Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Anyone's DP with ASD?

(12 Posts)
TheCakes Sat 18-Feb-17 14:05:43

Just wondering if anyone's partner has ASD and how it affects your relationship?
I'm struggling with DH and wondering if this could explain it. My son has high functioning autism and some of the traits that led to his diagnosis I see in DH (even though DH isn't his dad).
Things like being obsessed with collecting, his friends are people he met online through his obsessions, he rarely socialises in a general way - it's always linked to his hobbies. I've considered social anxiety before.
He is extremely lacking in any sense of adventure - he once said "I like it in my comfort zone. It's comfortable! Why would I want to leave it?" Which is quite endearing but equally very frustrating.
I won't list it all, but just wondered if anyone has found ways to have a smooth and loving relationship in these circumstances.

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 Sat 18-Feb-17 14:34:15

I have come to realise, don't know why it took so long, that my husband is on the mild end of the spectrum. I find his not being able to look out of the box/comfort zone really difficult to live with at the moment to the point I really wish I could just walk away.

isseywithcats Sat 18-Feb-17 14:51:22

my ex has aspergers (mild) and his rituals were hard to live with, we went to turkey for a holiday and because he like it so much we went there for the next six years , he wouldnt consider anywhere else, in the supermarket he only wanted to buy the few foods he liked didnt think that there was room in the budget for foods i liked, when he upset me couldnt see that it was his behaviour that upset me he would say i was weird for seeing it my way and not his, had very fixed ideas about people if he didnt like someone straight away that was that person not on our list of people we stayed in touch with, discouraged visitors to our house, (i think they made him feel uncomfortable as home was his comfort zone) , in the end thought that chatting up other women online was ok and couldnt see how much he had betrayed me (he did cheat on his previous partner i found out later) said well ive always done it , asd people are fixed and sometimes its hard to get them to be flexible

TheCakes Sat 18-Feb-17 15:16:57

A lot of that sounds familiar Issey.
I now know my ex has aspergers too - it's where DS gets it from, and I realise that's why a lot of his behaviour was odd and impossible to live with.
Now I understand we get on loads better.
That's why I'm wondering with DH.
Yes about the 'approved' people. I can mix with who I want but as a couple it's a lot harder. And don't get me started on money.
The biggest problem I have is that DH doesn't get along well with DS1, so he won't join in with anything we do as a family.
I'm split between being his wife and my boys' mum. I've been very close to walking away this week. As it is, I've barely spoken to DH.
NK34 flowers
It's hard and frustrating, isn't it?

isseywithcats Sat 18-Feb-17 22:49:00

it is you end up doubting yourself and thinking did something i did set him off, but looking back i didnt do anything wrong except let him get away with too much having things his way
i was the stupid one for letting him control me in a subtle way
notice hes now my ex and the guy im with now is so laid back the difference is like chalk and cheese,
some couples manage to find ways of dealing with ASD in one partner some dont, added to our stress was his sons, one high functioning autistic, one aspergers and one very spoilt by mom daughter, then their mom sadly died young and i ended up full time stepmom to the girl and lad with aspergers so you can imagine how hard it was dealing with all these foibles and egos

TheCakes Sat 18-Feb-17 22:59:53

I just don't know what to do. I may be way off the mark with DH but I feel so torn and like he isn't prepared or able to make any effort socially with me.
It's very sad. I feel so needy saying it, but I just want to feel special and close.

jogalong Sat 18-Feb-17 23:52:24

OMG I'm so glad I've found this thread. My life with dh at the moment is a nightmare. I feel so lonely and isolated. He doesn't want anyone in our house hence no visitors. My mum came for the weekend and I doubt she'll ever come again. He was so off and rude to her. As soon as she leaves tomorrow he'll cheer up and act like nothing was ever wrong. He's just so odd and I feel like I'm living in a prison. It's either his odd ways or the highway. There is no compromises with him. Im such a socialable person and envy people with partner's that have good social lives. Our life is so contained and confined to our own house.
Ds has ASD and that's when I copped dh has it too. Feel like such a fool for wasting my life with this man.

TheCakes Sun 19-Feb-17 00:07:12

I really feel for you Jogalong. My mum lives half an hour away and does a lot for me with my DCs, but when she comes over, DH gets up and leaves the room. He'll suddenly need to mow the lawn, or do the dishes or something.
I know my mum can be hard work at times, but it's not too much to ask for him to be polite for the time it takes her to have a cup of tea and say bye to the kids, is it?
I'm really sociable too and feel confined to the same four walls. He'd never stop me from going out, but I would love for us to go out as a couple.

TheCakes Sun 19-Feb-17 17:43:18

Just bumping. I've spent today, swinging between thinking he can't help being so selfish, but we can work on it, to thinking he can't help being so selfish, so there's no hope.
He doesn't seem to have noticed that we haven't had an actual conversation for five days, and I've been going to bed alone, sitting on the other sofa etc.
I imagine he thinks it's bliss....
Been reading up on being in a relationship with Aspergers men, but with my DCs too, I just feel so lost.

NettleTea Sun 19-Feb-17 18:10:16

is he willing to go for an 'official' diagnosis? Some specialist relationship counselling, or reading anything that might help him realise that you are having problems?
My DP has ASD, ADHD and social phobia but knowing and accepting this has helped him alot, but we dont live together. Which actually suits better because Im probably on there myself, and both the kids are, so it saves us all from going mental. Similarly one of my best friends has a husband and son both with Aspergers and they are managing well, thanks to some specialist input

TheCakes Sun 19-Feb-17 19:09:13

That's interesting Nettle. At the moment things are so strained I don't want him to feel like I'm criticising him by raising it. I can't bear another row, and he can't take any form of criticism.
I might raise it in a few days though.
What kind of specialist input has your friend had? We've tried relationship counselling before but haven't really benefited from it. I don't want to chuck in the towel if it is ASD.
Had I realised with DCs dad, I may not have walked away from that one. Or if I had, we could have both been spared a lot of heartache and misunderstanding along the way. I don't want to repeat old mistakes.
starting to wonder if everyone around me has ASD or am I just overthinking the whole thing

NettleTea Sun 19-Feb-17 22:45:02

It was ASD specific counselling, not sure where from, certainly not relate!!

dont forget that you dont have to be an arse with ASD, and it may be a reason for behaviours, but its not an excuse.

I always try to look at a situation and ask myself whether, if I spelt out that I was badly hurt by an action, but without being accusing or blaming, just simply matter of fact - would he be horrified that they hurt you? Or would they not give a toss. That I think is the crux as to whether you have anything to work with

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: