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My mum overstepping or am i being silly ?(28 Posts)
Bit of history.
I have a twin sister a few years ago we had a big falling out due to her drug issues and then threatening me and my children which i believed she would carry out if she had the opportunity. I went NC for years, in that timw she was sectioned a few timea, took overdoses. On one occasion i got a call from intensive care as they didnt expect her to last the night and she asked for me. I went but regretted it, she got better.
Recently my step dad had a big birthday and we had a meal out.
I attended and my sister was also there which is the first time ive seen her for 2 years. Prior to this we had a group chat for arranging the bday pressie.
She has started txting me which ive ignored some and brief reply to others.
2 of my children had hospital appts this week and today i get a txt from sister saying about them and whats happening. She knew the results and action plans, the only family member who knows is my mum. I txt asking her not to pass my info onto sis as its mine to choose who i give it to. Shes gone batshit saying she wont ask how we are and she cant do anything etc and generally playing the victim.
Am wrong ? Surely as an adult i get to chose who i tell what and its not my mums place.
So fed up of getting left out so sis can be invited to things and because shes alone gets presidence over me and my family like i should suck up her behaviour towards me and forgive and forget which i seem to have done all my life beforegoing NC.
Wow far too long.
Sorry feel good venting though.
Well done if you read all that
I think you are being over sensitive, my mother would probably talk about family things with my brother and vice versa. You don't sound like you like your sister much, is there a bit of resentment there?
Resentment.... she threatened to drive to my house and smash my face in so my children wouldnt recognise me.
She hasnt really got anything to resent to be honest. She was a bright girl and had good prospects but decided drugs would be great and has wrecked her life, caused my mum and step dad so much pain and worrying. I cut myself off to protect myself physically and mentally as being in her life is a constant worry of what she will do next.
I think shes done enough for me not to like her.
My mum knows we have no relationship and i have asked her not to tell her about my children, is that too much to ask ?
I understand you want to tell your mum things but not have your sister be privy to all the personal information.
I think all you can do is be firm with your mum that you are not ok with her lack of discretion. In the circumstances she probably hopes to bring you closer once more, so let her know respectfully if you can't face that.
You don't sound like you like your sister much, is there a bit of resentment there?
Have you actually read the OP,s Post?
I understand op, you don't want her in your life, for very valid reasons and I dare say that is the reason your sensitive about the information she's been given. Your mother's reaction sounds quite pathetic, TBH. In what way did you soak to your mother? Were you angry, raised voice or simply explaining your viewpoint? She does seem to have over reacted.
I didn't even want my sister, the mother of the children that I took in, to know when my dear husband died, as she had no right to know what was going on in my life.
I think you have a right to privacy and it sounds as if your sister was just proving that she knew what was going on in your life, to point score, or do you think she was genuinely concerned?
It was text messages with my mum.
I asked her not to pass things onto my sister and she said she hadnt, i said well you have as she knows about it all and i have only told you. She then said she'd just said about the appts so i replied " well she seems to know a lot of details of thats all you said. Why lie about it ?"
She replied saying not to call her a liar so i told her to re read her messages.
When my sister txt me i just had a sinking feeling and knew my mum had told her even though i have told her more than once that i get to choose who i tell what. If ahe shared it with my brother who i have a relationship with thats fine.
When we had this meal i was civil with my sister and told my mum that was all it was and not to expect us to have a relationship from that.
I was in a similar position, OP. I was NC/low contact with my grandfather (mothers dad). When she wouldn't respect my wishes to not share specific things (that I had specifically asked her not to share), I told her if she crossed that boundary again I'd be low contact/NC with her too.
She seemed to think that because he approved of what it was I didn't want her to tell him it was fine. She couldn't understand I didn't want his approval at all.
I expect your mum has been through the mill with your sister over the years, and is also upset about your estrangement.
She probably feels like she's in the middle, loving you both and wishing that you'd make up.
If your sister is making moves to indicate that she's in a happier place and would like to be more involved with your family, then your mum is in a difficult place if you really don't want that. I can imagine how hard it must be for her, if your sister is asking after you, to keep quiet.
It is your right to be nc with your sister, but cut your mum some slack. It doesn't sound like she's revealed any big secrets and she probably feels like she's getting in the neck again despite trying to do right by everyone.
Normandy it is that like she can choose what to share.
HappyJanuary... i get what youre saying but ive been through the mill with her and have made it ckear i do not care what shes does if I want to have a relationship with my sister its up to me not my mum to force it. Shes not in the middle at all, if a question is asked just say yep shes fine no biggie. Dont share my childrens medical history and treatment.
We have had this conversation soo many times that im sick of it. Its like shes worth more and mum wants to please her more than think about my feelings in this.
It feels like iam irrelevant and my feelings dont count as she has had it hard. From her own making i might add.
she threatened to drive to my house and smash my face in so my children wouldnt recognise me
You need to make sure your mum knows about that and that you believe that its a genuine threat.
Tell your mum that, as a result you wish to control the amount of information that your sister has about you and your kids so that as and when she has drug related episodes she doesn't have so much to use against you, whether in a genuinely threatening way or simply for manipulation.
And if she can not respect your wishes and keep what you share with her between the two of you, you will have to control the amount of information and involvement that she has about your and your kids lives, and mean it.
I think you will need to limit the amount of information that you give your Mum now that she has shown that she won't respect your wishes not to reveal private medical information.
I agree with everything you say op, I really do.
But I have four dc, all late teens and twenties, and managing disagreements between them now they are adults often makes me uncomfortable.
Sometimes I'm told something and asked 'not to tell the others' and I don't, but I often feel like I'm lying or deceiving them in some way. I would much rather they didn't tell me in the first place, so I'm not in that position so maybe that's where your mum is coming from too?
It's sad that you think your mum values your sister's feelings above yours. I'm sure it's not the case. If you feel sidelined it is probably because you appear reliable and sorted, needing less support.
I can't imagine watching my child destroy themselves through drugs, living through their overdoses, being told they won't survive the night.
You are right. Your mum should respect your wishes to be nc with your sister, but I know in her heart she will be desperate for you to reconcile. Your sister's threat to you was awful but it was also several years ago and when she was unwell. You are under no obligation to forgive or forget but your mum will want it so much.
That's all I'm saying - she was indiscreet to tell your sister about the hospital appointments, and you're understandably angry, but she probably feels it was such a minor thing and now here she is being on the receiving end of yet more grief.
I agree with Happy January. It's so difficult being the dm in this situation. You want to love all your dc even if one is gone off the rails and being caught in between is the worst thing. You are a dm yourself and l'm sure when they grow you would be broken hearted if you were dragged into their arguments. Saying that you are perfectly right not to have contact with your dsis so you will need to keep stuff from your dm. It's too much to blame her if she says things. However my own dm has lots of children, no one fighting but she is the soul of discretion and never crosses stories from one to another. We laugh at the things she chooses not to tell but it's because she believes it's our own business to tell stuff to one another. It has helped to keep good relationships going. I do just feel a bit sorry for your dm here.
So, at the risk of upsetting your mum, you need to tell her she won't be given information about the medical issues if you can't trust her not to pass it on.
I don't agree with pp saying it was years ago, your sister was unwell. She still sounds very volatile and it takes a long time to re-build the trust.
What level of contact do you want with your sister now; are you ok with the current level of contact or do you want to lower it?.
You need to raise your own too low boundaries higher with regards to your mother. She has shown that she cannot be trusted not to pass on sensitive information re your family unit so tell her nothing from now on.
She knows she has done wrong here but will not admit to doing so, instead playing the victim instead and blaming you. Its a role she has likely taken her whole life re your dysfunctional sister as well. I would also argue that she and her H have played a large part in forming this overall dynamic too, they have and will continue to enable your sister to yours and your sister's detriment.
Don't tell your mother anything you are not happy being made public knowledge. If she finds out later, tell her why.
Agree, OP. Your mother can gush all about her grandchildren to her other daughter. She can share with her she's worried about their health and upcoming appointments. And stop there.
There is no need to detail your children's medical history and specific appointment times to your sister against your specified wishes. Your sister can provide empathy and support to your mother without those details.
I suggest you adopt this approach with your mother - omit details and when she presses you on them, tell her you prefer not to place her in that position again. And remind her how difficult she found it last time not to "accidentally" share information with your sister.
Thank you all.
January i do understand how hard this must be for my mum (im a mum to 4 dc as well) and previously my sister would try to get her to mediate and when i went nc i told mum that i didnt want this to affect her and sis relationship and i get she wants us to be a big happy family but i cannot but my own mental health below heres by trying to maintain a relationship.
We literally have had nc for years and only 10 txts as a group message for sdad bday she has tried to txt me separately and i reply very vaguely. Part of me feels really sorry for her, she is a shell with the meds shes on but then i remember the hurtful things she has said and done.
I will have to limit what i tell my mum which is sad but its the only way isnt it.
My mum is nc with one of my brothers ans i wouldnt dream of telling him anything about her. But thats typical of my mum its ok for her to do something but not us!
Why are families so messed up!
After all the distress and heartache your DM still hopes you will all get along. I expect part of your sister's recovery process is taking an interest in the lives of those around her, appreciating everyday things, etc. Your DM probably felt very encouraged by you both attending stepfather's birthday event recently. Later in conversation she must have mentioned her grandchildren's health. I would imagine from a well-intentioned gesture to update your twin and pointing out what is going on in your life at present. That upset you and she flared up. Your DM is very sensitive to your sister's journey but I bet she would do anything for your children not to be ill. It doesn't mean in future she gets to repeat stuff you expressly ask her not to share.
It may feel like staying clean and being the 'good' twin is unappreciated and all your accomplishments are overlooked? (Does DB ever voice similar thoughts?). Maternal guilt being what it is, it is possible your DM secretly blames herself for your sister being an addict. Now your sister is getting a second chance at life and yet again your DM is focussing on her. Parents help those who need it the most, be proud of yourself that you don't need it.
You said your piece. I hope you and your DM stay close. I don't blame you for being cautious where your sister is concerned. Some people never come back from addiction, I wish your sister well.
I also hope my sister heals and there are times i hear a song on the radio and makes me want yo tell her about it or remonds me of when we are kids.
There is a bit of a feeling that as im ok, work hard, have a happy family dont need any help that she gets more attention but now i have no expectations. Ive learnt to not plan anything with mum on or near my bday as sis with have an episode and a few of the ods were on our bday or xmas.
My mum and db fell out as he is older and was a massive cause of sis addictions. He introduced her to drugs, supplied and encouraged her. I dont talk to him anymore but no real falling out just have very different lives.
Im just sad that i cant chat freely with mum without it all being memorised and repeated back to someone i dont feel should have it. If it was something is put on facebook then fine. X
I may (highly likely!) be projecting, but i think is a bit unfair OP is being told, think of your DSis, think of your DM and because she's now saying DSis is in a good place- OP has to accept this and be grateful?
Unfortunately I think the only solution here is that you don't share personal info with your DM. Assume that she will repeat anything you tell her to your sister and adjust what you say accordingly
I sympathise with you I really do I'm nc with my sister due to her appalling behaviour I'm also low contact with my mom (We were nc for years) people expect me to forgive and forget her behaviour I am asking for an apology it's the least I deserve apparently I'm the unreasonable one I'm not I've just had enough with her actions having zero real life consequences
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