Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Feeling overworked and disconnected with partner

(11 Posts)
Creativeandpetite2016 Fri 17-Feb-17 16:13:11

I really don't know what to do as I have never really felt this way before with my partner nor have I felt this way with anything in life until now. We have been together a few years and bought a house in 2016. The house was a tad overwhelming as we had so many issues as it was a new build with builders, something I didnt expect lets say.

He has a very high sex drive and well he had issues with his ex before with regards to her not really being that into him or having a sex drive at all. So with me he was all over me at the start which I really couldnt handle nor liked.

We are still very attracted to one another, he is 9 years older than me, hitting 50 this year and we both keep fit at the gym and fairly healthy lifestyles.

However, the first issue I found with him was I always thought he was too old for me but he treats me well which he does and will do anything for me. Our sex drives were a tad strange at the start as we later found out he had many insecurities related to sex thanks to his horrid ex partner and we have now overcome them I would say a year later. What concerns me is that use to have a very high sex drive, well I use to always want it pretty much most nights with previous partners, but with him, because he had a few issues at the start from the ex, it has put a huge strain on things and makes me feel more pressured and stressed so its not as relaxed shall we say.

Whenever I don't cuddle him alot or give him enough physical attention he gets very moody, grumpy and use to say in the past we are becoming like an old married couple. I feel he has very high expectations of me or just needs a lot of attention. I use to give it more when we first went out but did use to say to him that I felt he was a little too much and to slow things down he's just over the top sexually here. Which he did.

We are very close and we do get on really well even though I am painting a horrific picture of him, he is a lovely guy and has learnt to understand me in the way that I need space, or I like to do things alone, work, gym etc.

lately my work is highly demanding, I work for myself seeing clients daily and it does drain me, I wont lie. But during the week I really don't want him anywhere near me until its the weekend when I am chilled out, its like my work comes first and I cant seem to think of anything else apart from work.

This is happening more and more over the months and weeks....its like my sex drive isn't there at all now, which is completely depressing me....

The worst of it all, is I am having these dreams about younger men, annoyingly so and then at the same time feel disconnected with my partner, I am worried in case I don't feel satisfied with him sexually or Im just stressed not sure which of it is as I do love him.

So my feeling here is I feel like I have to take on all this responsibility to make someone else happy if that makes sense as well as all my clients and I feel I am going to burst!! hopefully not, but i have lost a tremendous amount of weight and feel very much overwhelmed ....

don't think I am depressed as I am looking forward to seeing friends, family etc and still eat like a pig...lol - I enjoy going out with friends but feel something else in my life is missing and is making me feel angry, strained and defensive all the time. .....but its the whole sex thing, its just not happening for me with him and really don't want to do it....I am bored and stressed at home yes and I do feel he doesnt make me feel excited/happy anymore. I have told him that I don't feel myself and he knows this but he isn't sure what to do as he has asked what can he do to help me....

I don't want an affair or would do this, I just want my old self back again. ....

anyone ever had this before? thank you for reading x

user1477054316 Fri 17-Feb-17 17:09:48

Just a thought but maybe he hounded his ex partner for sex to the point of her feeling pressured too? There's nothing as unsexy as being hounded and mauled at. I have a husband and great sex life considering we have small children but the few times he's pestered me and made me feel pressured is when I start to switch off. Maybe talk to him about this? Explain that you want excitement in lots of ways other than sex, then the sex might just pick up as a side effect of being happier together. Try to rest when you can and do some things for yourself that help with the stress of your work. Good luck!

Adora10 Fri 17-Feb-17 17:17:15

He sound hard work so that's probably why you feel stressed out by him; he's demanding, insecure and sexually pressuring you; it's all about him and his needs and wants, doesn't sound like he cares much for your feelings; there's something very unattractive about a person who constantly wants reassured.

Perhaps switch this around and instead of concentrating on him, think about you and what you need from him - and tell him.

VivDeering Fri 17-Feb-17 17:22:20

Remember that these boards are trawled by The Sun and The Mail for copy. Anything you write here can, and sometimes unfortunately does, appear in certain papers and their websites.

OP it sounds to me as though you need to make time for you and your relationship during the week. Can you use a midweek evening to reconnect with your partner?

Creativeandpetite2016 Fri 17-Feb-17 18:53:25

Thank you everyone, thanks for the heads up Viv....gosh thats now scary!

Im trying to think here what he could do or what we could change to make the situation more exciting, less stressful and more sexy shall we say, but I am never really feeling that with him, in fact I find him just a tad cheesy at times and too accommodating or just too much, like I need him to be secure without me, I have told him to try new thing news so he does, but he never does things off his own back unless I suggest change to him. I feel I am always the one suggesting things, to make him see outside the box more in our relationship but then if I don't he will just sit and watch tv, or play games on his playstation and thats it really.

He doesnt go out with friends, whereas now I am missing life with friends, people and others. I want to go to the gym more, see life and experience new things possibly without him but you see the more he is not exciting outside of me, the more I see him as boring, I may have to spell this out to him in a nice way of course.....oh dear, I feel terrible!!

rollonthesummer Fri 17-Feb-17 18:58:37

-*He has a very high sex drive and well he had issues with his ex before with regards to her not really being that into him or having a sex drive at all.*

Was his ex horrid or was he?! I would love to hear her side of their relationship!

What were the 'issues' when you first got together?

Creativeandpetite2016 Fri 17-Feb-17 19:16:02

hi rollonthesummer (I wish it was too lol)

well she was, a tad demanding shall we say, money wise and wants materialistic things all the time, which he would accommodate and get her, if he went away on holiday without her she would expect him to buy her something in return. Her other ex partner use to say the same how demanding she was re money.

When it came to sex, he said it was great for the first few years, then she was on anti depressants and then it went away and she was just awful to him, critical and he felt he was having a nervous breakdown from her. I think she mentioned to him to slow it down as well at the start, but he admitted he's never had issues with his first partner of many years sexually it was just the last one before me.... I am not sure if he was horrid to her however, its always hard to know, I just got how she was to him.

The issues were he was demanding sexually and would last for ages for fear of not pleasing me, so he was always worried, anxious and scared of what I would feel or would think so he could never relax. It took about 8 months for things to get better so I alway use to dread it at times and think it took too long as well as feeling after once it would take longer again which was true, so its still set in my mind that once is enough and it doesnt just flow anymore...ive never encountered this before but he was definitely affected by the ex...she was older than him and a real bully. She had 3 children from her previous and he looked after them as well for her whilst she went out drinking and was, we think to this day unfaithful....

So as you can see its not been great but he choose to stay with her for 12 years, thats one long time for the kids sake too...as they were young when he first met her and she was pregnant at the time to, so a lot to take on board.

FinallyHere Fri 17-Feb-17 19:50:04

I'm really not seeing what you see in him. As PP said, its all about him, his drive, his need for reassurance. What about you?

Creativeandpetite2016 Fri 17-Feb-17 19:53:04

well this is the thing, I feel kind of selfish when I embark on new things. At the moment I am going out with friends more which leaves him indoors but then he chooses that not me. I love my gym, he has one nearby he can go to as well, its hard as he is so introvert and reserved its like I find it hard to resonate with him or feel connected because there are other things I want to do....im just trying to find out what they are....one being America and thinking do I want to move out there to live , thats a big move I know!! lol Im definitely going through a change and just trying to find what this change is....

triffle81 Fri 17-Feb-17 21:01:31

I agree with Op, you need to make some effort during the week. You do not have to have sex but you could have some fun, just to show you are interested in him still.
Are you being honest with him and tried to change your sex routine that works for you.
If giving him a cuddle once in a while is all he wants when you are not being intimate with him what would be the harm of doing that?

Just my two pence worth,

triffle81 Fri 17-Feb-17 23:26:19

hi again, i saw your post "In tune with your partner sexually, do we have an issue?" where you say you are happy with the less sex but you were not sure if he was, i suppose its the same guy.
This is a different message from here , very confusing. ???

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now