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Listing where I want our relationship to be

(145 Posts)
HarmlessChap Sat 18-Feb-17 14:45:26

I've made a list of objectives of what I think a happy and healthy relationship should be.

The bullet points of which are:-
Kindness
Friendship
Unprompted affection and declarations of love
Physical contact
Regular sex.

This is primarily to focus my mind and give myself some clarity on where I want our relationship to get to and I've gone into detail of how I define each point and where I see we are currently, but no suggestions of how to achieve it.

Would you give such a list to your DP or do you think it would it come across as passive aggressive?

I'm thinking of giving it to her and asking her to do the same and give to me.

OnGoldenPond Sat 18-Feb-17 14:47:18

Seriously?

fc301 Sat 18-Feb-17 14:50:59

Reminds me of the guy with the spreadsheet of times sex was denied with reasons.
I can't see it having the desired effect.

fc301 Sat 18-Feb-17 14:52:04

If I asked you to write a list of all the reasons she's special could you do it?...

GTS Sat 18-Feb-17 14:52:36

Errrrrrrrm, I don't think it would be unreasonable to discuss the 'bullet points' in a general conversation, but I don't think i'd be presenting her with said list..just no.

HmmOkay Sat 18-Feb-17 14:57:49

What is the situation at the moment?

How long have you been together? Are you both happy?

I'm guessing that her list would include things like:

- Equitable contribution to housework and childcare
- Transparency over finances

Naicehamshop Sat 18-Feb-17 14:58:40

I understand where you are coming from, but an actual list??

A lot of people would run for the hills on being presented with this! Maybe just mention in a general way what you consider to be important in a relationship, and ask her what she thinks. smile

KondosSecretJunkRoom Sat 18-Feb-17 14:59:40

Ha! grin

Good luck with that!

HesAnUmptyFlump Sat 18-Feb-17 15:00:42

I think as part of a conversation it would be fine. In the early days of a relationship, I think it's fine to ask someone what they want from a relationsihp. I frequently namechange, but I've been here while so I know the basics of your circs.

I think that, as a springboard for discussion it's fine.

But I do think that you really need to consider why you want to 'save' this relationship, or whether it would actually be better for both of you to walk away.

I think that fc301 has seen the word 'sex' and can't see anything else, but she makes a good point. If asked, could you give reasons why you want to save the relationship with her? What is it about her that means you want to make this work?

(And, "because I love her" is never an acceptable answer wink)

beebeecee Sat 18-Feb-17 15:01:03

shock
Just no! No no no no no!

Somerville Sat 18-Feb-17 15:01:04

Three of them are physical! Which must mean you want more sex, but being presented with that list would be extremely unsexy.

Also, it all just sounds so serious. Laughing together and delighting in each other's company is the glue that keeps relationships together through all the stresses of life, IMO.

SaltBae Sat 18-Feb-17 15:04:41

Change 'her' to 'him' in your OP and you'll get different answers!!

DevelopingDetritus Sat 18-Feb-17 15:05:09

Very unromantic.

fc301 Sat 18-Feb-17 15:05:18

I did interpret the 'list' as gradually drilling down to the real issue. And 'regular sex' can't be made a requirement of a relationship can it??
As PP says all very unsexy ...

DevelopingDetritus Sat 18-Feb-17 15:06:25

Bottom line, it's about sex isn't it.

GertrudeBelle Sat 18-Feb-17 15:07:18

Well it would be a good way to find out quickly that you weren't compatible with her.

Mine would be:

Someone funny and charming who makes me laugh the whole time

Someone naturally sexy who can charm the pants off me without ever making me feel that I am under pressure or obligation to service his sexual needs

Someone intelligent and quick witted

Someone who puts the needs of my kids above his own and is empathetic to my needs without having them spelled out

Someone who totally pulls his weight in every respect

Yup. Safe to say we wouldn't be compatible wink

fc301 Sat 18-Feb-17 15:08:33

www.telegraph.co.uk/men/relationships/10979082/Frustrated-husband-creates-spreadsheet-of-wifes-excuses-for-not-having-sex-with-him.html

fallenempires Sat 18-Feb-17 15:10:18

It all sounds very forced,I would say the same if it were a female posting.I agree with Somerville those are the key things that you should focus on.

fallenempires Sat 18-Feb-17 15:12:31

Gertrude's requirements are spot on also.

OneWithTheForce Sat 18-Feb-17 15:14:02

Are you expecting your wife to sign this?

manandbeast Sat 18-Feb-17 15:15:06

I would definitely discuss those elements with her. I think having a list in your head might help you communicate your needs more clearly. It might help to ask her to consider what she'd like from you.

Being really honest I became much more kind and interested in sex when my husband started pulling his weight with our son and house. Not sure what your situation is but if there are areas of her life where she's stressed / unhappy you might do well to go above and beyond in terms of support for a few months and see if that helps.

DevelopingDetritus Sat 18-Feb-17 15:17:01

He was lucky to be getting it once a week, what with all that nagging.

EllaHen Sat 18-Feb-17 15:19:21

Only someone being deliberately obtuse wouldn't see through this veiled 'I want more sex' declaration. It's all so shallow and superficial.

I would be disappointed to be given this list.

HesAnUmptyFlump Sat 18-Feb-17 15:32:30

Only someone being deliberately obtuse wouldn't see through this veiled 'I want more sex' declaration

But when I was dating again after my marriage failed, I made a list of all the things I was looking for in a relationship.

Everything that Harmless has put on his list were on mine too. There were other things, such as making each other laugh; supportive of my hobbies and interests etc, but sex, and someone who wanted to have sex with me, were definitely on there.

HesAnUmptyFlump Sat 18-Feb-17 15:34:30

And 'regular sex' can't be made a requirement of a relationship can it??

I think it's probably a pretty basic feature of most adult romantic relationships...

And note, he says 'regular' not 'frequent'. They're not synonymous.

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