When my parents die I am not going to miss them, and I don't even think I will feel sad.
There! I've said it out loud for the first time EVER. Thing is I worry about how I will handle things when this comes to pass. I am the eldest of 5 and my parents have never made me feel loved or cared for in all my life. I don't know how to explain what my childhood was like, I'm afraid if I try I will just ramble on and end up boring anyone who reads this and/or not make any sense at all. I'll make a list
- I have no memory of ever being kissed or hugged or told I was loved by my parents.
- I was sexually abused by my grandfather when i was 11 but was afraid to tell my parents because I knew they wouldn't believe me and I would be shouted at and punished.
- When I was growing up I was never given any sex education except to be told by my mum about periods and how when I had them I could get pregnant. I didn't know about vaginal discharges so I thought the stains in my knickers were a sign of some awful disease. I got thrush just before I was pregnant, (I wasn't sleeping around, one boyfriend only, looking back now I think I just wanted someone to feel close to) so of course the discharge changed and I thought I had what we then called VD (now an STI I believe) so for the first time in my life I went to the GP alone and he laughed at me, told me it was thrush but not what thrush was and suggested I talked to my mother. I didn't dare though.
- I got pregnant at 15 and was forced to have an abortion. This was in the 1960's and when I told my mother I was pregnant she took me to the GP to ask for an abortion on the grounds of my age. The doctor never once spoke to me, no one asked what I wanted. I was too stupid to realise that if I just said no, then I couldn't have been made to go through with it. I regret this stupidity every single day of my life. When the abortion was over it was never spoken of again. There was no counselling. Nothing. When I came round from the anesthetic I cried for a long time, but the ward sister shouted at me and said if I was old enough to get pregnant I was old enough to deal with the consequences. I hate her. I don't know her name or anything about her, and she's probably dead by now, but I hate her.
It's only as I have got older and had my own family that I look back and see how far from normal my upbringing was (there is a LOT more than I've put earlier but dont want this post to be so long that people get bored and can't get to the end).
My sisters have always been treated differently and they love our parents. There is quite a big difference in my age to theirs and as I left home as soon as I could, I don't really feel I grew up with them although they all grew up with each other IYSWIM.
I always feel in the wrong, and as if my views/wants/needs are selfish. My siblings don't know how I feel or what happened to me (abuse and abortion) and always talk to me as if I feel the way they do about our parents. I've never had the confidence to tell anyone (other than my DH who is lovely) and to be honest I've always had this feeling that what happened to me was OK because it was only me, and me isn't a good enough person, so I'm not entitled to feel bad about it all. I'm probably explaining that badly but I don't really know how to word it, I can only say how it feels.
I don't think I will ever be able to tell my sisters about the past and if I did they would probably tell me it was years ago and as our parents are old now I should just forgive and forget. But I can't do that.
I don't get on with my siblings particularly well, we are very different in personality and I resent the fact that they had a much different upbringing to the one I had.
My parents are now elderly and I'm scared of what will be expected of me if they need more support while alive and what will be expected of me when they die.
I don't really know why I'm writing this as no one can change any of it, but it's been worrying me so much lately I can't sleep, so am hoping that getting it out of my head might help me.