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Toxic MIL - Howe to manage contact

(8 Posts)
Gobbolinothewitchscat Sat 18-Feb-17 13:16:06

I have had numerous posts over the years about MIL so won't go into everything here

However, the long and short of it is that DH has said that he thinks she has a personality disorder and has also shared some pretty disturbing thing about growing up with her and the terrible rages that she had whilst he was growing up and still has - ranting and screaming down the phone. She has form for falling out and alienating numerous family members and has no friends. Unfortunately she has recently retired/was sacked (we're not quite sure) so has lots of time on her hands

DH has agreed that he needs to put boundaries in place as I feel ill with stress and actually cannot cope with another 30 years of this - I'd rather separate even though we have an otherwise happy marriage

I have said I don't want to see them for a good while, I don't want to be contacted by them and I don't want to be left alone with them - DH finds them difficult and has form
for inviting them to our house and buggering off on patient emergencies.

Ive blocked mil's number etc. But Facebook is an issue. I use it to keep in touch with lots of people - particularly school mums so I don't want to delete it.

I have unfollowed MIL but have seen that she has been posting lots of passive aggressive statuses about people who ruin other people's lives etc shock.

I have put her on a restricted profile but would quite like to delete her. However, being a grey rock and just lying low seems the best thing to do. That said, I hate the thought of her pawing through my Facebook profile whilst raging - however innocuous the profile is

Any thoughts? DH putting up some boundaries is a big thing and I don't actually want to do anything that means that the situation sis further inflamed. That said, I just want a total break

MusicIsMedicine Sat 18-Feb-17 13:35:33

Get yourself a second account and add everyone you want to keep contact with to that. Leave the dormant account and her on restricted and let her stew.

I sympathise on the batshit mil, sometimes nc is needed for the sake of our sanity.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Sat 18-Feb-17 14:02:34

I feel ill with the stress of it. We have 3 children aged 4 and under and just don't have the emotional resilience to deal with this anymore

Bluetrews25 Sat 18-Feb-17 14:26:31

Think about proper boundaries together, and make it quite clear that, as a minimum, neither of you are to be left alone with her.

fc301 Sat 18-Feb-17 15:01:41

I'm sorry for what you're going through x

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 18-Feb-17 15:15:25

I remember you from previous writings. I would take this current level of low contact with his mother into making it no contact with her.

You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend, his mother is no different.

Let your DH put up his own boundaries re his mother, I sincerely hope he can stick to them and not cave because he certainly has done so in the past at your overall expense. He needs to fully realise that his enabling behaviours, inertia and FOG (and he is still very much in a FOG state with regards to his parents) has simply hurt him as well as you people as his family unit. Will he consider seeing a therapist or read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward?.

I would either set up a completely separate FB profile or further heighten your security settings if you do not want to come off FB.

Think further about your own boundaries with regards to MIL. I think that ultimately you will both have to be no contact with her given all that she has done. You do not have to follow your DH's lead on this if he wants to maintain any sort of relationship with his parents; you have every right to protect yourself and your children from such people like his mother. Your job amongst many here is to also protect your children from such malign influences. It is also not your fault she is like this, you did not make her this way.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Sat 18-Feb-17 15:49:42

attila - your advice has been amazing through this.

Im finding this so hard as my immediate instinct is to show some give and take and try and resolve matters. But I know I can't.

DH knows if he can't maintain appropriate boundaries - I will have to leave. There is years if this kind of behaviour and generations of this type of stuff.

I'm going to try and get him to read toxic inlaws. There is a rational part of him that agrees that this us intolerable bit then an emotional part that defaults back to denying, then minimising and ultimately blaming me

I need to speak to him some more re: boundaries but we are totally washed out after nearly 2 weeks of awfulness. Im not sure he can actually emotionally cope with discussing things again at the moment. However, he had been putting boundaries into action. He has cancelled a visit and seems not to be if the view that we should see them at Easter.

I'm trying not to think about that at the moment. I've said we will stay at home and we can see who is available for visiting us. No need to make any decisions at the moment. However, the thought of seeing MIL makes me feel ill

picklemepopcorn Sat 18-Feb-17 16:11:05

When you post on FB there is an option called 'except X'. You can get in the habit of using it for most posts and just let the occasional boring one slip past.

Also, in the upper right of her post the arrow gives you an option 'see less like this post'. It will reduce the number of her posts you see without her being able to tell that.

You can do a lot with FB settings if you explore them properly.

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