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different ideas about sex

(173 Posts)
Kikikaakaa Sat 18-Feb-17 10:38:43

I'm a lurker not much of a poster. This is a sex 'problem' which feels ridiculous to post! I'm really sorry if it looks like a brag or something, it is not my intention at all.

I don't live with my DP/BF of over a year but we see each other frequently or at least speak every day if we can't see each other.
Everything is lovely. Kids have met and get on. He is great. We don't fall out about anything, still very much honeymoon period. wink

Which lies the issue, I didn't want to post in sex forum blush although it's a sex issue. He is not a sleazy guy, and he is very very respectful to me as a woman and a person. He would never send me an unsolicited dick pic etc or do anything I didn't like. But he's so dedicated to the art of sex that it's very driven and controlled instead of spur of the moment. This is so hard to explain... he likes to make the entire session last hours and hours. Sting and Trudy style. He clearly gives it a LOT of thought and although I appreciate getting spoilt, it's easy to get really tired and lose interest after a certain length of time. Which I then feel bad about because he's putting in so much effort. So he will sort me out first but make that last ages and then try to make himself last for a long period of time. I am trying new ingenious ways of ensuring he can't last!
I want to address it, and I have said to him before - how about a quicky? Or I will stop it because I'm hungry and need a rest, and he is fine with this. He doesn't get annoyed. But he doesn't seem to want a quicky, sometimes we miss opportunities to have sex because it won't be An Event Of Epic Proportion like a 3 hour action movie. The other day we didn't have very long but I was up for it, and he turned me down due to lack of time.

I don't want to hurt his (ego) feelings or his enjoyment thing he has that I clearly am a big part of confused.

There is also a little part of me that although I appreciate being sexually worshipped, I feel like this is time spent that we could be you know, talking, or doing something else equally intimate.

I think he has insecurities that he hasn't really discussed and I am not sure he is really aware of them. He wants me to know he isn't just a 'nice guy' and isn't boring so is trying to prove this. I suspect he had crap sex with his ex wife and hasn't had much experience before that so at times I feel a bit like a sexual experiment confused

Does any of this make sense? Am I being a spoilt brat?

Cricrichan Sat 18-Feb-17 10:43:54

No you're not being a brat and he doesn't get to dictate your sex life! You need to talk to him and tell him how you feel (and how you feel is perfectly normal! )

Somerville Sat 18-Feb-17 10:48:33

You're doing both of you a disservice if you don't talk to him about it. It sounds way too full on. (Have you tried, and he dismisses your opinion? That's a massive problem if so.)

And the whole point of the tantric thing, as far as I understand it, is being intensely intimate with someone. It's about staying really connected to how the other one is feeling and reacting. We do a bit of that (on the rare occasions we have time for much more than a quickie) and DH would notice in an instant if I was getting bored or sore or my mind had drifted.

CocoaX Sat 18-Feb-17 10:48:57

No, it sounds awful to me. He is not respecting your wishes and there is no spontaneity. I would hate what you describe. Have you told him how you feel?

category12 Sat 18-Feb-17 10:51:07

Bit left field: just wondering if he might be using medication for erectile dysfunction? It can make it harder to get to orgasm yet carry on for ages, and might explain why he's not spontaneous, if he's worried about the quality of his erection without the pill. Just a thought.

gamerchick Sat 18-Feb-17 10:54:38

You need to talk to him about it. Don't worry about hurting his feelings. It's going make you dread it eventually.

AllTheLight Sat 18-Feb-17 10:55:03

Sorry but this would drive me mad OP!

Wallywobbles Sat 18-Feb-17 10:56:13

As above I'd go bonkers with this. 15 minutes is a feast where I'm concerned.

Kikikaakaa Sat 18-Feb-17 10:56:45

He's not taking anything but he clearly struggles to stop himself coming too soon so most of the session is stopping and starting. It can be lovely as it is intimate touching not just full on sex, but he tries so hard not to let go and make it last that I don't understand it - just have an orgasm!

He doesn't dismiss my opinion but it just doesn't happen, if I ask for a quicky he might say no as lack of time or frequently it just turns into something that lasts 45 mins!

I think I need to start telling/showing what I would like and I do like something very spontaneous and passionate, not something pre planned and Epic

Snifftest Sat 18-Feb-17 10:56:49

You need to fulfill BOTH of your sex needs. I'm with you, a spur of the moment quicky is much more me, but DH likes the big shebang. You need to say something like "I really like a quicky sometimes" but do it when you are not just about to, or have just had sex.

Kikikaakaa Sat 18-Feb-17 11:00:45

Sometimes what is the hard part that becomes difficult is kissing for hours. My face is bloody sore after!

I lube because i don't want to be sore anywhere else

Somerville Sat 18-Feb-17 11:26:06

Why don't you stop kissing and say "my jaw is starting to ache"? I really think you should end a session if you become uncomfortable. That isn't what sex is about - and it's very far from what tantric sex is about.

I really think you need to be upfront with him. You've tried subtlety and hints and it isn't working.

If you really think he means well and will listen, then a way of starting the conversation would be, "now that we've been together a year we know each other's bodies so much better I think we could be more experimental and do..."

Though I think you might need to be quite blunt for him to get it. And if he takes offence or dismisses you then bloody end it.

Kikikaakaa Sat 18-Feb-17 11:28:49

He does mean well. But I think he's sensitive and I don't want to upset him in the way I do it. I think I will have to put my brave pants on and just be upfront! Thank you

I think it has moments of being tantric - the first time. Then by the 3rd time it isn't 😫😂

PalcumTowder Sat 18-Feb-17 11:37:00

He's actually not "sexually worshipping" you. This is very far from being about you, because you've told him what you want and he's not listened. It's all for him.

Kikikaakaa Sat 18-Feb-17 11:38:24

The whole thing seems to be centred around my body not his. I don't actually spend much time doing things to him, and not all of it is straight sex.

PalcumTowder Sat 18-Feb-17 11:40:39

That's not my point - it may be about your body but it's not about you as a whole person. Your mind, your preferences, your dislikes. You've asked for it to not last so long and he's ignored that.

Kikikaakaa Sat 18-Feb-17 11:42:20

Yeah I see that. That's why it's weird. Because it's all about my body not ME

PalcumTowder Sat 18-Feb-17 11:42:49

Have you said that to him?

Somerville Sat 18-Feb-17 11:44:22

Yes Palcum has expressed it really well.

It's why what you describe sounds nothing like loving sex.

AllTheLight Sat 18-Feb-17 11:44:55

Palcum is right - he's making assumptions about what you like, but they are not based on what you are actually saying to him. It does sound like you need to be more up front.

NameChanger22 Sat 18-Feb-17 11:45:23

It sounds like my idea of hell.

Maybe you're not a good match?

noego Sat 18-Feb-17 11:51:32

Tell him to stop fucking about and give you a good seeing too smile

Kikikaakaa Sat 18-Feb-17 11:53:44

I suppose we aren't really sure whether we are in love: we don't say it.

we have spoken about the future of us in a general way but now I am paranoid that the epic sex marathons have become more of a focus than anything else, I'm less girlfriend than sex partner gradually? Although we are gradually integrating our lives more, with each other's kids.

He's way preoccupied with this more than ever very recently, even when we out doing something else I know it's on his mind because he will drop hints (that I often just smile at) and just now, he's still sending me texts about it even though he's been gone a few hours and we had hours of sex!

The more I post the more this is driving me mad! He's always been like this but it's getting more intense not tailing off

Kikikaakaa Sat 18-Feb-17 11:55:01

I don't know if I am living in a virtual reality porno movie hmm

Zaphodsotherhead Sat 18-Feb-17 11:58:55

I have a similar problem OP! My OH is not very sexually experienced and got most of his ideas about sex from porn, so he thinks he should stay hard for hours, should be pumping away - or conversely that I should have orgasm after orgasm the longer he goes on.

I can't. I've tried, I am not multi orgasmic. So after I've come I just want to have a cup of tea or read a book or something, not have to make appreciative noises for another hour.

I've tried whispering 'i just want you to come' to him. That often works! Or you could try telling him that you're a little sore and would appreciate something a bit less intense for a while?

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