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So may issues that I don't know where to start

(61 Posts)
swizzlestar Sat 18-Feb-17 16:22:10

Dh and I have been together for 12 years, and have two dc's. Both have dc's from previous relationships but they're all 18+.

A year ago dh had a serious accident at work. It was life changing at that point for all of us as he's been unable to return to his previous trade, and was self employed. My work ramped up at that point, and I was able to increase my hours. I used a lot of annual leave for hospital appointments etc, aso he was unable to drive for months.

So, a year on I'm working 50 hours a week and he's at home with the kids (although both school age), taking a personal trainer course and picking up the odd handyman type job. His injury is pretty much sorted, but never going good to be 100%, he's probably at 95%. He has another issue which leaves him unable to get out of bed some mornings, on those days I take the kids to school then go to work late (I start at 8).

So, given all this, how much should I expect him to do around the house? Because right now, it's a tip..... He hoovers the middle of rooms, dusts occasionally and I've just cleared drying washing off the radiators. There's just stuff everywhere! Last weekend I blitzed our bedroom as the skirting boards were disgusting and the dusting never done. Every other room is the same. They also need decorating.

I assumed he'd been cleaning up dog poo in the garden, but he hasn't done for weeks and weeks. I've just cleaned a carrier bag full....

I don't known if I'm being unreasonable? I've just had enough to be honest.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Sat 18-Feb-17 16:27:55

On the days where both DCs are in school & he is at 95% fitness/physical ability, I think it is utterly reasonable to expect him to do the majority of the housework.

Obviously when he is too unwell to get out of bed then things would be different, but I'm sure you wouldn't expect much on those days anyway.

If he is fit enough to train to be a PT, he's fit enough to pick up a duster and/or some laundry.

swizzlestar Sat 18-Feb-17 16:50:05

On his bad days, I don't expect him to do anything. He's generally ok to pick the kids up from school, as we live two minutes walk away, but I always check that he is!

He does have this attitude that evenings and weekends are for relaxing. I wish it was!

He also volunteers at a couple of clubs and trains someone for free, so not housebound by any stretch of the imagination.

He's one of these people that will do anything for anyone. Except us.

We've had so many issues recently, I just don't know where this is going to end.

RandomMess Sat 18-Feb-17 16:54:28

Hmmm I think you need to say that he has to pull his weight at home before he is doing x y z otherwise you are going to crack!

FetchezLaVache Sat 18-Feb-17 16:55:15

He does have this attitude that evenings and weekends are for relaxing

...and weekdays when the kids are at school as well, apparently! hmm

Did he pitch in with much housework before his accident?

FetchezLaVache Sat 18-Feb-17 16:56:36

And why is he training to be a PT if he has a condition that means he can't get out of bed some days? Would it not be more realistic to retrain in a less physically demanding direction?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Sat 18-Feb-17 17:04:37

Well, I think I'd be telling him that he needs to get his priorities in order.

There are certain things that have to be done, other things that should be done and finally things it is nice to be able to do. In that order.

The essential level includes things like school drop off/pickups, after school childcare, paid work, feeding everybody, food shopping, walking the dog etc. etc.

The next level would include most housework. While tidying & cleaning well is obviously desirable, nobody is going to die if the washing doesn't get put away today.

The bottom level is hobbies. Including volunteer work (unless possibly as a path to paid work), doing favours for mates or leisure activities.

Nobody (I assume) is saying that he doesn't get time for hobbies - just that a basic standard of housework should be done first.

swizzlestar Sat 18-Feb-17 18:35:30

I'm generally a pretty laid back person, I don't feel the need to check up on what he's found all day. He's an adult. I don't begrudge him his hobbies, quite the opposite actually.

I'm just starting to feel like my whole life is arranged around him. I know he can't help being ill (we'really still waiting for a diagnosis), but there's always something! It's his accident, illness, hobby, depression and the effect it has on me and the kids. He's behaved so badly in the past, and it's all been ignored.

Sorry, I'm just venting confused.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom Sat 18-Feb-17 19:19:07

Sorry but someone who can't get out of bed some mornings is not suited to being a PT.
He sounds fucking lazy & he's taking the piss out of you, there is no reason he can't clean the house etc he simply chooses not to hmm

swizzlestar Sun 19-Feb-17 08:56:35

Thank you for your replies, I was really beginning to think I was being unreasonable.

We've lots to talk about, but he goes immediately on the defensive and is a really nasty person to argue with. He's said the most awful things in the past.

I'm making him out to be an awful person, he's actually a pretty good Father and the kids adore him.

RandomMess Sun 19-Feb-17 10:32:10

He isn't being a good father if he is getting you to do all the skivvy work and earning the money whilst he uses his illnesses to pick and choose what to do!!

Nasty to argue with, behaved badly in the past - those aren't descriptions of a good Father. Perhaps actually he is a Disney Dad, happy to swoop in and to the nice/rewarding stuff but none of the day to day grunge...

I have depression and MH issues, I go through phases of doing little (actually I do work FT and that is prioritised tbh as well as being the DC taxi service) around the house but then in the better times I'm the one doing the deep clean, decorating etc.

DH has psoriatic arthritis so at times he is utterly exhausted can't get out of bed but especially when the DC were younger he prioritised doing what little he could to do the most beneficial stuff - helping with bed time etc.

That is being a team - prioritising the family needs above all else!

Phoebefromfriends Sun 19-Feb-17 10:45:24

How on earth does someone train to be a PT if they can't get out of bed? hmm I think his priorities are all out of line. Surely if he's training to be a Personal Trainer he could work part-time doing admin work around school hours.

I think you need to be very clear about what you expect to be done, then stick to it, review how you feel in a few months and reassess how you want to go ahead. if he can't make it 2 minutes up the road to take the kids to school he shouldn't be training as a PT

Phoebefromfriends Sun 19-Feb-17 10:49:43

Just re-read your post, if he can perform handyman jobs for others he can pick up the dog poo, which is a health hazard IMO.

On the days he's really ill does he cancel all this other stuff he had going on?

swizzlestar Sun 19-Feb-17 16:09:08

He's already a coach in another sport, the pt is to compliment that so that it can be his career around the kids. However, I never in a million years though that a year after his accident he wouldn't be qualified.

His illness is to do with balance. We haven't had a diagnosis, but think along the lines of menieres disease / middle ear damage. It's very much fits and starts, so can be fine for weeks, but then will have two attacks in 10 days. He does cancel everything on these days, I wouldn't stand for that!

I've told him today that he needs to get a job, he's stormed off out to his training session. Although I did say it was to pay for a cleaner and washing/ironing lady.... I'm ironing, and two tops are just not clean where they've been in the wrong type of wash.

He is very much a Disney dad! I also have a dsd, and he's exactly that. It's been exasperating to watch, but he doesn't take criticism well as you can see. Particularly when it comes to dsd.

Random - thank you, a real reality check from your post.

I'm desperately unhappy, and I can't tell if it's just with him or the whole situation. Everything feels like such a battle, and working around him. Unfortunately, that's not new.

Snoopysimaginaryfriend Sun 19-Feb-17 19:35:45

My DH used to be a PT. He said it was like working two jobs. You had to be up early and you'll be out late working with clients before and after they work. He then ran gym classes through the day. He also said you're expected to do a lot of self promotion especially when you start out. If you don't have 'get up and go' no one is going to pay you to inspire them. Basically it's not a family friendly or well paid job.

Sorry to burst your DH bubble but being a PT isn't the easy, flexible job it sounds.

Isetan Mon 20-Feb-17 04:30:14

His accident has exposed his selfishness and not created it. When he doesn't pull his weight on his good days he's basically saying 'my wants are more important than the needs of my family'. There's more to being a good 'Dad' than when his wants coincides with his children's needs. The signs of a good parent are the millions of times when the needs of your children take priority.

Do you know why you feel like an emotional punch bag, a slack picker upper, domestic skivvy, responsible parent, breadwinner etc? It's because you are and the person you support as a partner, expects far more from you than they he is willing to deliver.

It appears that his accident has exposed (not created), a side of him that you tolerated when he was at least contributing financially. You're no longer supporting him but enabling him and whilst that continues, there's very little incentive for him to be different (and no, your hurt as a casualty of his selfishness appears not to be incentivising).

Given his health issues, his choice of Personal Trainer isn't a smart one. The reality is, Personal Training is his hobby and not the start of a new career and the pursuit of this hobby is to the detriment of his family and not the benefit.

swizzlestar Fri 03-Mar-17 18:41:26

Things have really come to a head this...

I had to go away to see clients. This involves a meeting followed by dinner and a night out, and an overnight stay in a hotel. I'm lucky enough to work very closely with a colleague who has become one of my closest friends, we do these things together.

My phone went flat, which I warned him about and then didn't charge properly. So I've had all kinds of grief, called names and been accused of lying. I'm so fed up with it, I'm not in the wrong here am I??

swizzlestar Sat 04-Mar-17 19:56:31

Just coming back to this after discussions today....

I don't think that I should have to pander to his anxiety and make myself instantly available when he needs me to, he does. I don't expect him to be constantly checking in with me, and I don't text or phone him constantly when he's out.

I really can't see any way forward, apart from separating.

pog100 Sat 04-Mar-17 21:57:20

It's really obvious that you are very unhappy and the main cause of this is your husband's character, not his accident. I think your last sentence is correct.

RandomMess Sat 04-Mar-17 22:05:33

It does sound very much over. Once you live separately you will know exactly where you stand with what help you will or won't get...

flowers

disappearingfish Sat 04-Mar-17 22:14:30

Would he agree to Relate / marriage counselling?

happypoobum Sat 04-Mar-17 22:22:29

Life is too short to put up with all this if you are so unhappy.

Talk to him. If he really isn't going to go back to work then I would probably end things.

swizzlestar Sun 05-Mar-17 10:31:47

He probably would agree to counselling, I'm not sure I can see the point. That's very telling get isn't it?!

He keeps asking to cuddle me, kissing me when he goes out and generally trying to play happy families. I'm really, really uncomfortable with it all.

He's just been diagnosed with a balance disease, so I'm also feeling hugely guilty. Who will look after him I don't?? I don't want anything awful to happen to him.

swizzlestar Sun 05-Mar-17 10:32:13

So confused.....sad

disappearingfish Sun 05-Mar-17 11:02:00

I'm not sure I can see the point. That's very telling get isn't it?!

The point is that you have two children together. If you want to stay married then counselling will help. If you want to separate then counselling may help you to do so amicably.

If you do separate, your DH is in a strong position to be the resident parent if you are working full time.

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