love him but most importantly take ownership of your bad behaviour as well as explaining some of the things you'd like to try to do differently so he knows you are serious and he's stuck in a relationship which doesn't look like changing. You need to offer him hope and make this about him and his feelings to start with so he feels validated.

stressedtoomuch Sun 19-Feb-17 11:08:22

Thank you for all the advice. I went off to work and we started texting, I made it clear that my behaviour was not okay, he told me he loved me always would and always will. When I got in from work he was up and we had the longest hug 3 or 4 minutes just squeezing each other, I apologised again and then he apologised for everything he said. We're okay now it seems like I haven't burnt all my bridges yet and I'm determined not too.
I've been doing cbt for about 4 weeks she's taught me some great techniques but it's just it all flies out of my head when I get wound up but I will work on that and refuse to get like that again for the sake of my marriage and my kids.
The relative that died was a step parent but it was always like I had 3 parents, the death was traumatic as one minute they were fine the next minute they collapsed and died.
I got to the hospital and the doctor/porter I don't know, decided to tell me it was 'bad news but your family with tell you more' as I was walking down corridor so that wasn't great either.
My DH is a good egg, before all this we had a brilliant relationship and we Will get back to that.

Ginandpanic Sun 19-Feb-17 11:18:45

Op I'm pleased to hear that you are trying to sort things out and sorry to hear you've had a rough time. The reality is we all do, but we don't all take it out on our partners.

Please keep going to cbt but more importantly make sure you use what you are learning.

My dh has mh problems, he's unpleasant to be around a lot of the time sad and he's under a lot of pressure at the moment which is making it worse. He has had. councelling and cbt. I'm trying to be supportive as best I can but at the same time it really doesn't entitle him to speak to me like he does.

He's sailing dangerously close to the wind, I've made him aware of that, but he's unable to change his approach to me. Maybe he doesn't want to, somehow he seems absolutely convinced we're rock solid. We're not.I'm not sticking around for 40 years of this.

So please don't expect your dh to endlessly put up with this. I suspect you've always been like it and the last 6 months have been worse.

Mummyoflittledragon Sun 19-Feb-17 11:55:09

That's brilliant. So he does love you. He's just at the end of his tether. Probably also because he's out of his depth with your grief and doesn't know what to do. I'm glad you have started talking. smile. My dh can be like this too.

Joysmum Sun 19-Feb-17 13:10:07

Really pleased to hear it. So now it's time, when all is calm, to plan ahead about how to cope and do things differently when you find yourselves in challenging situations.

I say this as this is what I've needed to do. Looking back there was a pattern to the lead up to my behaviour and my triggers are few. DH and I have chatted through what the triggers are, and how best to break the cycle and the things we both need to do to avoid s flash point if we haven't successfully broken the cycle and it's about to all kick off again.

Best of luck. flowers

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