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Give me examples of how much/little you engage with a significant ex

(30 Posts)
Gertrudeisgerman Sat 18-Feb-17 12:38:31

I'm talking LTR where there was either marriage/houses/kids/pets etc.

My boundaries are fucked and I need help to gauge 'normal' sad

user1483387154 Sat 18-Feb-17 12:39:42

zero contact with my ex H (no kids)
yearly or so fb message with my previous LTR

Kikikaakaa Sat 18-Feb-17 12:40:31

We speak when we hand kids over, friendly and civil chit chat about kids/work/family stuff and maybe text about things to do with kids but nothing more.

PolkadotPony Sat 18-Feb-17 12:43:25

My exH and I text if arrangements need to change, or to check on the children when it's been a few days away for either of us. Five minute exchange of information at pick up or drop off, and that's it.

Ikeameatballs Sat 18-Feb-17 12:44:08

Zero contact with ex-h no kids. I think the last time I saw him was 7.5 years ago, he was remarried with 2 dc and I was with now ex- dp with 1dc and one on the way.

Contact with ex-dp only about kids, no chit chat. He was a complete cock when he realised I was moving on so now I won't allow him in my house.

Other ex's no contact though I'd say hello if I happened to bump into them socially.

Moregilmoregirls Sat 18-Feb-17 12:44:26

Ex H no kids, zero contact

Kim82 Sat 18-Feb-17 12:45:02

I text to ask which day ds will be going that week if it isn't already arranged. I also have to text once a week to ask for the maintenance he is meant to give weekly - he never pays unless I ask for it first, makes me feel like I'm begging for it and I hate it. Apart from that we don't speak at all.

Helbelle75 Sat 18-Feb-17 12:46:39

Ex dp, together 10 years, no kids.
No contact.

jeaux90 Sat 18-Feb-17 12:51:12

1 kid with ex. He lives in Singapore I'm no contact with him but have to email a couple of times a year for legal stuff.

If your ex is an abuser then limit contact down to factual stuff about kids only. No emotions and don't respond unless it's kid related.

TryingToStartOver Sat 18-Feb-17 12:51:18

I am trying to be completely no contact but every now and then, usually after he has caught sight of me somewhere, I get a barrage of emails and texts to which I eventually just have to text back with go through my solicitor.

He was emotionally and financially abusive, and is still playing the victim with the kids, two adult and one teenager, mournfully saying that he doesn't understand why I don't want to see him.

A year after he left, he is on his third woman that I know of, and we are still not divorced as he has delayed every step of the way. I am still in the marital home with the two youngest and he is forever coming round but never gives us notice so I can come downstairs on a weekend morning to find him pottering in the garden despite me telling him repeatedly that I don't want him to. I definitely think it is a control thing as he was never interested in the garden when he lived here. But it means that while this is going on I can't move on with my life.

As soon as the divorce is settled and I can sell up and move on I fully intend to have absolutely no contact whatsoever.

category12 Sat 18-Feb-17 12:52:08

Texts about pick-ups (and the occasional angry screed from him which I ignore and are hopefully diminishing).

Civil chat with him on handovers. He tries to tell me too much about his life and is nosy about mine, but I don't give much back. I make him a coffee, while the dc dress/pack to go to his, he drinks it and they go (2hr drive, otherwise I wouldn't).

Occasional other contact about divorce or the dc, but they're both old enough to tell him anything they feel is relevant, so I leave them to manage their relationships with him.

oldfatandtired1 Sat 18-Feb-17 12:53:51

Ex husband of 25 years, 2 grown up kids, no contact whatsoever.

Bob19701 Sat 18-Feb-17 12:55:28

Exw , 2 children one now adult .. Contact via text only for childcare arrangements/school etc . Friendly but not matey if we had no children it would be zero contact .

ComtesseDeSpair Sat 18-Feb-17 12:58:06

Ex and I are good friends and see each other at least every couple of weeks. We also share a business (though we're both "arms length", we don't work in it together) and a second home which we timeshare with each other.

We separated relatively amicably though, so we've never had to negotiate bad behaviour or anger towards each other.

I think that if spending time with / having contact with your ex makes you feel unhappy, then you need to limit it and put conditions in place on it - so you only communicate about DC or shared property or whatever and only by text or email unless it's urgent or too complex.

AnotherUsedName13 Sat 18-Feb-17 12:59:02

I'm still friends with all my exes, I think. There was usually a period of space after the break up but we're now in good terms.

My ex-fiance (no kids) I probably exchange a few texts with in a month, and I have visited him and his family (his DW was a friend of mine before they got together and we get on). I went on a girls holiday with her a few years ago, actually. We live in separate countries though, so we won't be meeting up any time soon.

I seem to be unusual on MN but in my real life circles it has never seemed weird.

sandragreen Sat 18-Feb-17 13:01:05

minimal contact re DC arrangements.

If they are not ready when he picks up I might say "cold out there isn't it?" or something equally bland.

No personal conversations but I would say we are amicable.

What's worrying you? Is this your X or is a concern about your DPs relationship with an X?

BlueClearSkies Sat 18-Feb-17 13:01:45

ExH, together 15 years, 2 kids, divorced 10 years. I am now married.

We speak several times a week, usually about the kids. Can be chatty. Rarely see each other. I think this is too much and am trying to cut down on the contact. I still feel responsible for his happiness and have to let that go.

Fizzyknickers Sat 18-Feb-17 13:07:59

Wow! I'm shocked by all these comments.

ex, 1 child 50/50 residency. Handover happens at school (wed and fri; one drops off, other picks up) so no 'need' for contact but I do see him 2/3 times a week. Have each other's dogs for holidays/weekends etc.

Hideous break up, solicitors and ££££ in court costs, now really amicable

SteppingOnToes Sat 18-Feb-17 13:10:34

Dp contacts ex re kids when needed ie before drop off/pick up, changes of plans. She contacts (and me if he doesn't respond) him daily about various things that have no parenting relevance.

I co parented with my aunt and uncle (cousins kids who died) and contact was about pickups, drop offs mainly but also about family things too unrelated to the children - but that's a totally unusual situation

TataEs Sat 18-Feb-17 13:12:33

i speak to my ex every 2-3weeks for no other reason than we are friends. our boundaries are blurred tho as when we broke up 9 years ago i lived in house share with his brother, and he lived in house share with my best friend. we worked two different jobs together and at one point i was his supervisor. we were forced to get on. we are both in long term happy relationships. but we still are friends. he cheated on me but things ended amicably enough.

TheStoic Sat 18-Feb-17 13:17:46

Ex husband and I are friends. 2 kids, 50/50 care.

Chat via text most days. See each other 2-3 times per week, have a brief chat at those times.

Gertrudeisgerman Sat 18-Feb-17 13:27:21

Thanks all. I'm worried about amount of contact with ExH as my psychiatrist thinks I have a mix of PTSD/Stockholm type syndrome. Major physical and sexual abuse (police involved) caused marriage breakdown but we still text often (re DC's etc) and I'm exploring why I still feel guilt/responsibility 2.5 years later.

Also recently split with new DP who was very involved with his ex (owned house together, shared dogs, pictures of each other up in living room, daily contact etc) and he sold this as 'normal' but you have all reassured me it wasn't. He has been trying to get us back together and as a people pleaser I hate conflict / saying no. I need reminders of boundaries and normal behaviour!

Gertrudeisgerman Sat 18-Feb-17 13:28:18

flowers to you all.

yousignup Sat 18-Feb-17 13:28:30

Went to see DD's teacher together with exDP yesterday. Do all teacher /parent/school shows/concerts etc together for both DC. No custody agreement, DC live with me but see their father daily. Spend all feast days eg Christmas, birthdays together, party/dinner normally at my house, ex always comes. If I travel for work, DC sleep at father's, no pick up/drop off times. Often call with chat and non DC issues. Ex DP very supportive of my illness (neurological), always helpful. We are very very lucky I know. He is a lovely man and fantastic father. I have remarried, ex DP has not.

TheStoic Sat 18-Feb-17 13:29:56

None of what you describe sounds normal or healthy, OP.

But even if it was, if you don't like it that's all that matters. Nobody gets to tell you what you should find acceptable.

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