Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

grieving loss of marriage or mild depression?

(13 Posts)
whereisthesunshine Sat 18-Feb-17 16:09:30

This is my first post on this site - I hope it's the right topic.

My h left me just over 6 months ago, we were married for 12 years. Since then I have been feeling (understandibly) off but I am worried whether I might be slipping into something more.

I wake up early in in the mornings and immediately have a tight knot in my stomach, a strange nervousness, it's really hard to explain. Sometimes it doesn't go away for the whole day. It's worse in public for some reason but I keep forcing myself to go out. I drag myself through the days but don't really seem to enjoy things much. I see friends (only have 2 really good ones) and force myself to keep busy. I keep the house clean, have just done some weeding in the garden, had a lovely chat with my neighbour, and have also got a diy project going. Will cook myself some dinner tonight and watch netflix. I sing in a music group and learn a language.

On paper, I feel I do everything that people tell you to do after a breakup. I feel empty though and would happily go to bed at 8pm every night. I feel a little disconnected from life and some days feel really foggy/dazed.

Is this normal or am I depressed? I am sorry if this sounds silly but I just don't know how to categorise these feelings. I am worried that it gets to a state where it becomes a problem. I am getting a lot more anxious about stuff than I used to. I don't want my gp to laugh at me though.

I know noone can diagnose me but has anyone got any experience?

Sorry for the essay.

whereisthesunshine Sat 18-Feb-17 18:20:51

Noone? I feel a little silly now...

junebirthdaygirl Sat 18-Feb-17 18:27:23

There are different stages of grief and depression is one of them. They are necessary stages to go through anger bargaining depression ( there are others) and finally acceptance. You have been through a very painful time, you sound very resilient so just have patience with yourself and don't fight it. Be gentle with yourself and don't overdo this but accept you need lots of rest and comfort.

Gottabeaneasierway Sat 18-Feb-17 18:27:51

Hi I feel exactly the same but I am five years on and in a way I was stronger in the early days than I feel now. I am like you in that I feel like going to bed early but then I wake in the middle of the night. For me a lot of it is boredom. You seem to have a lot going on. That's great. I am limited as I still have young dc.

I also have that foggy dazed feeling which takes the shine off everything and I also have no concentration so I waste a lot of time.

I do wonder if it is depression or just normal adjusting to a new life and also grieving and feeling sad over it all. So sorry I haven't really answered your question!

NotJanine Sat 18-Feb-17 18:30:46

I think what you are describing is normal and May be mild depression / anxiety.

From my own experience and those of others on here, this is very common. If you feel you're struggling with it you could see your gp or look for private counselling.

I think the effects of separation /divorce on mental health is generally under-estimated. To the outside world you probably look like you're coping fine.

whereisthesunshine Sat 18-Feb-17 18:37:04

Thank you, this is really reassuring. I am sorry you are still struggling, gottabe. I just don't want to be how I am feeling now become the 'new normal' as especially the anxiety is horrible and makes it all too easy to stay in bed and hide sad.

Donki Sat 18-Feb-17 18:40:02

Grief and depression are not mutually exclusive.
GP won't laugh at you.
If you feel you are coping, then don't worry - grief from being left can be as hard as grief from bereavement.
If you feel it is getting worse or you aren't coping go to your GP. You wouldn't be alone. My exH leaving triggered depression in me. My GP has been very helpful.

You can also self refer to IAPT in many parts of the country (Improved Access to Psychological Therapies) without going through your GP.

RubbishMantra Sat 18-Feb-17 19:16:40

Your GP won't laugh at you. I understand that feeling of waking in with that strange nervousness you describe. I think it's referred to as free floating anxiety. My husband died less than 2 years ago, and I still feel it. Beta-blockers help a lot, from my GP.

Junebirthdaygirl made a reference to Kubler-Ross's grief cycle, and you don't necessarily follow each process of grief in a straight line - you can cycle backwards and forwards between all stages, as do most people before reaching acceptance.

I really do think visiting your GP is a really good place to start. You've put lots of positive things in place already, and asking for help is a positive step too. Have you considered counselling?

It does get easier, I promise.

Julia1973 Sat 18-Feb-17 21:26:14

"Noone? I feel a little silly now..."

You're definitely no alone x Often feel the same. Find myself doing lots of things to appear happy rather than actually feeling happy.
Looking at the grief cycle posted-there's one stage called acceptance. I seem to fall into a slightly different category-resignation.
Think the advice given not this thread so far is sound and you are definitely not aloneex

RubbishMantra Sat 18-Feb-17 22:10:54

If you google George Bonanno, he also makes interesting reading regarding grief and loss. His theory is quite different to Kubler-Ross's. People react to grief in all kinds of ways. We are all individuals after all. Just take what you need from it.

whereisthesunshine Sun 19-Feb-17 08:34:42

Thank you everyone. Some interesting reading. I am defintely not at the acceptance stage yet I feel but go between bargaining and depression maybe.

I might look into counselling. I think a space where I can explore my feelings etc would be good. My friends are brilliant but they are very black and white 'sunshine good - h bad'. I don't think it's as clear cut in my case.

noego Sun 19-Feb-17 09:33:12

Probably both. Withdrawal symptoms from the habit of being with someone. Counselling? great idea. Try to stop away form AD's.

Life gets better believe me. These feelings, thoughts and emotions will pass.

Champers4Pampers Sun 19-Feb-17 10:19:36

The feeling you're describing does sound like anxiety which I have suffered from in the past. It's not surprising after what you've been through.

Lots of good advice on hear.

Counciling is a really good option. Medication/ADs can help but often they're not treating the cause of things, just the symptoms. I think it's much better to talk to someone to get to the root of how your feeling and find the best way to move forward from it.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: