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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Gutted I reacted so badly.

175 replies

C0rdelia · 18/02/2017 08:03

My daughter had a weekend off and came home last night for the first time since Christmas. She rang from the train at 8.30. I asked if she had eaten and she said 'No'. I started cooking her some dinner (pasta, tuna, salad) and my OH started shouting at me for making food! I react badly to being shouted at and started sculling wine so by the time she got in I was very noticeably affected. I used to have a real problem with drink and make a point of not drinking at all when my children visit. First time home in months and she's seen me at my worst and took herself to bed. :-(

OP posts:

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category12 · 18/02/2017 08:11

Why did your oh shout about making food? Are they usually like that? Are you in a bad relationship?

Secondly, you still have an alcohol problem. I would apologise to your dd and be careful not to drink anymore this weekend. Long-term, go to your gp about stopping. If you really want to get it under control.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 18/02/2017 08:11

Can you explain to her why you started drinking? I'm sure she'd understand.
Besides that, why was your OH shouting at you for cooking food for her? Perfectly normal for a mum to want to cook for her DD who she hasn't seen for ages.
Perhaps you and your DD could go out together this morning for breakfast - have a little time together (without your OH spoiling it for you), just the two of you.
The drinking alcohol to anaesthetise yourself against being shouted at is understandable (I've done it) but it won't ever end well. Maybe you need some help with self confidence and learning to stand up for yourself. You did nothing wrong.

AyeAmarok · 18/02/2017 08:22

What is your husband's issue with you making food? Was he drunk too?

C0rdelia · 18/02/2017 08:29

He said to wait until she got home and ask what she wanted. If I made something she didn't like, she'd feel obliged to eat it and who the fuck wants pasta at 9 o'clock.

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C0rdelia · 18/02/2017 08:32

I do still have an alcohol problem. I see a counsellor every month and I have coping methods which normally work. Just not last night and I bet she leaves this morning.

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picklemepopcorn · 18/02/2017 08:34

Yes you have an alcohol problem but you also have an OH problem. Apologise to her, tell her you will not drink again while she is here, and reassure her that you generally remember better strategies for managing when OH hassles you.

I hope she stays.

SmellySphinx · 18/02/2017 08:34

Why is your other half flipping out just because you made some pasta ffs

Lweji · 18/02/2017 08:36

Does your OH shout at you a lot?

Did he really shout or did he point out that she might not want the food you were preparing?
He was right in that respect. Why didn't you ask her if she wanted to eat and what?

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 18/02/2017 08:39

C0rdelia please explain to your DD. Tell her you're sorry and how pleased you are that she's here. That you were excited and started cooking and only began drinking because you were being shouted at. Then suggest you go out together for breakfast just the two of you.

C0rdelia · 18/02/2017 08:40

He does shout if I annoy him.

I just do what I've grown up with re food. Visitor coming? Guests? Family?
Prepare food.

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C0rdelia · 18/02/2017 08:41

She had a bowl full and enjoyed it. I know what she likes to eat. :-)

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Morphene · 18/02/2017 08:42

You are taking active steps to improve your life and you should be proud of that. It is of course a mistake and an unfortunately timed one, but people make mistakes - we are kind of famous for it! Apologise, forgive yourself the error and refocus on the good work you are doing more generally.

ColdFeetinWinter · 18/02/2017 08:42

Cordelia I'm not going to place the blame everywhere other than you, the person who picked up the wine bottle as that won't help you. Only you can change your behaviour.

If you can't cope with OH and want to blame him for your alcohol problems leave him. Then you'll be fine, right?

Your poor DD.

DizzyFizzyLizzy · 18/02/2017 08:42

Don't think telling the DD is a good plan really. Landing her in the middle of your marital issues the minute she's home isn't going to make her want to visit more. I hate it when my mum does that.

There must be more to this. No one just starts shouting about pasta. If it genuinely is true, he sounds like a wanker and bonkers into the bargain.

ChaChaChaCh4nges · 18/02/2017 08:43

I have alcoholics in my family, so I'm asking this question from a place of experience and understanding:

Did he really shout, or did you use him questioning your cooking as an excuse to start drinking?

It only takes a few minutes to cook pasta so you must have drunk a huge amount extremely quickly to have been noticeably affected by the time your DD arrived. Which also makes me question whether you'd been drinking before you started cooking.

Foldedtshirt · 18/02/2017 08:43

The food and even the shouting are not the issues here. It's the drinking. Are you trying to manage your alcoholism by controlling it? That doesn't work I'm afraid.

mintthins · 18/02/2017 08:43

What you did with the food was a perfectly normal natural and loving thing to do. Your OH's reaction was thoughtless and unkind. Obviously the alcohol issue is separate.

Why not just go and give your daughter a hug and ask her to stay. Put last night behind you and your best foot forward.

ColdFeetinWinter · 18/02/2017 08:44

Everyone sympathising saying its a one off, well done for trying, it's your OH's fault is just giving you permission to do this again.

MadMags · 18/02/2017 08:45

I agree with Cold.

No, he shouldn't have shouted but you picked up the bottle, not him.

If you think she's going to leave now, I'm guessing she's had to see quite a lot in her youth regarding your alcohol abuse.

Let her leave if that's what she needs to do. The poor girl.

ColdFeetinWinter · 18/02/2017 08:47

I'm sure people will pile in to comfort you and tell me I'm harsh but this thread was posted purely to get validation of your decision to drink.

It's not helpful to give you that

C0rdelia · 18/02/2017 08:47

I ' ll apologise, of course, and it is my fault. Nobody forced me to drink.

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DizzyFizzyLizzy · 18/02/2017 08:49

I also agree with Cold and I don't really buy your version of events tbh.

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Notagain2017 · 18/02/2017 08:49

Assume he is not her father?

SnugglyBedSocks · 18/02/2017 08:50

If you have a problem with alcohol why is it even in the house?

ElspethFlashman · 18/02/2017 08:50

So you were sober at 8.30 but by 9 you were wasted?

Wow you really must have been "sculling" it.

How many glasses did you take in that half hour?

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